Beach time

All of our foster children have had older siblings, and all of them have had neglect and the foster care system impact them more deeply than the little ones in our care.  This isn't say that our little ones haven't experienced loss and fear.  Early trauma and separation are real.  But so far, the older ones have always lost more, feared more.  They remember the violence.  They remember the broken promises.  They remember the times their mom or dad couldn't take care of them and someone else had to.  Sometimes they've told me.  And they are scared for their younger siblings.  They worry about them.

All of that melts away when they're just kids playing on a beach.  A brother and two sisters.  Crocodile is normally very hesitant near the water (pretty much the only time he's hesitant about physical activity), but I don't know if it was the presence of his sisters or what, but he just ran right in.  They splashed him, he splashed them, and they shouted and screamed.  These kids are very, very loud.  I'm so glad it's summer.  They pushed and pulled either other around on an inflatable alligator.  They dumped cups of water on each others' heads.  Even though I described their lives as being different above, they're all three so small.

It's joyful.

It's bittersweet.  This shouldn't be a "bonding time."  This should just be their lives.  I remember thinking the same thing when Cricket's sister came for a sleepover and Cricket chatted incessantly as they went to sleep.  This should just be another Saturday night. 

Thankfully, their separation ended, though adoption is still not final and I am nervous until it is, especially since they are half-siblings, so there are relatives that could separate them.

I pray that the separation ends for Crocodile and his sisters.  There are at least two ways that it could, but they are not guaranteed.

I shouldn't picture the future.  I know I shouldn't.  But in my mind it goes like this: Crocodile moves to one of those next steps with his sisters.  We become open for two kids, a sibling set only.  What if there are sets of three, four, five?  Or lots of babies later?  As much as I wish sometimes we could, we know we aren't the family that can take them, so I know this doesn't solve everything.  But maybe, just maybe, it will work out that the right sibling set at the right time would end up in our home.  And we could keep them together and they would never be separated.

Maybe we could just have beach time, in the middle of foster care, and beyond, like a regular Saturday.

My friendships

I struggle with friendship.
I can be a pretty insecure friend.  I can be a careless friend.  I can be a friend who feels hurt and doesn't do anything about it.  I'm jealous of those who have tell-anything, text-anytime friends.
But I do have friends.  I am friends with caring and loving people who make me laugh.  They're imperfect like me.
Some of my friendships have been growing apart a little anyway.  Our kids go to different schools now.  They play with different neighbor kids.  We've changed churches, so our church friends have changed, and that takes time.
But there is also a foster care factor.
Sometimes it's hard when friends don't bond with your foster kids.  They don't ask about them.  They don't ask after they leave.  If you don't get together very regularly, their kids don't see them as a part of your family either.  They don't get used to them, and other kids always leap to talk about their misbehavior, even tiny things, because they're the outsider.  I know, they're just little kids.  But it's hard.
Sometimes it's hard when they've agreed to be cleared to take care of your kids, but you don't know how many times you ask if it becomes a burden.  And what about when they are pregnant or have newborns and you should be helping them, but you're still burdened yourself.  It's hard to ask.
Sometimes it's hard when your parenting decisions are made up for you.  Yes, I'd like to nod along and let my kids run free-range.  But I can't risk losing them.  Yes, I'd like to be laidback about my messy house.  I really hate saying no to something because I have to clean.  But I can't trust that my caseworker isn't picky about vacuuming.
Sometimes it's hard when fostering just has you overscheduled.  First, I increased my work hours so I'm not nearly-stay-at-home like I used to be.  I work three full days per week, partly because the stress of foster care and intensity of fostering toddlers led me to seek more work time.  It sounds a bit cold, but it is absolutely the right decision for us for me to work more.  Add in visits.  Add in sibling visits.  Right now we're working hard for Crocodile to have more time with his sisters, and you know when that happens?  During the times that we would have invited friends over to our house.  Once again, absolutely the right decision, but it does have a cost.  I recently talked to Cricket's granny, and she is at Cricket's brother's foster family's house every other weekend.  I have to imagine that's a big change in her schedule, too.  And I haven't even had foster kids who have a full schedule of appointments.
Sometimes it's easier.  With a few people who will never be extremely close but are wonderful listeners and make time for our friendship.  I try to honor that time and commit to it, and it's good.  And sometimes it's much easier because they are also foster parents or parents who adopted from foster care.  We can just say, "Oh man, how were YOUR holidays?" and they know.  We can say it's all making us mad, or sad, or confused, and they know.  We can call and rant.  I only have a few, but I am so grateful for them.
We can't do this alone.  But building that community doesn't come easily, and it doesn't come automatically from my existing friendships.
How has fostering affected your friendships?

Mom of Boys

Sometimes I get tagged in posts about what only "moms of boys" know.  Yes, my house is loud, dirty, and insane.  Yes, I am occasionally asked what happened to my penis.  Yes, I am routinely saying things like "wrestle somewhere other than on the stairs."  Yes, one of my kids put his hand through a window (out of sheer energy, not anger).  So I'm a mom of boys, right, high-five?

But it doesn't seem quite right.  I know in my heart that I had two girls.  And I'm not sure what that makes me.

First, I never get the "mom of three boys!!!" pieces of writing when one of the boys is an infant.  They are 99% the same, folks.  I had three boys with Caterpillar and with Beetle, but, um, they just acted like babies.  Yet I admit there was some special wonder when Pterodactyl arrived, that we had a girl after only having boys.  I knew at that moment, that I would check the box of being a mom of a girl, even if just for months.  I could enjoy the clothes and the headbands.  I could say words like daughter that hadn't been on my lips as much before.  Little things, but I did enjoy them.  But in practice, a house of boys that includes a newborn boy is the same as a house with two boys and a newborn girl.

And Cricket was my girl.  For all of the time I spent on her hair and worrying about her hair, I know she was my girl!  I know boys can need serious haircare as well, but the expectations for girls are especially strong and complicated.  Hair and clothes aside, a lot of her time in our home sounds a lot like those "mom of boys" stories.  People will say, "Oh, three boys, your house must be so loud!"  Yes, it is, but it was about as loud a year or so ago with a girl.  And she was destructive, loved tearing things up.  Some of it came out of trauma, but I'm pretty sure some of it was part of her personality.  Kid just loved it.  She was our first real source of "bathroom words" in the home.  She has a bit of a gruff voice, so no high-pitched little fairy voice here.  And yes, she loved taking care of her baby dolls, loved Dora and Elsa and Hello Kitty.  But a lot of those were favorites before she came to us.  I have no idea what gender messages she received during those times.

So, is my life as a Mom of Boys so different than being a Mom of Two Boys and a Girl?  I'm not so sure, and I don't think I'm redefined each time the gender mix changes in our home.  I'm a mom trying to meet the challenges of parenting different kids, and some of their differences come from gender, but most of them don't.  I am a mom of Dinosaur, Rhinoceros, Pterodactyl, Beetle, Caterpillar, Cricket, and Crocodile.

The prayer request

After church, a teacher in the children's ministry told B about a prayer request.  Dinosaur had asked for prayer because he felt sad that Crocodile would leave our home and he would miss him.

There are no immediate plans for Crocodile to move, but there are several possible outcomes that lead that direction, some sooner than later.  And I think even if he thought he might stay, we would still plant the idea of a probable goodbye.  It's hard to know how to handle the possibility of adoption with kids, and I know if we had a case that really was going toward adoption, it would be hard to know what to say.  We have close friends who will be finalizing an adoption soon.  I want to celebrate with my kids that know that family, and yet I know it could be painful for them to know that for this foster family, they didn't have to say goodbye that time.  So why do they have to say goodbye to the foster siblings that they love?

We talked about his sad feelings.  "I just love playing with him so much!"  We brainstormed what can help (taking lots of pictures and videos, especially some of them playing together).  We had just watched Inside Out, and talked about how we can feel sad about happy things because we miss someone or worry about losing them.  We talked about how in the movie when Sadness came out, it could lead to help, comfort, and sometimes good things  And we were always hear to talk when he felt sad.

It still felt incomplete.  They fall hard for kids, and Dinosaur has fallen especially hard for Crocodile.  He talks about his cuteness pretty much every day.  God help their tender hearts, help them to mend and go on to be listening ears for others that experience loss.

Awkward Moments in Foster Care: Come on in!

We were expecting an unannounced caseworker visit this month.  The doorbell rang, and I opened the door to someone who introduced herself to me.  So, I introduce myself back and welcomed her in, thinking that our caseworker must not be able to make it for some reason, and this is a supervisor I've never met.

"Um, actually, I'll just pick up the t-shirts.  Are these the t-shirts?"

I suddenly remember that someone I hadn't met before was picking up t-shirts from me, totally not foster-related.  I tried to explain my confusion, but as she said goodbye I could tell she didn't quite get it.  "Nice meeting you!  Good luck on your interview!"

B pulled in and his first words were, "I think a caseworker is at the door."

Foster care: at least 50% of the people at our door are caseworkers.

A Day in Pictures - May 2016

I've finally admitted that I will nearly never get a "first day" post up soon after the first day of the month.  I have been pretty successful at remembering to take pictures on the first day of the month, though, so I'll keep doing that and posting them when I get to it sometime that month.  This was a Sunday, with church, crafty creations, some cool spring weather, and trying to figure out dates to suggest for an "unscheduled" caseworker visit.  It ended up happening on May 12, not even two weeks into the month.  Foster parents, is that not a first?  I'm pretty sure it was for us.  I'm always on edge before them, so I'm feeling pretty grateful.

My stisters

Imagine Crocodile's sisters' names are something like Sonya and Sierra.  When Crocodile came to us, they had one name no matter which sister he was talking about.  Imagine something like Sina.  So, Sina was pointed out to us in pictures, and he would talk about what Sina did and we were never sure which sister he meant.

A few months ago, their names became distinct, though still not quite the right pronunciation, so something like Sira and Sina.

Recently, he uses their names, but he is also especially proud and pleased that they are his "stisters."  He likes to talk about this after he's seen them, and he just nods his head with a little more energy and satisfaction when he says it.

His "stisters" have not had an easy life, and Crocodile has been spared some of their ups and downs.  They recently moved homes, and Sonya asked a lot about Crocodile.  In transitions and unsure times, they cling to the most constant things they can: siblings.  I think of Cricket.  I talked to someone close to her after she moved to be with her sister, and she said she was like a different child.  All this hidden joy came out of her, having the security of knowing her sister was with her.

There is hope that if reunification does not happen that Crocodile and his sisters will be together.  We are not the family that can make that happen, but there is a possibility.  All of that is far ahead, and in the meantime we're going to try to make sure he can have more sibling time than the minimum we've been doing.  Where we live, that's once per month (plus they see each other at parenting time with mom).  Why not have more time in the first place?  It's hard to plan and schedule with busy foster families, honestly.  But the new family is eager to plan it and I think we'll make it happen.

The longer the case goes, the easier it is to forget sometimes that Dinosaur and Rhinoceros are not his only siblings.  I have to be pretty intentional to be a part of keeping that bond going.

I don't know our future as foster parents, but I hope at some point we're able to foster siblings and prevent separation in the first place.  I wish we could have been ready to do that from the start, but if we had waited until we were ready, we wouldn't have been there for the five kids we've had.  They would have just been in different homes, still separated from siblings.