Monday, October 7, 2013

Wistful but blessed

No news on when Pterodactyl is leaving yet, and I just have a wistfulness going on.  This is what we wanted, to care for kids as long as they need our home.  I knew my heart would be broken, and it isn't nearly as dramatic as it could have been.  Our first placement could have stayed for years and then moved on.  That actually happens.

But I'm just thinking about the things that will remind me of her when she's suddenly not here.  The Voice: I watched an entire season while sitting up with her in the middle of the night.  When I'm Gone by Anna Kendrick: the song she loves that her birth mom was playing at a visit as I came to pick her up, so relieved not to hear crying for once.  All the baby girl clothes: I almost became more of a shopping mom with my first chance to dress a baby girl.

I'll add a few blessings.  We are blessed to see her calm down from her fussiness and a glimpse of the person she will be.  That brings some of the wistfulness, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade those smiles and bright eyes for anything.  She is healthy and growing up well.  We are blessed to know this transition is coming, somewhat.  We are blessed to know that her grandma wants her very much.  We are blessed that she is making this transition now, not after years without really bonding with her grandma or brothers.  We are blessed to have foster parent friends that understand our bittersweet feelings.

My heart is torn, but we are blessed.  And we have God as our help, and God as Pterodactyl's help.  At church on Sunday, in a time of speaking out scripture, I heard someone quote Psalm 121:8.  I love this psalm, but had never focused on that particular verse.  There's a lot of coming and going in foster care.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm
    he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.


  1. I just came across your blog. You already follow mine :) I've read all your posts. Your writing is beautiful. Pterodactyl may never actually remember you but you will forever be a part of her. I smiled as I read your posts because you voiced so many of my same feelings. Foster Care does suck. But, there are so many children out there who need us, that we are wiling to put our heart out on the line over and over again. Your boys are still young but as you travel this journey you will watch in amazement at all God does through them while on this journey. Praying for you and sweet baby girl. I look forward to following you on this crazy ride called Foster Care!

  2. Thank you so much for commenting! Yes, I read your entire archives when we were taking classes and getting ready, and I know you know from experience how it can suck. But also your posts about your biological daughters and their hearts for others have been very encouraging to me.