After church, a teacher in the children's ministry told B about a prayer request. Dinosaur had asked for prayer because he felt sad that Crocodile would leave our home and he would miss him.
There are no immediate plans for Crocodile to move, but there are several possible outcomes that lead that direction, some sooner than later. And I think even if he thought he might stay, we would still plant the idea of a probable goodbye. It's hard to know how to handle the possibility of adoption with kids, and I know if we had a case that really was going toward adoption, it would be hard to know what to say. We have close friends who will be finalizing an adoption soon. I want to celebrate with my kids that know that family, and yet I know it could be painful for them to know that for this foster family, they didn't have to say goodbye that time. So why do they have to say goodbye to the foster siblings that they love?
We talked about his sad feelings. "I just love playing with him so much!" We brainstormed what can help (taking lots of pictures and videos, especially some of them playing together). We had just watched Inside Out, and talked about how we can feel sad about happy things because we miss someone or worry about losing them. We talked about how in the movie when Sadness came out, it could lead to help, comfort, and sometimes good things And we were always hear to talk when he felt sad.
It still felt incomplete. They fall hard for kids, and Dinosaur has fallen especially hard for Crocodile. He talks about his cuteness pretty much every day. God help their tender hearts, help them to mend and go on to be listening ears for others that experience loss.
Friday, May 20, 2016
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Awkward Moments in Foster Care: Come on in!
We were expecting an unannounced caseworker visit this month. The doorbell rang, and I opened the door to someone who introduced herself to me. So, I introduce myself back and welcomed her in, thinking that our caseworker must not be able to make it for some reason, and this is a supervisor I've never met.
"Um, actually, I'll just pick up the t-shirts. Are these the t-shirts?"
I suddenly remember that someone I hadn't met before was picking up t-shirts from me, totally not foster-related. I tried to explain my confusion, but as she said goodbye I could tell she didn't quite get it. "Nice meeting you! Good luck on your interview!"
B pulled in and his first words were, "I think a caseworker is at the door."
Foster care: at least 50% of the people at our door are caseworkers.
"Um, actually, I'll just pick up the t-shirts. Are these the t-shirts?"
I suddenly remember that someone I hadn't met before was picking up t-shirts from me, totally not foster-related. I tried to explain my confusion, but as she said goodbye I could tell she didn't quite get it. "Nice meeting you! Good luck on your interview!"
B pulled in and his first words were, "I think a caseworker is at the door."
Foster care: at least 50% of the people at our door are caseworkers.
Monday, May 16, 2016
A Day in Pictures - May 2016
I've finally admitted that I will nearly never get a "first day" post up soon after the first day of the month. I have been pretty successful at remembering to take pictures on the first day of the month, though, so I'll keep doing that and posting them when I get to it sometime that month. This was a Sunday, with church, crafty creations, some cool spring weather, and trying to figure out dates to suggest for an "unscheduled" caseworker visit. It ended up happening on May 12, not even two weeks into the month. Foster parents, is that not a first? I'm pretty sure it was for us. I'm always on edge before them, so I'm feeling pretty grateful.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
My stisters
Imagine Crocodile's sisters' names are something like Sonya and Sierra. When Crocodile came to us, they had one name no matter which sister he was talking about. Imagine something like Sina. So, Sina was pointed out to us in pictures, and he would talk about what Sina did and we were never sure which sister he meant.
A few months ago, their names became distinct, though still not quite the right pronunciation, so something like Sira and Sina.
Recently, he uses their names, but he is also especially proud and pleased that they are his "stisters." He likes to talk about this after he's seen them, and he just nods his head with a little more energy and satisfaction when he says it.
His "stisters" have not had an easy life, and Crocodile has been spared some of their ups and downs. They recently moved homes, and Sonya asked a lot about Crocodile. In transitions and unsure times, they cling to the most constant things they can: siblings. I think of Cricket. I talked to someone close to her after she moved to be with her sister, and she said she was like a different child. All this hidden joy came out of her, having the security of knowing her sister was with her.
There is hope that if reunification does not happen that Crocodile and his sisters will be together. We are not the family that can make that happen, but there is a possibility. All of that is far ahead, and in the meantime we're going to try to make sure he can have more sibling time than the minimum we've been doing. Where we live, that's once per month (plus they see each other at parenting time with mom). Why not have more time in the first place? It's hard to plan and schedule with busy foster families, honestly. But the new family is eager to plan it and I think we'll make it happen.
The longer the case goes, the easier it is to forget sometimes that Dinosaur and Rhinoceros are not his only siblings. I have to be pretty intentional to be a part of keeping that bond going.
I don't know our future as foster parents, but I hope at some point we're able to foster siblings and prevent separation in the first place. I wish we could have been ready to do that from the start, but if we had waited until we were ready, we wouldn't have been there for the five kids we've had. They would have just been in different homes, still separated from siblings.
A few months ago, their names became distinct, though still not quite the right pronunciation, so something like Sira and Sina.
Recently, he uses their names, but he is also especially proud and pleased that they are his "stisters." He likes to talk about this after he's seen them, and he just nods his head with a little more energy and satisfaction when he says it.
His "stisters" have not had an easy life, and Crocodile has been spared some of their ups and downs. They recently moved homes, and Sonya asked a lot about Crocodile. In transitions and unsure times, they cling to the most constant things they can: siblings. I think of Cricket. I talked to someone close to her after she moved to be with her sister, and she said she was like a different child. All this hidden joy came out of her, having the security of knowing her sister was with her.
There is hope that if reunification does not happen that Crocodile and his sisters will be together. We are not the family that can make that happen, but there is a possibility. All of that is far ahead, and in the meantime we're going to try to make sure he can have more sibling time than the minimum we've been doing. Where we live, that's once per month (plus they see each other at parenting time with mom). Why not have more time in the first place? It's hard to plan and schedule with busy foster families, honestly. But the new family is eager to plan it and I think we'll make it happen.
The longer the case goes, the easier it is to forget sometimes that Dinosaur and Rhinoceros are not his only siblings. I have to be pretty intentional to be a part of keeping that bond going.
I don't know our future as foster parents, but I hope at some point we're able to foster siblings and prevent separation in the first place. I wish we could have been ready to do that from the start, but if we had waited until we were ready, we wouldn't have been there for the five kids we've had. They would have just been in different homes, still separated from siblings.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
The twins we could have had.
Two years ago, I was praying for Pterodactyl's twin siblings. The siblings we said we would take if we had open bed(s), but we wouldn't stay empty for them, either. As it ended up, we had Caterpillar placed with us and they were placed in another foster home.
I later connected with their foster dad through our agency and got to see pictures of them, and later saw them in person. Precious, beautiful babies, one looking somewhat like Pterodactyl, but really they are their own little people.
Recently I got to see the announcement that this foster family adopted them. A lovely, happy family.
Of course, I wonder, what would our lives have been like? We would have had a family of six. We would have likely been done with fostering in our second placement. The newborn phase would have been intense, but it would have wrapped up a whole lot sooner. Sometimes we as foster parents are faced with the kids that need placement and we feel like we must be that home. Clearly since we're being asked, we must be the ones to say yes. But in the in the big picture, I know this is not true, especially for very young children in foster care.
I know this was not our story to have. Our story has Beetle, Caterpillar, Cricket, Crocodile, and more to come. In our hearts, we just absolutely knew there was another family for these twins, someone who longed for them, someone God prepared for them. It is so good to see their faces in their smiling announcement.
I still feel like a distant relative, however loose my connection might be to them. They aren't my babies, but they have a little place in our history, and in our history of prayers to do God's will.
I later connected with their foster dad through our agency and got to see pictures of them, and later saw them in person. Precious, beautiful babies, one looking somewhat like Pterodactyl, but really they are their own little people.
Recently I got to see the announcement that this foster family adopted them. A lovely, happy family.
Of course, I wonder, what would our lives have been like? We would have had a family of six. We would have likely been done with fostering in our second placement. The newborn phase would have been intense, but it would have wrapped up a whole lot sooner. Sometimes we as foster parents are faced with the kids that need placement and we feel like we must be that home. Clearly since we're being asked, we must be the ones to say yes. But in the in the big picture, I know this is not true, especially for very young children in foster care.
I know this was not our story to have. Our story has Beetle, Caterpillar, Cricket, Crocodile, and more to come. In our hearts, we just absolutely knew there was another family for these twins, someone who longed for them, someone God prepared for them. It is so good to see their faces in their smiling announcement.
I still feel like a distant relative, however loose my connection might be to them. They aren't my babies, but they have a little place in our history, and in our history of prayers to do God's will.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Family photos
Coming up on our third anniversary of fostering, I looked at the photos we have on our wall. They're from that summer of 2013. Dinosaur was five and Rhinoceros was two. We were visiting family while Pterodactyl was in respite, and my sister-in-law did a photo session for us. On the one hand, it worked out well that we just had our forever family together for photos. At that point, we thought she was staying with us for a very short time. I'm really glad to have those photos and that I didn't put them off. And of course, it was nice to have photos that I could share on social media and send out at Christmas.
On the other hand, it's unsettling that we sought an opportunity that Pterodactyl wouldn't be with us, as if we actively excluded her. And it's sort of set a precedent that we haven't included any foster children in formal family photos, so to suddenly include a child would make it seem like we are banking on him or her being a permanent part of our family. Do we have a family photo session every placement? Not going to happen, not with the one-month and two-month placements. I would be sad for the family photos we misses if we suddenly started having photo sessions with foster children, though of course we have amateur family shots with each foster child.
So, now what? I would like some more family photos soon. Though he's our record-breaker of time with us, I would be quite surprised if Crocodile became a permanent part of our family. How would I look back on these pictures of us as a family of five? Can I be confident to include him, no regrets, and know that he was a part of our family for that time? I know some who have taken family photos with just the backs of everyone, or with the foster children's faces hidden in different ways.
Sometimes the "for now" part of fostering is the most unsettling, always being on the edge of change at some point.
On the other hand, it's unsettling that we sought an opportunity that Pterodactyl wouldn't be with us, as if we actively excluded her. And it's sort of set a precedent that we haven't included any foster children in formal family photos, so to suddenly include a child would make it seem like we are banking on him or her being a permanent part of our family. Do we have a family photo session every placement? Not going to happen, not with the one-month and two-month placements. I would be sad for the family photos we misses if we suddenly started having photo sessions with foster children, though of course we have amateur family shots with each foster child.
So, now what? I would like some more family photos soon. Though he's our record-breaker of time with us, I would be quite surprised if Crocodile became a permanent part of our family. How would I look back on these pictures of us as a family of five? Can I be confident to include him, no regrets, and know that he was a part of our family for that time? I know some who have taken family photos with just the backs of everyone, or with the foster children's faces hidden in different ways.
Sometimes the "for now" part of fostering is the most unsettling, always being on the edge of change at some point.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Pre-court anxiety, post-court blues
From reading writing of other foster parents, I'm not the only one that becomes a mess around time for court. And we haven't had any cases that are truly complete messes to warrant me becoming a mess.
An upcoming court date sticks in my brain, especially with longer cases that have 90-day reviews, so court usually happens around the same time of the month and it's easy to remember. I start to picture drastic, sudden directions things could go. I build those into future timelines that I know are not really mine to imagine.
Then after court, everything is numb and gloomy. I'm sad for the children and that they will be stuck in foster care longer. I'm sad for parents who don't do what they need to do. I'm sad for the history of the parents that influences their actions and that they can't free themselves from their demons. Sometimes I'm worried things aren't being done the right way. Sometimes I hope for great news, and it doesn't come, and I'm disappointed. Overall the formality of it just sears into my heart the tragedy of it all, that this is about parents and children being ripped apart.
How to deal?
I update my friends and family. Though this time, I decided to back off on an e-mail update to a usual group of extended family and friends that is mostly meant to keep them in the loop of who is coming and who is going and to ask for prayer. This is the furthest we've gotten into a case and I'm more cautious about sharing details, even vague ones, than ever because I worry that I'm just providing entertainment in the story when much more is at stake, or that I'm making it look like we hope for the case to end in adoption by us. I really don't want them to hope for that for us for many reasons. But anyway, updating someone is cathartic. This time around, it was just two of my closest friends, one who is a foster parent, and my mom and my sister, who I'd asked right before court to pray.
I'm easy on myself the couple of days after court. I know I'm distracted and let myself slack off a bit. I cook easy food. I should avoid reading about other bad things in the world, but I totally failed on that the last time.
I exercise. I usually do this, but I'm considering doing an intense couple of weeks of exercise before and after court. I could listen to a really engaging book or podcast and just work it all out of me a bit.
What do you do?
An upcoming court date sticks in my brain, especially with longer cases that have 90-day reviews, so court usually happens around the same time of the month and it's easy to remember. I start to picture drastic, sudden directions things could go. I build those into future timelines that I know are not really mine to imagine.
Then after court, everything is numb and gloomy. I'm sad for the children and that they will be stuck in foster care longer. I'm sad for parents who don't do what they need to do. I'm sad for the history of the parents that influences their actions and that they can't free themselves from their demons. Sometimes I'm worried things aren't being done the right way. Sometimes I hope for great news, and it doesn't come, and I'm disappointed. Overall the formality of it just sears into my heart the tragedy of it all, that this is about parents and children being ripped apart.
How to deal?
I update my friends and family. Though this time, I decided to back off on an e-mail update to a usual group of extended family and friends that is mostly meant to keep them in the loop of who is coming and who is going and to ask for prayer. This is the furthest we've gotten into a case and I'm more cautious about sharing details, even vague ones, than ever because I worry that I'm just providing entertainment in the story when much more is at stake, or that I'm making it look like we hope for the case to end in adoption by us. I really don't want them to hope for that for us for many reasons. But anyway, updating someone is cathartic. This time around, it was just two of my closest friends, one who is a foster parent, and my mom and my sister, who I'd asked right before court to pray.
I'm easy on myself the couple of days after court. I know I'm distracted and let myself slack off a bit. I cook easy food. I should avoid reading about other bad things in the world, but I totally failed on that the last time.
I exercise. I usually do this, but I'm considering doing an intense couple of weeks of exercise before and after court. I could listen to a really engaging book or podcast and just work it all out of me a bit.
What do you do?
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