Thursday, October 22, 2015

The bittersweetness of settling in

We had court for Crocodile's case, and it seems very unlikely he would move in the next few months.  So, I'm starting to picture holidays with him, playing in the snow, zooming down on a sled.  I have been bristling at statements of being a "house of boys," first because Cricket was quite the active girl and it's not like we had this calm environment with the presence of a female child, but also because I wasn't really accepting that as our identity, as I don't know how long it will last.  But it's starting to settle in as well that we are a house of three crazy silly boy kiddos.

Also, Rhinoceros is finally realizing that Crocodile will go along with his pretend play.  No, Crocodile is no Cricket, but they've been riding their bikes around the yard in races that have something to do with "the burr place."  Rhinoceros begs Crocodile to go along with his plan and gets so excited when it works out.  My heart melts, and then it cracks.  Because I know how hard it was for him to lose Cricket, and I can hardly bear imagining the potential future loss.

I have a terrible fear of a long case.  Eight months is our record so far, and in all cases, we knew somewhere the child was likely moving to by about three months.  Crocodile has been here for four months, and there is no planned move in sight.  I am terrified of years.  Of years, then intense heartbreak.  At the same time, I want his mom to succeed and overcome, and that may take time.  But for our family, it is already getting difficult, I can feel it.  And I don't have any transition plans to talk about with the kids.  Just that we keep on going on as we are, as the family we are right now.

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