I say to people, when I explain that we're just fostering, that hopefully if he needs to be adopted, there will be a home for him and his sisters. And if not, there are many homes for a young child like him with mild issues.
But part of my heart turns to ice.
Who are these people? They don't know my Crocodile. Do they know how he used to be scared of water but now he's not? Do they know how he cowered in the corner that first night? Do they know how he likes to talk about his mama and about five or six other people and how he is used to the response, "oh yes, she is so special to you." Will they sense when he needs one-on-one attention, or he will lash out? Do they know he just can't stop moving until he falls asleep, that's he's not really trying to be defiant?
It sounds like I think no one can be like us. I know in my mind that is not true. I know we are not great and wonderful. I know there are wonderful parents out there.
It has been hard every time to picture them living a different life, away from us and all the things we know for that child. We write notes, but it's not the same. We know it won't be the same.
And we know it doesn't have to be. But of the many things that make my mothering heart churn with the difficulties of foster care, this is one at the top of the list.
I pray and trust that there is so much more than I can imagine. That God made my heart this way, but that doesn't mean my heart is always right. He made it to love fiercely so that I could do all I do for these kids.
But His love is much more fierce, His plans much greater.
I have to breathe, bury down what feels wrong as a devoted mother. This is what we do. We love and we let go when we need to.