Monday, December 2, 2013

Strange season

Second verse, same as the first.  Pterodactyl is here, bumps in the road, we wait.

She came with us to visit my family out-of-state for a few days.  I don't know if it was intentional or not, but almost no one in my family talked about her leaving.  I actually appreciated that.  I don't think it's good to be in denial, but after everyone I talk to gives me a pitying face or tears up at the mention of her leaving our home after being raised by us from birth, it was refreshing.  We could just enjoy being together.  They helped us out in chasing and holding all our kids.  It was nice.  Plus, she did well on the trip there and back, which is a miracle.

She's slipped into our holiday traditions most of the time.  With a baby, there's no worries about what she expects during the holidays, so that's easy enough.  So, I didn't think she'd really be a part of things.  But she is, as she sits in her high chair eating prunes while we eat a turkey dinner.  And now I wore her in a carrier to pick out a Christmas tree, just like I had for my boys, snuggled close to me on a chilly afternoon.  She noticed the sudden presence of lights in our living room as we decorated the tree.  She looked at our faces intently as we sang a nightly Christmas carol by the tree before bedtime.

And yet, she's not on our Christmas card.  I'm starting to regret not including her name even though I couldn't include her photo.  My thought process was that I really thought she would have moved by now and it would be confusing.  To who, I don't know, since most people I'd send cards to get e-mail updates about how fostering is going.

Then I wonder if I'm doing enough of the Christmas traditions that her family would appreciate, especially as she's still with us so close to the holidays.  We don't do Santa visits, but maybe a first picture with Santa would be important to her mom or her grandma.  Or maybe they don't her to have that until they can be there for it.  I'm thinking I should get her a first Christmas ornament, and if her grandma wants to get her one later, I guess she could have two.

None of these details are that important, but they run through my head.   They're probably just a part of my processing that she'll be gone.  I wish I could replace them with more productive thoughts, like praying for her mom.  She needs it; things are not good right now.  She needs a miracle, the hope of a savior.  Don't we all.

1 comment:

  1. We get two identical ornaments- one goes on our tree and we keep it to put on each year. The other ornament we keep until the baby leaves, and then we send it with them to go on the tree wherever they are. I talk more about it in the panel post that will be on I Must Be Trippin' in a few days!