I've been a bit emotional about Caterpillar leaving. Last night was his first overnight visit at the relative's home. He decided to cut his first tooth at the same time. There was lots of crying, and even though I know it was probably mostly about the tooth, that's so hard to hear about literally the most chill and happy baby I've ever parented.
I know I'm going to miss him. Not seeing him grow up sucks. I love that we're doing what we're doing, but sometimes I hate doing it.
Add to that, I was leaving for work at 5:30 when I realized I had totally forgotten to print something I needed. I turned back around, scrambled to find the file on our computers, failed, headed to work in a ball of resigned stress. I was waiting at a red light when I heard a voice from the lane to my right.
It was Pterodactyl's grandma.
Our conversation was shouted across the noise of the street and in Spanish, so I'll just summarize it that I tried to ask about Pterodactyl, she said she's getting so big. I said something about calling, and she said she'd lost my number. One of Pterodactyl's brothers was peering out the window at me. The light turned green and she drove on.
For months I've been debating calling her. I decided asking to meet up to see Pterodactyl is a perfectly reasonable thing, but I haven't made myself do it. I'm held back by wondering if I can handle my emotions of how much I miss Pterodactyl. I'm held back by my general phone phobia, which is multiplied when in Spanish. I'm held back by second-guessing myself, wondering why I would inconvenience her just because I wanted to see her granddaughter again.
I let myself be held back with some things like this. It really gets to me when it keeps me from encouraging others. I've prayed about it, a weakness I want to surrender to God so He can use me more.
It was like God was in the background behind her at the red light, looking me in the eye and saying "no more excuses now."