Quiet

I haven't been able to bring myself to write because it would all be rantings of an impatient adult.  An impatient adult who has had a pretty good life.  Who should be able to put up with waiting and not knowing.


Gina's license still has not come through.  The caseworker is reluctant to move her back here even though really she should be here since we're the named placement and receiving payments.  Which we've been passing on to Gina.  I'm glad she's reluctant to move her because I do not want more upheaval in Cricket's life, but we know that she can't hold off forever.  At some point (and no one has told me when) she has to be in a fully licensed home).  She's been there for weeks.  It seemed like the move might have been this week.  Then nothing happened.  I don't want to ask too many questions because I don't want her to have to move here either.  I don't want to draw attention, yet I'm going insane because it's not wrapped up.  I just want it to be all wrapped up.


Which I rambled to my friend who is a child psychologist.  She said, "You chose foster care and you want things to be all wrapped up?"


Fair enough.


So maybe I'll muster the energy to distract myself and post about things that are totally unrelated, like organizing foster kid supplies.  Or maybe I'll avoid the blog like I avoid thinking about Cricket as much as I can, because it just invites a cycle of worry, prediction, and stress.

When kids don't understand

I could name dozens of sad parts of foster care, as it is inherently pretty sad.  One that always freezes time and makes me feel like my heart is being clenched is what kids say to me when they don't understand what is happening.


Our trip was a wonderful break, and the boys were too busy to ask much about Cricket or notice her absence.  They played with a little girl from a neighboring campsite and had a blast.  Then suddenly Rhinoceros started talking about his sister.  Not Cricket, but that this little girl was his new sister, and he kept asking, "Where is my sister?"  I know it was just a ball of confusion knowing that Cricket is gone, there's someone missing in our family, and he's trying to fill that hole.


Then I called Cricket's "new granny" (as Cricket had called her once before the move) for an update on Cricket and to talk to her a little bit.  When Gina got the phone back from Cricket, she told me about Cricket's last visit with her mom.  Apparently when Gina said she was going to see her mom, she said, "No, that's Sissy's mom.  She's not my mom.  I have my own mom."  The poor girl is so confused from the move, from my disappearance.  Gina asked me if she had ever said this before, and I said she hadn't.


All I can do is pray, that amidst all the confusion, that somehow Lord they will know that they are loved.  They will know that they are not alone.

Catching up

Despite not having a foster child in our home for the past ten days, we've still had a fostering family life eventful enough for me to do a catch-all update.

We went on a trip to see my grandfather, my mom's dad.  My mom's mom passed away last year.  My boys never met her before she died, and I really wanted them to meet Grandpa before waiting too long.  He's in pretty great health and has sisters in their nineties still mowing their lawns, so I hope he'll be with us quite awhile, but you never know.  He also happens to live (many hours) south of us, so it was a good Spring Break trip to somewhere more springlike while our trees still have no signs of leaves.

It was a renewing, wonderful trip.  Seeing spring's green everywhere was so energizing when I've been so weary.  I was worried about the long drives with the kids, but even in their annoying or tiring times, I didn't regret the trip a bit.  We made fun stops on the way down and back, we camped near where my Grandpa lives and enjoyed the campground, we zoomed around his yard in a golf cart, climbed trees, and fed farm animals.  A very good outdoor, slowing down, time with family kind of vacation.  B and I admitted to each other that Cricket's placement was hard on us, no two ways around it.  We had fun moments, and we had peaceful moments.  We talked over future fostering, considering a family meeting that we'd present different age options to Dinosaur and get his thoughts.  We're leaning toward just infants for a little while.

Unfortunately, two foster care things ate away at that peace.  Gina's license still has not cleared at the state level. It should have two weeks ago.  I feared this meant she would come back to us and we had phrased her move not as respite but in very permanent terms: she will live there, she won't live here, she will live with her sister.  As much as I miss her, coming back here should be a very last resort, definitely not for some bureaucratic hangup.  We still don't know what's happening besides the caseworker saying they're trying to push it along.  Sigh.

The other one was a placement call.  Yes, though they knew we were on vacation, though Cricket hasn't officially moved.  I know they called because they had very few options; there is a sibling in a placement with our agency, so then they try first to keep siblings within the same agency.  A toddler with a sad story, one of our saddest so far.  We said to each other, of course not, but my heart ached.  Could we take him Saturday night when we got back?  I didn't reply right away.  We talked more.  We asked Dinosaur what he thought about fostering a new kid so soon, a toddler that might not be easy to live with.  He was excited, undeterred.  But finally we settled on our answer: Cricket's situation needed figured out first, then we would talk about it.  By the time we replied, they found a placement in another agency.

So, there goes that "infants for now" idea.  I am not against limits.  But I think here we were grasping for control, for planning.  While this little toddler was not for our home, we are going to be open for one if we're needed.

If Cricket's situation ever gets figured out.  Gah.

And so, at the end of a mess of foster care, I leave you with peaceful pictures of a lake and throwing old bread to cows.

First Day April 2015 - The day before Cricket's move

Since we're leaving tomorrow morning, I wanted to get this post up even though I usually wait for the link-up through Journey to Josie.  This week is insane with packing for camping, packing for Cricket, and some ill-timed homebrewing thrown in (I still love you, B).  At least we got outside a bit as it was a gorgeous day.  Also, see if you can spot when Cricket got ahold of the camera.

 

 

 

I Met Mommy Day

Things keep bringing me back to the beginning of Cricket's placement with us.  I'm packing for a camping trip for B, Dinosaur, and Rhinoceros, very much like the one we took just days before Cricket arrived.  The weather is getting warmer again and I'm pulling out those same clothes we wore in September to see if they fit.


When I met Cricket, one of her few belongings was a toothbrush that played music.  We had a bit of lag time as paperwork was settled where I picked her up, and in the meantime, she was buzzing with overtired energy.  Making phone calls on an unplugged phone.  Drawing in a notebook and calling out any numbers she knew.  And she needed to brush her teeth and show me how she did it!  How could I say no, even though it was 3 pm?  And of course, in our early weeks of possessiveness over what Cricket claimed as hers (really everything she laid her eyes on, but especially anything from her mom or that first arrived with her), the toothbrush caused many a fight.


While I haven't thrown out that toothbrush, we did replace it with a newer one as one toothbrush shouldn't last seven months.  But I couldn't find the new one tonight and dug out the old musical toothbrush.  "It's my toothbrush from the day that I met you!"  I think she was repeating back something I'd said to her about the toothbrush, but still, wow, those moments slay me from such a little girl.


Of course, when she set down her toothbrush, Rhinoceros swooped in to take a look, which is generally a bad idea.


"THAT'S MY TOOTHBRUSH FROM I MET MOMMY DAY!  DON'T TOUCH IT!!"


I pack up the clothes I received when she arrived, the ones mostly too small or too big.  I pile the toys in a laundry basket, carefully separating her play-doh accessories, her duplo blocks, etc. from the other kids'.  I organize the paperwork that has to go back to the caseworker. 


And I pack up her musical toothbrush from I Met Mommy Day.

Packing up

It was a tense week.  Cricket's recovery from surgery was not a fun experience for anyone, though it didn't have any complications or anything.  On top of that, the delay in sister's grandma's licensing went from a bit worrisome to a big concern.  What would we do if the license came through while we were gone?  How awful would it be for Cricket's trust in us if we said she was going for a visit then stayed there, even if it's a place she wants to be so she can be with her sister?  I felt like I was concerned, B was concerned, her therapist was concerned, but her caseworker and GAL were not as responsive.


It took a bit more prodding, but I did get a firm date of when her license was sent to the state and that it really should come through this week, maybe the first week of April at the latest.  So, with the caseworker we decided that when she went to sister's grandma's house Thursday, it would be a move, not respite.  There is still a part of me that does not like telling her she's moving when the license isn't 100% there, but it is probably the best decision we can make here.


So, after this transition coming up but being on hold for so long, I suddenly have less than a week to get everything ready.  I just finished her photo book besides two pictures I want to take and add tomorrow, but I've barely started packing.  She has so many toys and books and little things scattered around the house, all needing organized before going to someone else.  On top of that, we have packing for a weeklong spring break camping trip, which we have not started.  Yikes.  At least I think it'll keep me too busy to dwell too much on the goodbye.


Okay, who am I kidding, I'm still going to dwell as I'm packing.  Note to self: pray instead of dwelling.

Hospitals and foster parenting

Cricket had a minor surgery last week.  She's my first kid that I've experienced surgery with.  Heck, I've never even had surgery myself!  Having wisdom teeth out doesn't count, right?  My only overnight hospital stay was after Dinosaur was born.

Her mom had talked for months about being there for the surgery.  She signed the papers, had the info, but wasn't there.

There was something intimate about being there with her for the surgery.  Meeting the tons of people coming through her room.  Saying goodbye before I went to wait in the family waiting room.  Meeting her again in recovery, watching her sleepy eyes open to me, close again, then open a couple hours later.  B stayed with her overnight, then I came back to bring her home the next morning.  I made up a chart for her medications.  I have tended to her slow (but normal) recovery.

Sometimes fulfilling the parental role seems natural, like I'm just doing my parenting thing and she happens to be a foster kid.  Sometimes for me it has this other factor, like it brings us together in a unique relationship different from any I've had with another child, through a new and different experience.  This other factor sends my heart running full-force to love and nurture and comfort and feel needed by doing so.  At the same time, I feel an alarm going off.  This isn't supposed to be me here.  It's supposed to be her mom.  It almost feels like I'm stealing my nurturing role, even though I'm not.

It's how I felt leaving the hospital with Pterodactyl in my arms.

It's how I felt rocking Beetle in his room in the NICU.

Maybe it's hospitals, those places that the closest to you are supposed to be by your side in your vulnerable state.  They're a place I see at once how much I'm needed as a foster parent, and at the same time how much I wish I didn't have to be, that their families by birth could be providing this comfort, presence, and care.