I've always, without being clinically depressed, had low days. Every so often, I feel like I'm made of hardening cement. I'm forcing myself through the motions. Choosing every easy and convenient option because I'm emotionally exhausted. Talking to my kids but I'm pretty sure I sound like a robot.
When I explained that I'd been having a low day to Cricket's infant mental health therapist, she had already picked up on it, that I didn't seem like myself. It was so strange to me, because besides my mom and sometimes B, I don't think anyone has ever really noticed I'm having a low day without me saying it.
I talked through what may have made it a low day. Of course, the weather was gloomy. Cricket is still not fully adjusted back to life at our house after spending part of last week at her sister's grandma's house. Overall I've just been noticing how some of the parenting things I used to do have been left behind because so much of my energy is focused on what Cricket needs and self-care for me so I can keep providing it, not much room for much else. Yesterday was full of sudden visit changes that were stressful to figure out. But probably the big one is that the move to Gina's is stalled because of waiting on paperwork that Gina needs to submit.
It brings back a lot of emotions from waiting on Pterodactyl's grandma, waiting on Caterpillar's mom's cousin. It brings back emotions that Caterpillar's mom's cousin backed out of the placement too late for us to have him in our home. I know I'm not a particularly organized person and have slipped up on deadlines before, or procrastinated when there's no firm deadline. Plus, relatives often do not see these changes in their lives coming, and I'm sure it's overwhelming. I should be empathetic. I'm praying for a softer heart. But really, I want to growl and grumble because this should have been wrapped up by now! The back and forth of the transition for Cricket is so hard on her and on us, and drawing it out is tough. Extra-tough is that we have planned a trip over spring break in April, and it is not a trip planned around what Cricket needs. Gina has been cleared for respite for that time, but to go there and come back here would be the difficulty of the transition we've experienced so far multiplied by ten. So, I'm frustrated that this may happen when we were hoping to avoid it.
Then there's just the drawn-out aspect, the unavoidable wait of foster care. As has been our experience, for most of the placement, we wait on her very likely moving somewhere else without knowing when. Somehow that combination of "very likely" and "without knowing when" drives me a little insane over time. In my mind, I write and rewrite the e-mail to close family when she has moved. I consider the words I'll say to Dinosaur and Rhinoceros, I plan in my mind how I'll try to keep in touch. Do that enough times, and you start going a little crazy.
There are so much bigger things that could be draining me emotionally, but this is where I'm at, and I'm putting it out there for anyone who may go through the same thing. The special sort of low days you find in foster care are pretty sucky. Keep on keeping on, and I promise I will, too.