I said in this post that I sometimes avoided looking at pictures of our former placements because I didn't want to feel how I miss them. That's part of it. If I'm completely honest, I avoid it also because it's tempting to look back on those placements as rosy and wonderful compared to the battleground I'm living in now. Don't get me wrong, God has us in this place for a reason and a good part of me is very glad we have Cricket. This is the kind of hard work we wanted to do. I love her deeply, and she needs our love. She needs us to stick with her. But a small part of me just wishes for the babies that looked up at me sweetly. Caterpillar is especially hard to think about because he was such a happy, easygoing guy with us. It was a pretty rosy life, and even B admitted it was hard to let that go.
That made listening to a recent voicemail extremely difficult.
The relative he moved to is having him moved, so they called us.
We have to say no.
1. We already said no to Cricket's siblings. If we had another child here, we should have one of her siblings, like her baby brother that's about Caterpillar's age. I can't justify keeping her apart from her siblings just to have Caterpillar because he's Caterpillar.
2. The reason we turned down Cricket's siblings still stands: Cricket needs a ton of attention. She and the boys are just now starting to have more frequent positive times together. Giving her less attention now would be a disaster.
3. Caterpillar is now linked to his sister who came into care later than he did (long story). They want a home for both, and she would not be a good fit for our family age-wise.
4. We don't have a room for him. He would need to be in our room and that has not been good for us as parents in the past.
I don't think the hardest part is saying no. I think the hardest part is feeling like all of this should have been avoided. He should have just stayed with us. The relative didn't have to take him. He will be moving to his fourth home before he turns a year old. Will it even be the last? I'm so scared of what that will do to this sweet, happy baby that I knew. My first reaction to the voicemail was a physical pain, just hurting for him.
My only choice is to trust that God hurts when we hurt for these children, and he knows better than I do. I had to go to work soon after this news and in the car every radio station was wrong for the particular pain I was feeling. B had a practice CD for gospel choir in the CD player, and two songs preached to me: one about God as a healer, and one about God being able. Thank You God that these are true.