Friday, November 14, 2014

Fears of feeling

Sometimes I don't want to make contact with the families that Pterodactyl, Beetle, and Caterpillar are with now, because I don't want to fully feel how much I miss them.  I think about them often, and it feels strange, like I've locked them away somewhere and I'm not fully letting myself remember them and love them.  Even when I try and look at their pictures, it's a swirl of mixed emotions as I almost want to look away, to stop as soon as I can.  I feel the pain of missing them, but it's the tip of the iceberg.

Sometimes I just feel helpless as Cricket asks again and again for her mom, her sissy.  She used to talk about her granny, but does less now.  Asking for them less just shows the loss in another sad way.  These moments happen coming home from the grocery store, getting ready for naps.  She tells me she wants them to come with us in the minivan at the end of the visit.  I address the moments lovingly with Cricket, but my own heart stings.  I bury these away, too, and it's just the tip of the iceberg again.

B says he wouldn't change how deeply I feel things because I makes me who I am.  But I'm afraid of how I feel things.  I'm afraid it will lead me to give up.  I'm afraid it will turn me into someone I don't recognize because I haven't fully dealt with it all.

I just pray, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Help me, Jesus.  Please don't waste this pain.  And don't let me waste away in it.

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