Acronym of the Day: TPR

TPR stands for termination of parental rights.  Online I see it used as a verb (TPR-ed) or a noun (TPR happened last month).  It means that the parents lose their parental rights to their foster children.  They can no longer have a say in how they will be raised, medical decisions and information, etc.  They have no plan to accomplish to regain custody of their children.  They are parents in history and they may possibly have parental roles in open adoption scenarios, but they are no longer legally parents.

As I said in a previous post, Crocodile's parents' rights were terminated.  He is the first foster child that we've been through that experience with.  Some of our previous cases also reached that point, but not when the children were with us, so we didn't experience it firsthand.

There is such deep sadness within TPR, and even people who believe it is the right outcome for the children feel awful during the court events that end in TPR.  The case must be made strongly, so everything possible is used against parents.  It surprised me how wrong that felt, that while I may have supported the outcome, and I wanted to object and say that some of this really wasn't that bad, and really, are we all such perfect parents?  Do they have to bring up this, and that, and that?  Can't we just boil it down to the most substantial reasons for this terrible thing, this permanent separation between parents and their children?

I expected the sadness, but I did not expect some dramatic events that happened on the day of TPR.  I won't go into detail, but the desperation was palpable. the grief so thick in the air, churning into anger.

I dream of better solutions.  Could victims of some types live in intentional communities that support them as parents, that help them heal?  Could we as a society prevent these terrible days that begin lifetimes of loss?

So many people in the room clearly wanted this day over with.  Some would walk away having spent another sad day in their professions.  We would walk away knowing we would continue to care for our foster child who would no longer visit parents, at least not for a long time, and would eventually need to process this loss.  His parents would walk away knowing a door had closed.  But I didn't see his mother walk away.  I only saw her weeping in her seat, a family member comforting her, as we quietly filed out.

Come, Lord Jesus.

Acronym of the Day: FTM

I really enjoy hearing the differences among fostering experiences, so I'm going to keep going with acronyms that I know may not be universal, but the ideas at the root of them may be, which makes it a good way to get us talking about foster care.  And I hope the discussions give those who are not fostering something to think about.

Today I bring you FTM: family team meeting.

I chose this one in part because B always gets it wrong.  He always says "full team meeting," which is the same idea.  Basically, it's a meeting that is intended to bring together all parties involved in a case.  At the very least, it would include the child's parents, foster parents, and caseworker, but can include many more people.  In my experience, I have also seen relatives, parenting mentors, significant other of a parent, caseworker supervisors, and adoption caseworkers.  I have also heard of therapists, GALs and CASAs attending.  We have only fostered young children who are not a part of the meeting, but older children may be.  Plus, foster parents can include many people, as often siblings of one case are in separate homes and each have their own foster parent(s).  Sometimes foster parents are not included or caseworkers just don't think to include them.  It's good to ask your agency what the standard should be and then advocate that you would be involved in them unless there's a specific reason you shouldn't be.

What are family team meetings for?  Looking at the documents from my state, the words "collaborative" and "strengths-based" kept coming out, and that has been my experience.  It's a chance for everyone to hear the same things from in the same room.  Transitions can be decided and concerns voiced for everyone to hear.  For strengths-based, in my experience the meeting always involves talking about the strengths of the child or children and the strengths within relationships.

When do family team meetings happen?  Each location will have its own guidelines and agencies may have different guidelines.  I'm honestly still not sure of ours, but I know they usually revolve around placement changes and changes in goals for the case.  For example, if a child is moving from a foster home to a relative home or a different foster home, family team meetings are common to discuss and plan the transition.  For a goal changing from reunification to adoption, there should be a family team meeting.  But there can also be a requested family team meeting for other reasons, including by the parents of the child.  I have also experienced transitions that had no family team meeting, and I know now that I'd want to request them every time in the future.

In the best meetings I've been a part of, I have seen a different side of parents and understood more from their own mouths where they're coming from.  I've been able to help plan a thoughtful transition for a child.  In the least helpful meetings, there were too many missing people to make it effective.  And then there were the meetings I was not invited or not made aware.  I couldn't learn and I couldn't have a voice.  Certainly the most frustrating.

We have one coming up that looks like it will be a room packed full of people.  I'm glad so many are committed to Crocodile and his sisters.  I pray we will be on the same page and be able to help them heal, help them have the best plan for them to grow and flourish.

What meetings do you have in your fostering experience that are similar?

Acronym of the Day: GAL

I thought I'd throw in some informational posts to keep me writing.  I do want to help others with what I know from being in the system awhile.  Plus, I think the more I get writing, the more I'll be prompted to get at the heart of what I need to get out.  And I know there are things I need to get out that I'm not writing.

Disclaimer: acronyms may be state-specific and your location may have another term or different way of doing things.  Feel free to share in the comments.

So, today, GAL!  Guardian ad litem.  This is the lawyer that represents the children in a case.  I have no idea how many cases they are assigned to, but it's a staggering number.  They have their own practices and may work with all sorts of cases, as I know one we worked with was recommended as a good divorce lawyer.  Where I live, they are required to see foster children quarterly, which means usually right before court.  Unlike home visits by caseworkers, these visits are usually five minutes or less.  I've had some standing in our doorway, and others at an agency before or after parenting time.  Once a GAL missed a visit and had to say so in court and said that he would visit that night (without having talked to us about this).  So, right at the end of court, he came over with a sheepish smile, and guess who stood in my doorway for five minutes that night.  I've learned to just schedule the visits myself.  I know when court is coming up and I call or e-mail with available dates and times.  Boom.  (I've started doing this with caseworkers most of the time, too.)  I was grateful that one GAL had known our foster child since before the child was born.  Older siblings were in care and he was assigned to that case.  He knows the full story better than caseworkers who have rotated over the years, though he doesn't devote as much time to the case as a caseworker.

So, why a GAL?  They are not representing the parents of the foster children nor usually communicating much with them to support them in their efforts to reunify with their children, like a caseworker or parent's lawyer.  They are solely representing the interests of the children.  They speak in court.  They can sometimes help foster parents when a foster child's needs are not being met by something in the system, but this can depend on the quality of the GAL.  I have only asked one or two questions of a GAL outside of the scheduled visits because any issues we've had have been resolved with a caseworker or caseworker's supervisor.  We're pretty fortunate.

Because GALs are so overbooked, some children also have a CASA (court-appointed special advocate) to advocate for the needs of the foster child.  CASAs are trained volunteers, not lawyers.  I have not yet had a child with a CASA, though I know they exist in our area.

I am usually not told initially who the GAL is for a case, so I have also learned to ask in the first week or two, "Who is the GAL and what is the contact information?"  Excellent information to have on hand as foster parents.

So there you go, GALs.  Another part of the system that, when it works well, can keep the system accountable to do right by kids.