When we were preparing to foster, I read a lot about support systems and making sure we had them. They don't have to be extended family, but that's usually the first assumption. My family lives one state away and B's family lives one country away. I do have one sibling + spouse within 45 minutes, and they have been very supportive, but it's not quite like having your whole family in town, or parents. So far, this is how being a foster parent without much extended family nearby has played out.
What's been not-so-great
Travel: Out-of-state travel needs birth parent and judge approval, and out-of-country needs birth parent and judge approval, and some serious documents that are hard to get a hold of. We have successfully traveled out-of-state with a foster child, but not out-of-country. (Theoretically, we would have taken Pterodactyl out of the country, but she moved the week before. Since I never had all the documents in hand, I'm still not entirely sure it would have happened.) We've used respite once, and done some creative planning. I sent B with Dinosaur for one trip to B's family rather than having the whole family go. We just went out of country because we knew that doing that between placements was easier. We plan things telling people that they may be canceled, but we also let them know that we won't cancel trip after trip. If it starts looking like that, we'll use respite. We have two trips planned out-of-state in the next few months, and we'll see how that goes. We're planning every third Christmas to travel nowhere (though I argued for this anyway).
Feeling the foster kid difference: After having both families swoop in and stay for lengths of time when our biological kids were born, it's hard when they don't do that for a sweet foster newborn. I don't blame them, but it's still hard. It's hard because we could use the help, and it's hard because we already know this child is treated differently. Some relatives haven't met any of the foster kids so far, and they only ask about our biological kids. One relative asks about Pterodactyl because she met her, but had no interest in hearing that Beetle was coming over for respite. I know it would be different if they saw them more frequently.
Lack of free babysitters: We knew this part already because we have biological kids, but with foster kids more things have come up that we've missed this. We do have wonderful friends and my one nearby sibling who are able to fill in, but I know it's not the same. It's hard to ask people who aren't related to you for those kinds of favors often, or for bigger things like overnight stays.
What's been great
E-mail: I send e-mail updates to our parents, siblings, grandparents, as well as our church small group and a few very close friends. Our agency okayed e-mailing pictures as attachments, just not "posting" them, so I can introduce foster kids this way. I keep them up to date with my constantly changing perception of how long the child is staying and what the child has been up to lately, plus some prayer requests. Getting short responses from people really, really means a lot to me.
Prayers: My mom reminds me that she prays for our former foster kids and their families every day. Shoot, that's better than I do sometimes. Plus, we have their prayers for our family as we go through this journey.
Personalized gifts: While any gifts for foster kids are thoughtful, I get really excited about personalized gifts. One relative made Pterodactyl a nursery wall hanging with her name and info from her birth, just like she had made for Dinosaur and Rhinoceros. Foster kids get clothes and toys from all over, but those individualized things I think are the the things that may really stay with them and remind them that people cared about them in particular.
Intentionally including: Even though I feel an overall sense of the foster kids being treated differently, there have been some really special moments where that wasn't the case. One relative spent a Valentine's package for our family, and included a little Valentine for Beetle, despite the fact that he was 2 months old and had no idea it was a holiday. It touched my heart, and it was special for Dinosaur and Rhinoceros to see that Beetle was included.
I would never discourage someone from fostering because they don't have extended family in town, but I hope that helps some know what it might be like. I am grateful for their prayers and love for our foster babies, and we'll continue to grow and try to communicate well as they continue on this journey with us that they didn't ask to be on!
Showing posts with label reactions to foster care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reactions to foster care. Show all posts
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Thank God I'm not doing this alone
Me: I think I've hit a wall.
B: You know what that wall is called? Children.
Me: No, we can't call it that, because then I'm hitting the children!
I've been pretty chipper about how I don't enjoy middle-of-the-night newborn feedings, but I'm still myself during the day. Well... that ended on Saturday. I haven't been the nicest wife or mom. I've done a lot of apologizing. I did get a nap today and feel much more like myself. But Beetle is not a sleeper, at least not when he's not in our arms. We've done that drill before, but yep, never fun.
He's been at our home almost a week. In many ways, he's like a fussy newborn, which is pretty much the only kind of newborn I've known, to some extent or another. At the same time, there are differences from NAS. He almost never seems to totally relax. Even sleeping in my arms, he startles as soon as I stand up. He may settle back down, but he's always startling and fidgeting. He even cries in his sleep, not enough to wake him, but after he's done it 20 times in a row, I feel bad and pick him up. Or I'm tired and just want to hear less crying. I think he has some tummy troubles, too. He doesn't seem to really enjoy and relax for feedings like other babies, some arching of his back. He's still sensitive to noise and light, though I think he's getting used to it more. He did well at church this morning despite all the noise, but I had him in a wrap with his face hidden and I was standing and swaying, so I think that helped. And thank God for church. I almost turned back around because I had to park ridiculously far away and B was singing with choir, so I had three kids to get across a busy street and into church, two of them whining before I'd unbuckled them. I threatened to go home if they didn't stop, but I knew I was just being a mean, tired mom. More apologies. So glad we went in, as singing "You are the source of my strength" lifted me out of my weariness.
Life with a drug-exposed newborn can't be entirely predicted as babies can be so different from each other. Some have less drug exposure and don't need medication. Some, like Beetle, need to be on methadone after discharge. Some are sleepy. Some scream. Some are startlers (Beetle). I also wonder how much the support might vary. I also thought it would be good for potential foster parents of newborns with NAS to know that they're not just on their own! Here is the support we have had through extra care for Beetle:
B: You know what that wall is called? Children.
Me: No, we can't call it that, because then I'm hitting the children!
I've been pretty chipper about how I don't enjoy middle-of-the-night newborn feedings, but I'm still myself during the day. Well... that ended on Saturday. I haven't been the nicest wife or mom. I've done a lot of apologizing. I did get a nap today and feel much more like myself. But Beetle is not a sleeper, at least not when he's not in our arms. We've done that drill before, but yep, never fun.
He's been at our home almost a week. In many ways, he's like a fussy newborn, which is pretty much the only kind of newborn I've known, to some extent or another. At the same time, there are differences from NAS. He almost never seems to totally relax. Even sleeping in my arms, he startles as soon as I stand up. He may settle back down, but he's always startling and fidgeting. He even cries in his sleep, not enough to wake him, but after he's done it 20 times in a row, I feel bad and pick him up. Or I'm tired and just want to hear less crying. I think he has some tummy troubles, too. He doesn't seem to really enjoy and relax for feedings like other babies, some arching of his back. He's still sensitive to noise and light, though I think he's getting used to it more. He did well at church this morning despite all the noise, but I had him in a wrap with his face hidden and I was standing and swaying, so I think that helped. And thank God for church. I almost turned back around because I had to park ridiculously far away and B was singing with choir, so I had three kids to get across a busy street and into church, two of them whining before I'd unbuckled them. I threatened to go home if they didn't stop, but I knew I was just being a mean, tired mom. More apologies. So glad we went in, as singing "You are the source of my strength" lifted me out of my weariness.
Life with a drug-exposed newborn can't be entirely predicted as babies can be so different from each other. Some have less drug exposure and don't need medication. Some, like Beetle, need to be on methadone after discharge. Some are sleepy. Some scream. Some are startlers (Beetle). I also wonder how much the support might vary. I also thought it would be good for potential foster parents of newborns with NAS to know that they're not just on their own! Here is the support we have had through extra care for Beetle:
- NICU - Beetle was ever-so-slightly pre-term, so some of his care was related to that, and I don't have previous NICU experience to distinguish. He had a stay of 16 days, and I first knew of his existence on day 10. I visited daily and asked the nurses for tips for soothing him and caring for him. Some were especially helpful in explaining his scores and what to expect. I also met with his occupational therapist for instruction on feeding, as many babies with NAS have a lazy suck and tend to dribble or spit. The day he was discharged had lots of information from lots of people as well: the nurse went through an extensive binder of information that all babies from the NICU get, the pharmacist went over administering his methadone, the diet technician went over his formula (he gets a higher-calorie mix for now), the hospital social worker went over paperwork and some case information, and the doctor went over a lengthy report that gave me much more information about his birth and care than I got with Pterodactyl (who did not stay in the NICU). It was plenty of support and information, and from people who had been through caring for these babies before. At least three different hospital personnel made sure I knew to set him down to cry and walk away for a minute if I needed to, and make sure I was taking care of myself. In a loving way, not in a "foster parent are baby shakers" kind of way. And one nurse stood out to me as she strongly advised that B come in on the day of discharge and feed him and hear the same information. She wanted to make sure we were a foster family, not just a foster mom with a husband, because we would both need to pitch in for a baby like Beetle. B is a great support and loving guy, but I did need to hear that I should not just do all the hospital visit myself just because I'm more of a baby person.
- Weekly doctor visits - Beetle needs more visits because he is on methadone and will need to be weaned off of it. It took some doing to find who his doctor was going to be, but it worked out that he is seeing the same doctor I saw with Pterodactyl, and I like her. We've had one visit so far, and she will be setting up a plan to wean and keep on top of that with me. There was a possibility that we couldn't find a doctor that would follow up on babies on methadone and he would have to go to a separate clinic for those check-ups, but thankfully we connected with this doctor.
- Nurse home visits - I was asked by one nurse if we wanted ongoing home visits. I had no idea, but figured why not. I came to find out that he qualified for having NAS, and his Medicaid covers it. So now I have weekly visits from a nurse to be an extra set of eyes to check on how Beetle's doing as we wean him off methadone. AND I don't have to leave my house.
- Additional training - This goes back to January, but we attended a training session to learn more about drug-exposed infants, taught by a nurse who is also a foster parent. I knew some of the information from foster blogs or forums already, but it was good just to hear what to expect. It has also helped me refute myths for the closest friends and family that I tell about Beetle having NAS. No, not all moms who have drug-addicted infants make poor decisions during pregnancy. Some are on methadone under supervision by a doctor because that's safer than trying to quit. No, the long-term effects are probably not as scary as you might have read if the environment mediates them.
- Friends and family - It cannot be underestimated how much offered help means to me. I even took some clothes a friend was getting rid of that I didn't desperately need because I was just felt so encouraged to have help offered. One friend took Rhinoceros overnight to ease the load. Another took him while we had that long afternoon at the hospital while he was discharged. I went to a foster care support group mainly to use their childcare. And, of course, it helps just to have listening ears and prayers.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Other firsts as a foster parent
I'm continuing to catch up on our foster journey so far before blogging in the present.
I thought I would go through a few firsts that threw me for a loop in my foster parenting experience so far.
First Doctor's Appointment
One lesson I learned is that if you call to make a doctor's appointment for a newborn placement and the office says that there is already one scheduled, find out who scheduled it. If a birth parent scheduled it, and you can still make that appointment, make sure the office knows not to cancel the appointment, that you will be there. In our case, Pterodactyl's mom had made the appointment at the hospital, and so when I called to make an appointment, I learned there was already one scheduled and planned on that one. Soon afterward, Pterodactyl's mom called to cancel the appointment, thinking that since she didn't have the baby, she wouldn't have that appointment. Then the caseworker told her to go at that time. This caused a bit of a mess of both of us showing up to a cancelled appointment, though luckily we were able to reschedule for later in the day and both make it back there. Not the best start for foster parent/birth parent interactions that are already awkward. The awkwardness continued, but this was actually the best interaction we have had so far. She asked about my boys and why I was doing foster care. I gave her as much time to snuggle her baby as I could.
I also learned:
This one caught me off-guard with sibling questions directed at me. "Can she come home with us?" I gave an answer that seemed appropriate to me, but wasn't cut-and-dry enough for a 4-year-old and the little guy thought I said yes. And the Grandma didn't understand English enough to intervene. IT was a moment of my heart sinking, wondering what I'd gotten myself into.
First Respite
We did not intend to use respite, but when Pterodactyl was only about two months old, she stayed at another home for the weekend. We had hoped to bring her with us on a trip to Canada to visit B's family, but it got complicated when her birth mom did not give permission and no one could overrule it because the agency didn't have her birth certificate yet. The caseworker suggested a family for respite, whom we had met in our training for becoming licensed. I felt conflicted; I would never leave my biological babies with someone else for a weekend at two months old. At the same time, we don't know how long we're going to be fostering, and we will need to sometimes make sure our family life has a high enough priority. The way our agency set it up, we called the other foster parents and arranged the details, paying them our part of the stipend. They were a wonderful respite placement, happy to take care of Pterodactyl.
First Questions from Strangers
These started immediately. Pterodactyl has dark skin; we have light skin. I got everything from people wanting to know where she was adopted from to people complimenting me on bouncing back from childbirth so quickly. It was especially awkward with a newborn newborn, as most people know that you don't have an internationally adopted baby that young, nor would you be just babysitting such a young baby. I also worried about confidentiality and tried to dodge people's questions about exactly how old she was and her birth date. I felt oddly exposed with all the glances and questions, and this is coming from someone who doesn't mind attention when pregnant. I'm still not entirely over it, and my reaction is often to share more than I need to. A library employee asked me if she was adopted, and I could just say no and let them guess at the rest, but instead I say, "No, we're foster parents." I'm not really supposed to label her as a foster child more than I have to, though at least with a baby, it's not like she understands it.
So, we've navigated our family through some firsts. Coming up sometime soon will be our first good-bye. Pterodactyl's grandma had obstacles that prevented her from taking Pterodactyl as a foster placement, but we learned this week that those obstacles are gone. The caseworker expects she will move to be with Grandma, but it could be anywhere from immediately to weeks. This will be a very difficult first good-bye. I know it would be harder had she been here for years, but four months still seems long enough that it's hard to imagine her not being here. She is not the easiest baby and very attached to me, and I'm worried about what she'll go through when she's uprooted from the only home she has known in her life. I don't say that as someone opposing the change, but I say it for what it is. It sucks for me, but it also sucks for Pterodactyl. But, as I've known from the beginning, foster care sucks. It's an unnatural system that has frequent feelings of wrongness. But that doesn't mean that Pterodactyl didn't need a home. That doesn't mean that there aren't more kids that need us to love and lose and hurt once again.
It's all wrong, but it's happening. We will face it only by the strength that comes from our God.
I thought I would go through a few firsts that threw me for a loop in my foster parenting experience so far.
First Doctor's Appointment
One lesson I learned is that if you call to make a doctor's appointment for a newborn placement and the office says that there is already one scheduled, find out who scheduled it. If a birth parent scheduled it, and you can still make that appointment, make sure the office knows not to cancel the appointment, that you will be there. In our case, Pterodactyl's mom had made the appointment at the hospital, and so when I called to make an appointment, I learned there was already one scheduled and planned on that one. Soon afterward, Pterodactyl's mom called to cancel the appointment, thinking that since she didn't have the baby, she wouldn't have that appointment. Then the caseworker told her to go at that time. This caused a bit of a mess of both of us showing up to a cancelled appointment, though luckily we were able to reschedule for later in the day and both make it back there. Not the best start for foster parent/birth parent interactions that are already awkward. The awkwardness continued, but this was actually the best interaction we have had so far. She asked about my boys and why I was doing foster care. I gave her as much time to snuggle her baby as I could.
I also learned:
- having a birth parent there is very important for getting family history written down
- getting a Medicaid number takes awhile
- telling office staff about confidentiality is important, as a receptionist checked the address they had on file by saying it out loud, not realizing it was Pterodactyl's mom's address. I made sure they put a note so they wouldn't do the reverse (tell a birth mom my address).
This one caught me off-guard with sibling questions directed at me. "Can she come home with us?" I gave an answer that seemed appropriate to me, but wasn't cut-and-dry enough for a 4-year-old and the little guy thought I said yes. And the Grandma didn't understand English enough to intervene. IT was a moment of my heart sinking, wondering what I'd gotten myself into.
First Respite
We did not intend to use respite, but when Pterodactyl was only about two months old, she stayed at another home for the weekend. We had hoped to bring her with us on a trip to Canada to visit B's family, but it got complicated when her birth mom did not give permission and no one could overrule it because the agency didn't have her birth certificate yet. The caseworker suggested a family for respite, whom we had met in our training for becoming licensed. I felt conflicted; I would never leave my biological babies with someone else for a weekend at two months old. At the same time, we don't know how long we're going to be fostering, and we will need to sometimes make sure our family life has a high enough priority. The way our agency set it up, we called the other foster parents and arranged the details, paying them our part of the stipend. They were a wonderful respite placement, happy to take care of Pterodactyl.
First Questions from Strangers
These started immediately. Pterodactyl has dark skin; we have light skin. I got everything from people wanting to know where she was adopted from to people complimenting me on bouncing back from childbirth so quickly. It was especially awkward with a newborn newborn, as most people know that you don't have an internationally adopted baby that young, nor would you be just babysitting such a young baby. I also worried about confidentiality and tried to dodge people's questions about exactly how old she was and her birth date. I felt oddly exposed with all the glances and questions, and this is coming from someone who doesn't mind attention when pregnant. I'm still not entirely over it, and my reaction is often to share more than I need to. A library employee asked me if she was adopted, and I could just say no and let them guess at the rest, but instead I say, "No, we're foster parents." I'm not really supposed to label her as a foster child more than I have to, though at least with a baby, it's not like she understands it.
So, we've navigated our family through some firsts. Coming up sometime soon will be our first good-bye. Pterodactyl's grandma had obstacles that prevented her from taking Pterodactyl as a foster placement, but we learned this week that those obstacles are gone. The caseworker expects she will move to be with Grandma, but it could be anywhere from immediately to weeks. This will be a very difficult first good-bye. I know it would be harder had she been here for years, but four months still seems long enough that it's hard to imagine her not being here. She is not the easiest baby and very attached to me, and I'm worried about what she'll go through when she's uprooted from the only home she has known in her life. I don't say that as someone opposing the change, but I say it for what it is. It sucks for me, but it also sucks for Pterodactyl. But, as I've known from the beginning, foster care sucks. It's an unnatural system that has frequent feelings of wrongness. But that doesn't mean that Pterodactyl didn't need a home. That doesn't mean that there aren't more kids that need us to love and lose and hurt once again.
It's all wrong, but it's happening. We will face it only by the strength that comes from our God.
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