Christmas gifts and foster kids

This is our third Christmas as foster parents, though our first year Pterodactyl moved right before Christmas.  I've been thinking about the complex issue of gifts and foster children.


We were asked back in September what the foster kids would like for Christmas.  An organization works with our agency to donate gifts for foster children to make sure they have a very special Christmas because they are going through so much.  It is a good idea, but it does have some unintended consequences at times.


To begin with, we feel the need to fight the way Christmas gifts seem to spiral out of control.  A grandparent was only going to get one thing, but then they saw something else, and then they wanted this for stocking gifts.  So, we simplify with only giving three gifts to our children, biological and foster.  But then that clearly is going to be off-balance when the foster child is receiving gifts from the donations, and possibly gifts from his or her biological family.  I don't really want to buy more just to balance the number.  Last year we opened them separately so the "balance" wasn't really noticed, but I'm wary of doing that as one biological child is having a very hard time understanding the giving is better than receiving concept.  Yes, he needs to learn, but he's young, and he is going through a lot as a foster sibling.  So, I think this year I'll pack up the donated gifts in one box and I think it might go under the radar.


Then there is planning for shared gifts.  If we buy this for all the kids, but it's for the foster child to open, will it go with the foster child?  The answer is yes, and that is completely how it should be, but it just adds a layer to planning things out.


Then there is the gift opening and how it can be overwhelming.  With Cricket, she shut down around too many people, too many presents.  She was awesome at telling me this and we got through it fine.  Crocodile is not as communicative about his feelings, but just tends to rev up the energy to be wilder and wilder.  I'm hoping for a mild Christmas so we can run outside.


But there are nice parts to opening gifts.  We get gifts for a foster child's biological siblings, and the foster child and our biological children pick out small gifts for each other (notebooks, toothbrushes, etc.)  Sometimes it's nice to have the excuse to buy a high-quality toy you know your foster child will love.  I'm not much of a shopper throughout the year, so we have some stipend money to spend on Christmas beyond our little $25 Christmas gift allowance.


How has fostering affected your gift giving around the holidays?

Birthday time

Cricket's birthday is coming up.  Thanks to my loyal readers that responded in the comments!  I'll just assume everyone else that reads is not licensed yet and is just soaking up my vast wisdom, and not internet robots. ;)

I learned at the last sibling visit that Cricket's sister's birthday is also this month.  Gina planned to invite us to a birthday party, but as we were also going to do something for Cricket, we decided to combine.  We're going to a place they can swim then have cake in a rented room afterward.  Because it's a public place, I was thinking a little bit about inviting Cricket's mom and having a caseworker or case aide attend, as her visits need to be supervised.  Cricket's mom has been appropriate with us and with Cricket, and I don't worry about safety issues.  But unfortunately she hasn't acted appropriately with employees of our agency in front of the kids, and since an employee of the agency would have to be there... it seemed a bit too volatile for a birthday party.

Her mom asked again for our Google Voice number and called this weekend, talked with me a little before she talked to Cricket.  She wanted to know what we were doing for Cricket's birthday.  I was worried she would ask if she could be there or hint toward that, but she didn't.  And tearfully, she asked if we would give her pictures.  Of course.  I asked if there was anything I could do for the visit closest to Cricket's birthday, like bring cookies for them to decorate together.  She said she'd like that.

At times, I become frustrated and outraged at Cricket's mom's choices.  But when her voice breaks asking about birthday details, asking for pictures, thanking us so much for pictures... my heart breaks for her.  This month will be hard for her, two of her babies having birthdays.  I can't imagine.

So, we will have a blast swimming and eating Hello Kitty cake, announcing new ages loudly and proudly.  But it will be bittersweet printing the pictures for the woman who wasn't there.

Birthday parties

This isn't my usual thing, but anyone who has celebrated a birthday with a foster child ever, please tell me in the comments what you did and if/how biological family members were involved.  I've got a start in planning, but keep second-guessing myself and thinking of other ideas.  Thank you for your help!

Merry Christmas

I bought this set of stockings two years ago, when we hadn't decided if or how we would expand our family.  Up until that year we had a mish-mash of stockings, so on a whim I bought these five at an after-Christmas sale.  Last year, we hung up one for Pterodactyl, but didn't use it, as she moved right before Christmas.  This year, the fifth stocking belonged to Cricket.  It had fruit snacks, an ornament, a little dog, a rubber ducky, and some treats from B's parents.  I was happy to use it, and it amazes me how much has happened in our little family in the past two years.

For her presents from us, I wanted to stay small and personal, knowing she would get some donated toys through the agency and possibly some more from her mom (though she didn't end up getting any from her).  I bought her a carrier for her doll like the carrier I use for babywearing with her, some Chewelry, a cape with her initial on it, and this He's Got the Whole World book.  She knew the song before she came to live with us, and we sing it about her family in particular.  The agency toys got bigger grins, but I think she will use all of them and they will be good gifts to belong to her for a long time.

Christmas was up and down.  We tried to attend a Christmas morning service and it was a disaster.  Her mom called for the first time in months.  Opening gifts was fine with our little family, but later with my extended family, she was overwhelmed and told me it was too noisy.  So, I missed a little of that time, but I couldn't have been prouder of her for calmly telling me with words when it was too much for her.  At two years old.  She really is an incredible little girl.  She tried to claim several gifts that others opened and got into one kid's candy (in hindsight I should have told or helped my sister to have her kids move their gifts out of the way).  There were some fights with Rhinoceros and ripping of Dinosaur's new book.  A new thing is flushing toys down the toilet, and we had to put in a new toilet the day after Christmas.  But overall, we had many more good times than bad times.  She stuck close to me most of the time just like Thanksgiving, which was draining, but what she needed.

Usually we like to leave up our tree since we spent the time and money on cutting it down, but I'm realizing it needs to be gone to get things back to normal.  And what is normal?  Weekly in-home therapy, visits with mom (I hope), waiting on the next court date and the possible move to Cricket's sister's relative.

Holidays so far

We've got two weeks until Christmas and my first holiday season with a foster child aware of holidays is underway.


Thanksgiving was very smooth.  The holiday itself was a blast and Cricket was surprisingly comfortable at my parents' house.  The car trip there and back had some miserable bumps, but I think that has more to do with car trips and not holidays.

We did a Christmas photo shoot at a department store and it went surprisingly well.  The photographer was kind of weird and baby-talked to Cricket, but she ate it up for some reason.

Christmas brought excitement.  Cricket loves the lights, and she and Rhinoceros have been pointing out wreaths, garlands, and lights by yelling, "Look, it's Christmas!!" for a few weeks.  But now I think it's starting to build up and possible trigger bad memories.  The past week we've had some behavior that I thought had been settling down, and I think the holiday excitement might be part of it.  She's sometimes afraid of the lights, sometimes not.  In general there's a bit more fear expressed lately.  Plus she's met a lot of new people lately: my parents, grandparents, and sister's family over Thanksgiving, then B's parents the next weekend as they came to visit and open a few presents with us. 

Also, I know most kids have post-visit negative behaviors, but I think Cricket has no-visit negative behaviors, and she has had few visits lately.  She misses her mom and sister so much and keeps asking to see them.  I hope someone makes a visit before the holidays.  She will get to see her sister before Christmas, as her sister's relative placement (a paternal relative not related to Cricket) is doing respite for us as we go to a wedding.  That relative is working on getting licensed so she can have all three siblings. That is not a done deal and may take a long time, but it is in the works.

We won't be traveling for the holidays, but some of my family is coming here.  We'll have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with just our immediate family, so I think that will help give us time to take the holiday slow.

Finally, we took out the ornaments for the three foster babies we said goodbye to in the past year.  It's bittersweet.  I hope they still have theirs with them.  I am sure where one is living, but unsure about the other two.  I can't believe they're all at least 11 months old, tearing away at wrapping paper this year.

I'll just wrap this up with what I have the kids say every morning with our advent activity calendar: "Hallelujah!  Christ is coming!"

Strange season

Second verse, same as the first.  Pterodactyl is here, bumps in the road, we wait.

She came with us to visit my family out-of-state for a few days.  I don't know if it was intentional or not, but almost no one in my family talked about her leaving.  I actually appreciated that.  I don't think it's good to be in denial, but after everyone I talk to gives me a pitying face or tears up at the mention of her leaving our home after being raised by us from birth, it was refreshing.  We could just enjoy being together.  They helped us out in chasing and holding all our kids.  It was nice.  Plus, she did well on the trip there and back, which is a miracle.

She's slipped into our holiday traditions most of the time.  With a baby, there's no worries about what she expects during the holidays, so that's easy enough.  So, I didn't think she'd really be a part of things.  But she is, as she sits in her high chair eating prunes while we eat a turkey dinner.  And now I wore her in a carrier to pick out a Christmas tree, just like I had for my boys, snuggled close to me on a chilly afternoon.  She noticed the sudden presence of lights in our living room as we decorated the tree.  She looked at our faces intently as we sang a nightly Christmas carol by the tree before bedtime.

And yet, she's not on our Christmas card.  I'm starting to regret not including her name even though I couldn't include her photo.  My thought process was that I really thought she would have moved by now and it would be confusing.  To who, I don't know, since most people I'd send cards to get e-mail updates about how fostering is going.

Then I wonder if I'm doing enough of the Christmas traditions that her family would appreciate, especially as she's still with us so close to the holidays.  We don't do Santa visits, but maybe a first picture with Santa would be important to her mom or her grandma.  Or maybe they don't her to have that until they can be there for it.  I'm thinking I should get her a first Christmas ornament, and if her grandma wants to get her one later, I guess she could have two.


None of these details are that important, but they run through my head.   They're probably just a part of my processing that she'll be gone.  I wish I could replace them with more productive thoughts, like praying for her mom.  She needs it; things are not good right now.  She needs a miracle, the hope of a savior.  Don't we all.