Thankful for children

I shrugged off the idea of daily proclaiming what I'm thankful for on Facebook for a month, but as I read through these link-up posts, I was convicted.  I've been working on memorizing Psalm 34, and I've realized "His praise will always be on my lips" is not true in my life.  So, maybe it's not a month, but here are a few posts of thankfulness for different parts of foster care.  Today I'll focus on how I'm thankful for the children.



Oh how I've loved the baby time.  Sniffing their warm little heads, snuggling them in a carrier.  And that the door is not shut on possible future baby time.  And there is nothing like the joy on Dinosaur's face when we had a new baby to hold and love, even if it was just for a week.  They work so hard on the little things they do: holding their heads steady, grabbing that toy, rolling over.


And the toddlers.  The two we have had the privilege to foster have been bold, joyful personalities, amazing me in their strength, speed, and independence.  It honestly just makes me marvel at how quickly tiny humans learn and grow.  I am thankful for their affection, their determination, and their funny little ways.  They are the reason I have lengthy conversations about pee in the library and that just keeps me from taking life too seriously. 


You get to redo traditions over and over, and in different ways, and watch them find comfort or joy in those traditions.  I've sung the same songs to many different little ones, and I've sung a new song that is just for that child.  I get to witness the joy over the first snow of the year, the first mug of hot chocolate after playing in the snow.  I get to learn their strange little phrases and be their interpreters when no one else knows that "swim" actually means "swing."  I get to watch them learn what to expect here, to learn the routine, to learn that they are safe and cared for.


Lately Crocodile has especially touched my heart in the way that he comes across a toy that he knows is a favorite of a foster brother, then grabs it and runs it over to that foster brother, eager to give it to him.  He is a very loving little guy, and his sweetness inspires me to be more loving.


P.S. I'm sorry for my weird string of empty posts!  I intended to start this series and save drafts of potential topics, but apparently I published them all.  Oops.

Soundtrack to fostering toddlers

Cricket quickly latched onto our copy of Frozen when she moved in.  She already knew it before coming to our house and called both main characters "my Let It Go" rather than their names.  It was playing almost every time I worked on her hair because I would pretty much do anything to make her happy while I worked on her hair.  She and Rhinoceros turned chairs on their sides to pretend they were the bridges of Elsa's castle and belt the same half-accurate lines of Let It Go over and over.

When she moved, I had to say I had a few sighs of pure relief, and one was leaving Frozen to gather dust on a shelf for awhile.  Perfectly fine movie, but after listening to it 40 times while staring at hair, I was done.

Crocodile did not seem to like watching movies or shows.  In fact, he was really scared when he arrived, and we tried to get him to watch a show with us, and he was pretty reluctant.  He is Mr. Active, Mr. Go go go, so sitting and watching is not really his thing.  Occasionally he'll watch something with us and talk through the whole thing, like that annoying guy in my college dorm.  So, I thought I was pretty safe from Frozen.  2-year-old boy, not so interested in watching movies.  But then he spotted it and asked for it.   Of course, he has preschool-age biological sisters.  Of course he had caught the Frozen fever.  Now it's almost a daily request.  He doesn't sit through the whole thing, but he'll watch a part here and there (and talk through it about everything he sees).  But what he really wants is "watch Fwozen me" (watch Frozen with me).  He does this little hand gesture that means "come with me."  Oh, buddy, I just really... I mean... sigh.  So, I watch bits and pieces of it, again.  These little ones, they've lost so much.  At least I can give them something familiar that reminds them of happy times watching a happy movie with their families.

So, I will remember the special moments of watching them fall asleep, feeling them safe in my arms, crying over their sad stories... and I will always, always remember pretty much every word to Frozen.

I have another brother

I was flipping through papers in Dinosaur's backpack and I found a piece of writing by him about his house, saying great 7-year-old things like that our house is SO old, but still okay.  But I stopped when I read:

"I have another brother named (Crocodile's name)."

Sometimes when Dinosaur talks about his foster siblings, he says foster first.  Mostly he uses their names.  This is the first time I remember him just using brother.

And though he hasn't been here since birth and we don't know how long he'll stay, in so many ways, they are just brothers.  They take each others' stuff.  They give each other things to make each other smile.  Crocodile imitates Dinosaur and Dinosaur is annoyed.

Though I do know there is an initial shock and adjustment phase.  And I believe there is something about suddenly having a toddler in your family.  Let's face it: toddlers are irrational, crazy little people.  I think the gradual transformation from "cute baby sibling" to "crazy toddler sibling" may be easier on siblings.

It was nice to read without any qualifiers, like I often feel they are my children without any qualifiers.  I don't mean in the sense that they belong to me, but sometimes they are just my daughters, just my sons, in the way I feel in our family.

Assorted items for fostering a toddler

Disclaimer: every toddler is different!  They toddle differently.  They may not toddle at all.  Our experience is with the 2- to 3-year-old age range, so these may not apply to younger toddlers.  Disclaimer 2: I am not an expert, and found these items from many attempts and mistakes.  I may learn better options in the future and hope to share those, too.  Not really a disclaimer, but just in case you're wondering: none of these companies paid me anything.

Will you be fostering a toddler in the future and wonder what may be helpful to have on hand besides clothes and shoes?  Here are a few things that fit Cricket and Crocodile's needs:


Multiple sturdy nightlights

Toddlers do not like the dark, and toddlers who are in a new home and have experience trauma especially do not like the dark.  Toddlers who are savvy enough to climb out of a crib and need a bed are also savvy enough to unplug or break cheap nightlights.  Our current configuration is to have one nightlight out of reach that turns off after 20 minutes, and one nightlight that the child can use. 

The out-of-reach nightlight has helped with building trust at nighttime and naps: I will come in the room to check on you when the light turns off.  Most requests are delayed with the refrain: "I'm right over there.  I'll come in when the light turns off."  Once again, every child is different, but after settling in, we were able to make this work (usually) so that naptime and bedtime were less dependent on adults being in the room, and it helped us be consistent with how much we went in the room.  We use an old Dream Light (which did not work as a personal nightlight as the plastic cover came off, exposing wires). 

The nightlight for the child gives the child control and comfort by having that control over the environment.  We went with the Munchkin Owl Nightlight, which is fabulously cheap and has an amazing battery life.  Over 2 months with nightly use and we have not changed the batteries.  Crocodile really loves it and operates it easily.  I have heard, though, that red light is better for kids falling asleep, so I may try the Kinderglo in the future, but Crocodile already loves his so much, I'm not going to mess with it.

I'm debating adding a third nightlight with future placements to have something that just stays on all night.  We haven't had luck with plug-in ones because they unplug them, and while the Owl is awesome, sometimes he may not be able to find it in the dark, or just waking up in the dark is too alarming.  So, maybe motion-sensing lights would be good?  Leaving the hall light on sort of works, but I think they find comfort having the light in their room.  Or maybe I can find something better than the Dream Light that can have a timer but also be switched to run all night, which can still be placed completely out of reach of the child.  Suggestions?

Sturdy photo album


Getting toddlers pictures of their biological family members is very important.  However, partly because they're toddlers and partly because the pictures bring up strong, mixed emotions, they may destroy them.  They also want to carry them everywhere, so precious pictures are lost quickly.  I tried a cheap small photo album, like a Grandma brag book, and the plastic on the pages was torn apart swiftly.  We never found a good solution for Cricket.  Now I'm trying the soft album pictured above that a friend suggested and passed on to me.  I may actually sew the photos in there, as Crocodile has already  managed to get them out.  And the next time around, I want to start out with this album, pictures sewn in, and we're good to go.


Water bottle


This may seems small, but if you have other young children and your house is like mine, everyone has "their" water bottle.  When a newly placed foster child notices they do not have a water bottle of his or her own, it's not cool.  So, I'm trying to keep one on hand ahead of time, even a few so the child can choose one, or to have a back-up in case they can't work the one I bought.

Backpack

Little backpacks are adorable.  But besides that, I've found them to be great for visits.  I usually have a few pieces of artwork and notes for biological parents, plus they may give gifts to their child.  A backpack makes it easier to round up all that stuff, especially when holding multiple hands crossing parking lots.  They're also useful for the inevitable multiple appointments you'll have for a foster child, as I put waiting room activities in the backpack to bring along.


Duffle bag or suitcase

I hope this is pretty well-known by now, but foster children may move from your home, they may move suddenly, and they need something with more dignity than a trash bag or shopping bags.  I often find cheap kids' or small duffle bags at Aldi and stock up.  Some agencies may provide them when the child arrives, but be prepared in case they don't.  We also use them regularly for weekend trips, respite, and transition visits.


Comfort food

We always have a couple boxes of mac and cheese and frozen break-n-bake cookie dough on hand.

African-American hair basics

This will be its own post, and I'm really looking forward to sharing it.

What are your toddler essentials for foster care?

Building foster sibling bonds with a toddler

While Crocodile doesn't quite have the intensely tumultuous relationship with Rhinoceros and Dinosaur as Cricket did, they are not always major Crocodile fans.  Part of it is because 2-year-olds do destroy most things you're trying to do when you're 4 and 7, and his social skills for cooperative play are limited to playing hide-and-seek poorly.  Can't help it, he's 2.  Part of it is that he needs a lot of my attention, and I'm sure they're jealous for it.  I also think it's hard to suddenly have a toddler sibling rather than knowing them as infants and watching them grow into the terrible twos.  I know it can be hard as a parent at times.

So it's nice when they have great sibling bonding moments. Tonight we had a blast playing together at a splash pad, no one really getting mad at each other for spraying or splashing each other. 
I just noticed Crocodile had been calling Dinosaur and Rhinoceros the same name (as he also does with his sisters), but now he's started clearly saying different names for them now. 

And Dinosaur and Crocodile had a sweet moment the other day.  Dinosaur has these stuffed "puffles" from Club Penguin that he adores, but all have been missing for who knows how long.  Crocodile found one and brought it straight to Dinosaur with a grin on his face.  Dinosaur was not only thrilled and thanked him several times, but keeps bringing it up.  "Do you remember how kind Crocodile was when he found my puffle and brought it to me?  That was so nice!"  It's very sweet.  I need to tie in that he is a part of that, that by being kind in our house, he is teaching his brothers to be kind by his example.

Comparisons

It's hard not to compare kids whatever sort of parent you are.  Dinosaur is my bold waterslide champion.  Rhinoceros says NOPE to even mild splash pads.  Who is friendlier, who is crazier, who is bossier, etc.  Foster parents have the same tendency, but maybe even more so as we start to build up quite a repertoire of experiences for particular age ranges.  And possibly even more so because we don't always see kids grow out of stages and have no choice but to get an impression of them as they are here and now.  We also are trying to figure out what is age-appropriate behavior and what might be an impact of trauma, so that's always in the back of my mind as I think of all the kids I've had in the infant stage, or all the kids I've had in the toddler stage.

So, now with my second foster toddler and fourth toddler overall, my mind is constantly running a compare/contrast train of thought.  As I wrote before, [url=http://myfamilyfornow.blogspot.com/2015/07/nests.html]Cricket and Crocodile both make nests.[/url]  They are both very advanced in gross motor skills and do some things independently that my bio kids certainly did not at that age.  They both fiddle around quite a bit as they fall asleep and can't stop moving, though Cricket much more so.  They cling to me more than B.  They're very possessive of toys, though Cricket also had possessiveness over food, and Crocodile doesn't as much.

A major difference has been reactions to people being in their close personal space.  Cricket would often lash out when Dinosaur or Rhinoceros just walked closely by her, exploding in rage in a way that you know had to be instinctive, not choice.  We worked a lot on saying "1... 2.. 3... please give me some space."  But it usually came out 123GIVEMESOMESPACE!  Which I still count as progress.  This created quite a bit of conflict, as Dinosaur's greatest interpersonal weakness is... invading others' personal space.

But Crocodile?  He eats it up.  He wants wrestled with, pounced on, surprised, hugged.  The other boys are loving it, until he's lying on someone's face.

Then sometimes I compare and assume and need to check myself.  Crocodile had several shots at a doctor's appointment, and his last shots were long enough ago that he had no clue what was going on.  As I made dinner, he started whining over and over to pick him up.  I did briefly as much as I could, but part of me stiffened in fear.  I spent months picking up Cricket, probably more than 30 times in a day sometimes.  She needed cradled like a baby, and I provided that with some limits.  But even with limits it was exhausting.  I wondered if the shots traumatized him so much that now we'd be on the same road.  I want to say I was ready to give of myself to another child, but I was not feeling so giving.  So, I patiently picked him up, but I'm sure my face and tone of voice revealed a bit of strain.

The whining turned to low volume crying that persisted longer than usual for him, so finally I asked if he hurt, and he said yes and pointed to his legs.  I gave him Tylenol, and sure enough that ended the requests for being picked up.  Poor kids' legs just felt too sore to stand, but he couldn't figure out he should just sit or lie down because he likes being on the move!  So, that's not to say that he didn't also want some comfort, but I do need to keep an open mind always for each unique individual little one that comes to our home.

Nests

Babies and young kids in foster care are often used to sleeping differently than foster care requires, or that foster parents may find typical.  We adjust with gentleness and love as we find something that works for the kids and our family.

Crocodile is used to going to sleep much later and sleeping in later than our other kids.  Which would be fine to go along with, if we could possibly keep him quiet in the evening while our early-to-bed kids sleep, but his volume levels are not exactly controllable at this stage in his life.  He is starting to get up earlier, but not going to bed earlier?  Tonight was a little closer to our goal time at least.

Then they both quickly showed us that they were definitely not the kind of toddlers that stay in a crib.  And a toddler bed is a great option, but they're not so hot on staying in that either.  I know Cricket shared a bed with family members, and I'm guessing many other foster kids do as well.  I've slept on the floor next to the toddler bed at times, but try to gently get them used to their rooms and their beds.  Cricket and Crocodile both prefer little nests to their beds.  Cricket loved lying down on the vent with a blanket around her, as she was with us through the winter and she could have the warm air blowing around her.  Seemed a bit uncomfortable, but that was her nest.  Crocodile made his little nest with cushions from the glider rocker, first in the corner of the room, now in the middle.

And true to his name, I think Crocodile has worn his Crocs every night he's been here.  I often take them off when putting him in pajamas, but he finds them and puts them back on.  Sure, I could put them further away, but sometimes it's the little things that you just watch them do, nod, and hope it gives them a little control and comfort.

My plans, God's plans

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9

It's no big surprise.  Plan things out for your family, and God will show you the true plan.

We were certain that by limiting our age range to six months younger than our youngest biological child, we were preserving the birth order.  No "virtual twins" for us.  Not that virtual twins are a bad choice for others, but they were not in our plan.

Well, our new gal Cricket is one year younger than Rhinoceros, but they are virtual twins.

I would bet money that no stranger could pick out that he is one year older.  They are the same size, and she is faster and stronger.  She is a big sister and acts accordingly.  She is also more of a "do it myself" personality than he is, so that makes her seem older as well.

When Rhinoceros met her, I picked him up from a friend's house and put him in the car.  She was asleep in the car seat, and he talked on and on about the baby.  I tried to explain to him that she is not a baby, but I believe that she's in the same convertible car seat as our foster babies established that she was a baby.

Today, when Cricket wants to tell Rhinoceros what's up, she's been calling him Baby.  "Baby, that's mine!"

So, we have two toddlers, both convinced that they are not the baby in the household.  So much for my birth order plans.  God, weren't You supposed to send us a meek wide-eyed little toddler?  One that Rhinoceros could be a helper and leader with?

But I trust that He has prepared us in ways we don't know.  And I trust she is with us for a reason.

Well, that was quick.

Just three days into being on the list for placements, we got a call for a 2-year-old girl.  She's now sleeping upstairs.

I went straight from a work meeting to pick her up from a shelter.  I'm not sure why we didn't get a call last night to prevent her from going to the shelter.  She was happy and doing her thing at the shelter, then fell asleep on the ride home, then when I woke her up, she was not so happy.  Not sobbing, but it took her awhile to smile again, and explore and check out the toys.  Somewhere in there were the words that stopped me cold.

"Go buh-bye?"

I know, honey.  I know you want to go buh-bye.  I know you're so lost and confused.  I know you miss your mama and your siblings.

I'm sure for a toddler placement, the first evening went quite well.  She ate.  She didn't want to go to bed, but let me rock and cuddle her, and she was asleep after an hour with minimal crying.

But it's still so, so sad.  You can see it in her face, hear it in her voice, in a way that you couldn't with our infant placements.

Plus, we're buckling up for our family adjusting to a walking, talking foster child.  She is a year younger than Rhinoceros, but they're the same size.  She also seems much more independent than my kids at her age.  It'll shake us up quite a bit, I think.

I'm glad we can be here for her.  But I am worn out and need some sleep before tomorrow's adventures begin.