"He was my best friend."

"And now he's gone."

How am I doing since Crocodile moved?  Part wistful and a little sad, part relieved, not too many really strong emotions at this point.  Except when Rhinoceros says things like that.

He and Dinosaur will be okay.  We will walk them through it.  They aren't acting too out of character.  But they're sad, and then I get sad.

Time to plan some things to look forward to before this becomes a rut.  Time to do some special things with Rhinoceros and Dinosaur.  Time to listen to the pain and sadness, feel it myself, and then move forward again.

The prayer request

After church, a teacher in the children's ministry told B about a prayer request.  Dinosaur had asked for prayer because he felt sad that Crocodile would leave our home and he would miss him.

There are no immediate plans for Crocodile to move, but there are several possible outcomes that lead that direction, some sooner than later.  And I think even if he thought he might stay, we would still plant the idea of a probable goodbye.  It's hard to know how to handle the possibility of adoption with kids, and I know if we had a case that really was going toward adoption, it would be hard to know what to say.  We have close friends who will be finalizing an adoption soon.  I want to celebrate with my kids that know that family, and yet I know it could be painful for them to know that for this foster family, they didn't have to say goodbye that time.  So why do they have to say goodbye to the foster siblings that they love?

We talked about his sad feelings.  "I just love playing with him so much!"  We brainstormed what can help (taking lots of pictures and videos, especially some of them playing together).  We had just watched Inside Out, and talked about how we can feel sad about happy things because we miss someone or worry about losing them.  We talked about how in the movie when Sadness came out, it could lead to help, comfort, and sometimes good things  And we were always hear to talk when he felt sad.

It still felt incomplete.  They fall hard for kids, and Dinosaur has fallen especially hard for Crocodile.  He talks about his cuteness pretty much every day.  God help their tender hearts, help them to mend and go on to be listening ears for others that experience loss.

I have another brother

I was flipping through papers in Dinosaur's backpack and I found a piece of writing by him about his house, saying great 7-year-old things like that our house is SO old, but still okay.  But I stopped when I read:

"I have another brother named (Crocodile's name)."

Sometimes when Dinosaur talks about his foster siblings, he says foster first.  Mostly he uses their names.  This is the first time I remember him just using brother.

And though he hasn't been here since birth and we don't know how long he'll stay, in so many ways, they are just brothers.  They take each others' stuff.  They give each other things to make each other smile.  Crocodile imitates Dinosaur and Dinosaur is annoyed.

Though I do know there is an initial shock and adjustment phase.  And I believe there is something about suddenly having a toddler in your family.  Let's face it: toddlers are irrational, crazy little people.  I think the gradual transformation from "cute baby sibling" to "crazy toddler sibling" may be easier on siblings.

It was nice to read without any qualifiers, like I often feel they are my children without any qualifiers.  I don't mean in the sense that they belong to me, but sometimes they are just my daughters, just my sons, in the way I feel in our family.

Building foster sibling bonds with a toddler

While Crocodile doesn't quite have the intensely tumultuous relationship with Rhinoceros and Dinosaur as Cricket did, they are not always major Crocodile fans.  Part of it is because 2-year-olds do destroy most things you're trying to do when you're 4 and 7, and his social skills for cooperative play are limited to playing hide-and-seek poorly.  Can't help it, he's 2.  Part of it is that he needs a lot of my attention, and I'm sure they're jealous for it.  I also think it's hard to suddenly have a toddler sibling rather than knowing them as infants and watching them grow into the terrible twos.  I know it can be hard as a parent at times.

So it's nice when they have great sibling bonding moments. Tonight we had a blast playing together at a splash pad, no one really getting mad at each other for spraying or splashing each other. 
I just noticed Crocodile had been calling Dinosaur and Rhinoceros the same name (as he also does with his sisters), but now he's started clearly saying different names for them now. 

And Dinosaur and Crocodile had a sweet moment the other day.  Dinosaur has these stuffed "puffles" from Club Penguin that he adores, but all have been missing for who knows how long.  Crocodile found one and brought it straight to Dinosaur with a grin on his face.  Dinosaur was not only thrilled and thanked him several times, but keeps bringing it up.  "Do you remember how kind Crocodile was when he found my puffle and brought it to me?  That was so nice!"  It's very sweet.  I need to tie in that he is a part of that, that by being kind in our house, he is teaching his brothers to be kind by his example.

First Day January 2015 - Happy New Year at home

We didn't have a very social New Year's Day or Eve.  B is wrapped up in books and wanted to just read all day, so besides making treats for our neighbors and delivering them (meant to do before Christmas, but we had a treat-making fail and lack of time), we just hung around.  Rhinoceros had a miserable moody morning, and Cricket a miserable moody late afternoon/evening, but there were some fun times somewhere in there.

More good things

Someday I'll come up with a thoughtful series of these, but for now I'm just going to write them when I'm feeling joyful and thankful.  Then try to remember to read them when I feel less so.

- Cricket, when she saw snow in the morning: "It's... It's Christmas!!"  She keeps saying that now and then, like when we made a snowman.  I can't stop loving it.

- We've tried an incentive for quiet voices in the car (i.e., no screaming just because you know it terrorizes the other people in the car), and Cricket is totally going for it.  Also, putting down one of the fold-and-go seats has given everyone more room and less potential for freaking out because someone bumped into you.  My blood pressure no longer increases every time we head toward the car.

- We checked out books at the library without Cricket attacking the library checkout computer or anyone flopping around on the floor.

- I got a membership at a family rec. center place where I can work out and bring the kids to the child care.  I needed more built-in, no-calling-sitters-necessary break time, and I'm glad I just went ahead and did it, even though the cheapskate in me resisted.  We went once already and they had fun playing and I loved the break.

- Dinosaur has worked harder at saying kind things to Cricket, and some are so sweet.  A neighbor boy also has a soft spot for Cricket and keeps inviting her to do things with him.

- We won a raffle through our agency for 3 hours of house cleaning!!  Every foster parent should get this.

- We watched almost the a whole Veggie Tales movie all on the couch together in complete peace.

These may sound like little things, but they are huge for me.  Every day is an intense emotional battle for me and the things I need to deal with in my heart.  God has broken me apart piece by piece, but He is also building something beautiful in all of us.

Tender, wounded hearts

The first couple of days after Caterpillar's goodbye were harder than I anticipated.  Now I feel much more balanced and like myself, though I'm still a little on edge.  I've been having really vivid dreams, though I'm not sure if that has to do with the good-bye.  I feel emotionally exhausted even when I sleep.  I just finished a photo book to go with Caterpillar and a photo book to stay with us (the former is more about him and his milestones, the latter has more of our family with him).  Those were exhausting, too, though I'm really happy with them and looking forward to flipping through them with Dinosaur and Rhinoceros.

I feel like when we're just a family of four I should soak up all the sweetness of Dinosaur and Rhinoceros.  But we're all going through a transition, and we're not always so sweet to each other.  I soak it up one moment, but then I turn around and snap at them.

Back-to-back, my foster mom friend and my mom called to see how I was doing one afternoon this week.  It was totally worth not accomplishing what I planned to accomplish during those phone calls.  I needed them.  I spent almost four hours at my church's mom's group, pouring out our hearts.  I needed that, too.

I don't like feeling so needy.  I wish I had more to give.  But I need to refresh and renew so I can give again.

I will say that there is so much I am thankful for during this break.  We'll go back on the list for placements in September.  I am thankful for a few weeks without carrying around a diaper bag!  Rhinoceros is finally potty trained, so there's no one in the house in diapers.  I am thankful for easier outings with kids: shorter shopping trips and much lower stress trips to the beach.  I am thankful for our upcoming anniversary and two dates this month.  I am thankful for the week-long camping trip we're taking at the end of the month, just four of us.  I am thankful I already got to see Caterpillar briefly (I forgot to pack an important bag with his medication - whoops), and that I have vague plans to see Pterodactyl soon.

It will be a good month, despite our tender hearts grieving a loss.  Rhinoceros is asking about Caterpillar more than he did with the other foster kids.  Dinosaur spotted a baby at church today and went right for him, asking eagerly, "Can I kiss him?"  He kissed Caterpillar like 40 times a day.  I know he misses him.  Even B, on the day Caterpillar moved, checked in with me and mentioned how this time it was a bit more emotional for him than for the others.  He just had more of a connection with Caterpillar even though he's not a baby person.  We weren't blindsided at all by this move, and we don't oppose it in the least, but it is still its own unique wound in the heart of our family.

I had the same photographer friend who did Beetle's photos do a photo shoot of Caterpillar before he moved, so you get another pair of baby feet to enjoy.

Interview with Dinosaur

Dinosaur turns 6 years old very soon, so I thought I'd do a birthday interview on being a foster brother.  Seriously, this kid loves babies, sometimes a little too much.

Me: What is your favorite thing about taking care of babies?
D: Holding them.
Me: What is the hardest part about taking care of babies?
D: Nothing.
Me: Is there anything that makes you sad?
D: Nothing.
Me: Tell me what you thought when Pterodactyl came to our house.
D: Happy happy happy!
Me: What about when Beetle came?
D: Happy happy happy happy!
Me: And what about Caterpillar?
D: Happy happy happy happy happy happy!
Me: What have you learned since we started being a foster family taking care of babies?
D: You talking to me about it.
Me: What did I say?
D: You said that you were taking care of babies with us.
Me: Tell me what you thought when we said goodbye to Pterodactyl and Beetle.
D: Happy sad-ish.
Me: What was the happy part?
D: By saying goodbye.
Me: What was the sad part?
D: I didn't see Pterodactyl again, but Beetle, he came here two times.
Me: What do you hope for the future in our family?
D: Well, taking care of Caterpillar.
Me: And what do you think about saying goodbye to him?
D: Well, he's so ready to go with his grandma.
Me: What do you want to teach Rhinoceros about taking care of babies?
D: Talk about the babies and talk which names they are.
Me: What do you want to do when you grow up?
D: Take care of babies and kids and have ten babies.
Me: What else do you want to say about being a foster family?
D: About the Caterpillar and he's so cute and they can ride away and ppppht.
Me: Do you like seeing me type your words and sounds?
D: Yes.
Me: Anything else you want to say today?
D: His butt.
Me: No, I'm not going to type that.
D: Well, his mouth.
Me: What about his mouth?
D: He smiles so much.  And that's it!
Me: Indeed.

Killing time during visits

Caterpillar has three one-hour visits per week, and the expectation is that I transport for them (though I do not supervise them).  Our other foster children have had similar visit schedules.  I am very fortunate that these visits usually mesh with my life pretty well when they wouldn't for other people.  In fact, that was one reason in favor of fostering babies and toddlers, as agencies that don't do much transportation for visits have a lot of trouble finding families who are willing to juggle three visits per week.  It works out all right for us because:

• I live less than ten minutes' drive from the agency.
• The agency is in a walkable downtown of a city.
• I like getting out of the house once a day anyway.
• Because my part-time work hours are in the evening, if I'm not available to transport, B usually is.
• When visits are scheduled during Rhinoceros's nap time and no other time can be found, the agency is willing to transport at least one way.

So, I thought I'd share what our during-visit time is like lately.  During the school year, I have Rhinoceros with me, and during school breaks, Dinosaur joins us as well.  Some options depend on weather.

Library - One library branch is a short walk from the agency.  We'd make routine visits here anyway, and a little under an hour is about perfect.

Museum - One child-friendly museum is a short walk away as well, so we have a membership and go regularly.


Lunch - Some of our visits have been during lunchtime, so we find a restaurant nearby and try to stretch it out to an hour (a little bit of a challenge with a 3-year-old, but we manage).
  
Farmer's Market - I wish there was one within walking distance because I hate getting in and out of the car, but it is a short, fun errand that I like to do in the summer.

Other errands - Occasionally we'll run a quick errand, but I try to avoid this because again it means getting in and out of the car so many times.

A snack and a walk - This is a new idea I tried out today.  We picked up a pastry and coffee and crossed the river downtown, then back via two different bridges.  Rhinoceros rode in the stroller some and walked some.

Honestly, I like the structure and miss it when we don't have a child placed with us.  Though our house does get a lot cleaner, and it's nice to stay at the museum for longer than 45 minutes.

We need another baby

"We need another baby."

Dinosaur said this after a conversation about what twins are, as he always thinks that his cousins who are also 5 years old are his twins.  I responded, "Well, we might get a call soon and then we will take care of another baby or little boy or girl."  While that response was fine, I think I missed an opportunity to turn the comment on its head and say, "Another baby needs us.  We don't know when, but when there is a baby or child who needs a family to take care of him or her, we'll be ready."

Maybe it's because in waiting for another placement, I slip into seeing things as Dinosaur does.  When is OUR next placement?  Who is next for OUR family?  I mentally picture upcoming events with different imaginary children of different ages and how they would fit into OUR plans.

This Easter I've reflected a lot how God's plan for us is not how we would write the story, and the Messiah He sent is not the Messiah people had planned on.  Yet He is the Messiah we need, far beyond our understanding.

So, I pray that God will use us for His plans, far beyond our understanding.

8th Day - Respite with Beetle

Whew, what a week.  Beetle is really, really intense.  Dinosaur is home for Spring Break when he's used to being at school all day.  I'm subbing for two classes this week.  We even got a placement call when I didn't think we were even on the list (we said no).  It was hard to say no, but I figured if we were barely hanging on with Beetle this week, we needed to wait until he left to add someone new.  That and if I told my sitter for tomorrow that she was now caring for four kids under 5 plus her own, she might have stopped returning my calls.

So here's the 8th day of April in this crazy week, starting with morning methadone for the baby.

 Morning tummy time with Beetle is a favorite activity.

 

My kids' reality: I am the best mom ever for putting their snack on Luigi plates. My reality: there were no clean plates and these leftovers from a birthday party were the first thing I saw when looking for paper plates.

 No foster care appointments today, so we did all the other errands.

 

Necessary tool for survival.

 Sometimes I have a lovely devotional time with my 1 pm coffee, as all kids are resting/sleeping.  Sometimes that lasts two minutes before it's obliterated by screaming and poopy pants.

This seems like the most boring educational "game" website ever, but the kids eat it up.

Finally our park is not covered in snow!!!  Dinosaur and Rhinoceros already ran ahead to the merry-go-round.

95% of my parenting success this day was in snack form.  We did a reading of Fat Frogs on a Skinny Log while acting it out with pretzel rods, peanut butter, and green jellybeans.

I'm still in work clothes, just home from work.

Gathering materials for tomorrow's lesson on reading nutritional labels (I work in adult education).

And sleep.  Until my 2 am-onward shift with Beetle.

For all those so worried about my bio kids and fostering

This morning, Dinosaur and I were having a fun chat about what grown-ups do, and I asked him the usual "what do you want to do when you grow up" question.  Most recently, his answer had been fix cars (one grandpa's career) and fix computers (dad's career).

But today he said, "I want to help people.  And take care of a baby."

My eyes filled with tears.  This is my son that has never tended toward helping or caring for others.  He didn't say this after I gave birth to his younger brother.  He said this after he saw that we take care of babies, and that this helps people.

I know they get less attention because we're busy with fostering.  I know they feel the goodbyes with more confusion and hurt than they express.  Beetle is scheduled to move one week from today (but you know how foster care goes), and I ache when Dinosaur declares how much he loves Beetle, and Rhinoceros asks "Where's Beetle?"  But oh, what they learn.  I need to remember to pray over these little guys, that their hearts grow, and they grow up to do much more to love others than I ever did.

Foster brother love

This week is craaaazy with little sleep and lots of appointments.  Plus I'm teaching 3 nights this week, whereas when Pterodactyl arrived, I was off work.  It's not going to get easier, as we have 6 hours of training to complete this month, too.  Couldn't that have been offered in January, guys?  But we're doing okay, and I'm remembering that it's not about us, and not about getting recognition/pity that we're inconvenienced by this or that.

Now, on to a little story about each of my bio sons reacting to Beetle.

Rhinoceros likes to identify lately.  "This is a coffee."  "This is a sun."  Heaven help you if he's wrong, and you wish to correct him.  So, he saw Beetle tucked into my Moby wrap and identified, "This is a baby.  This is Beetle."  Later that evening, I was helping him with his pants and he patted my chest and looked down my shirt.  I reminded him that this area is private, and he finally said, "This is a baby?"  I figured out he thought I was somehow hiding Beetle down my shirt or inside my body.

Dinosaur loves babies, apparently not just Pterodactyl.  He talks about how cute Beetle is and that he loves him.  I had a few minutes before work and told him I had time to read him a book.  He asked, "Can we read the book about Pterodactyl?  I want to show it to Beetle."  It was comforting to me to know that he's processing that the two babies have something in common: they come here, they're cute, and they leave, but we can still remember them.  Maybe he hasn't connected all of that yet, but it seems he's working on it.

Dinosaur has also made a Mii on our Wii for both Beetle and Pterodactyl, joining about 50 others, as creating Miis is his favorite hobby right now.

8th Day - Day before Beetle's arrival

 The title is a little misleading, because Beetle HAS arrived, after a long day of meeting what seemed like half of the hospital staff.  He's cuddled in B's arms as we watch the Olympics.  My head is spinning with the number of appointments and arrangements that are going on.

But instead of blogging about that, I'm going to try to join in something I've seen at Journey to Josie, which is taking the same day every month and photojournaling it a bit.  She does it with the first day of every month, but I usually don't realize it's a new month until it's at least the 5th.  So, I tried documenting Feb. 5th and started to forget.  So, the 8th it is!  Every month I'll try to give you glimpses of our lives.  My photography skills are not great and I try to not to show any faces of our family, so it might be a little strange, but I like the challenge.

 Most days around here involve a dance party.

 

Before or after church, we almost always have a hot breakfast on Sunday.  This 8th day: french toast, ham, pears.

 

I did some last-minute projects that I knew wouldn't get done with a newborn around, like recovering this glider.

 

Off to the NICU to visit Beetle

 

I came home to some serious Olympic viewing.

And later I added some knitting.

 

Introducing Dinosaur

 Since we don't have any foster kids in our home right now, I thought I'd take a little time to write about my biological kids and how they've done with fostering.  I'll start with Dinosaur, our five-year-old.

5 Things about Dinosaur

1. He loves music and dance.  One of his favorite things is to turn on some music and make up his own dance moves.  Many of these are inspired by Dance Dance Revolution, another favorite of his.
2. He loves all things silly.  If you will rough house with Dinosaur, he will be glued to you for the rest of the time you're in his presence.  He is also big into silly rhymes and nonsense lately.  I'm a sucker for his big grin.
3. He knows his dates and times.  At age 2, Dinosaur became obsessed with clocks, finding them wherever we went and making clocks at home.  Before he was 4, he could tell time accurately, and he loves to live by a schedule.  If you need something to happen by 8:15, just tell Dinosaur to remind you when it's 8:15.  He remembers and focuses on dates as well, remembering when we visited family or what day his preschool started in Sept. 2012.  His memories are always expressed in his sweet and peculiar way, reciting how old people were and what day it was.
4. He loves school and reading.  Dinosaur did not look back when he went to preschool or kindergarten.  He likes the activity of it all, and I think he thinks it's all for him.  He has a fantastic kindergarten teacher and has just flourished there, reading far beyond what I expected him to at this age.
5. He is not big on empathy and conscience.  If I'm going to brag on my kid with most of these, I'll throw in a weakness.  I'm pretty sure no punishment or consequence has ever made Dinosaur feel bad for something he did wrong.  He is also pretty unaffected by others feeling bad, and has never been one to try to make people feel better.  Some of this is normal 5-year-old self-centeredness, but I really do think it's part of his personality as well.  I have a double dose of empathy and B has a... meager dose.  It's a good balance, so I hope Dinosaur finds his double-empathy match some day.

Dinosaur and Fostering

Dinosaur welcomed Pterodactyl eagerly and was enamored with her babyness.  He would baby talk to her constantly, sometimes in his own odd way ("It's so dark in your mouth!").  Every time someone came from the agency to our home or we dropped her off for a visit, he would inform all social workers, "She is such a cute baby."  This was a bit of a surprise to me, as when his biological brother was born, he ignored him as much as possible and acted out to get attention.  With Pterodactyl, he adjusted quite easily and happily.  He was a little too happy at times, and getting millimeters from her face and just not leaving her alone. 

Pterodactyl is black/Hispanic and Dinosaur and Rhinoceros are white with white blond hair and blue eyes.  Dinosaur processed a lot about skin color through Pterodactyl being a part of our family.  He attends a school with more than 50% non-white students, and our church is more racially diverse than most, but the immediacy of having her in our home brought up more conversations.  I think this was very positive, and while it wouldn't be a reason alone for us to foster, I'm grateful we had many opportunities to talk about race and people who look different than us.  He hasn't seemed to pick up the lessons we try to teach him about taking care of others and sharing what we have, but I'm hoping they will stick with him over time.

Probably the hardest part of foster care for Dinosaur was the ambiguity.  We tried to prepare him for our first placement, but we couldn't tell him on what day a baby or little boy or girl would come to our house, which doesn't sit well with his calendar obsession.  We tried to prepare him for when she would move, but first we thought that would be in June, then September, then October, then November, and finally in December we had one day's notice.  While I think that made it difficult for him to understand what was going on, he wasn't upset by it. 

Saying goodbye wasn't emotional for him, and he's been hard to read in this transition.  I've had to intentionally ask him how he's doing, or I don't know if he would have talked about her at all.  For the week after she left, he said he was sad a few times, and confused once.  This was all matter-of-fact, no tears, though the one that broke my heart was, "I want to give her a kiss."  He did love kissing her so much and she brought a little extra joy to his life.

He is looking forward to a new little one in the house (and of course wants to know WHEN), though there was still some confusion if this was a baby in my tummy and why we weren't getting a kid his age.  We've had lots of time for me to focus attention on him and his brother, as we had a week in Canada for the holidays, a week home during school break, and now school has been cancelled two days due to weather.  Then today he came down with a fever as well, so maybe I'll have extra time again with him tomorrow.  We may start to drive each other a little batty, but I think there's a reason God is giving me some extra time with my big little guy.