Partnership with other foster parents

In training for foster care, there is a lot of discussion about relationships with birth families.  I'm very glad that this is a part of training and I always bring it up as a topic for more training and discussion.  But I didn't expect to be working together with other foster parents as much as I have.

Some connections come and go.  We've had a few connections with providing or needing respite.  Some have been more lasting, like a group I attend in which foster parents voice opinions and concerns of foster parents within the system.  There are support groups, an informal one I currently attend, an a formal one that was going, has stopped, and I'm helping to get going again.  There are online communities, answering questions and following stories, blogging and reading blogs.

The connections I didn't really expect are the ones that happen when foster parents share a case.  Because we foster one child at a time, many of our cases have involved siblings.  So, we do a lot of planning with other foster families.  We've planned sibling visits, sleepovers, parenting time schedules that work for everyone, and transitions to move a child.  Sometimes it's nice, with someone to chat about the kids with, and it's nice not to be the only foster parent attending court.  The end of visits can be crazy, though, with multiple kids going different directions.  Let's just say the conversation with birth parents I imagined when I went through training doesn't go so well when there are three foster families involved simultaneously picking up kids whose emotions are running high.

But sometimes it gets a little interesting.  What if your hopes and expectations of the case are different than another family?  What if another foster parent complains and expect you to agree, and you don't?  What if one foster family is advocating for biological family, and another foster family is more skeptical?  Ideally, we'd all be on the same page, but we all come from our own perspectives.  Thankfully, in almost every case, I've been confident that we all love the kids and want what's best for them.

Have you shared cases with other families?  How has your experience been?

Maintaining relationships with former foster kids

We went into fostering knowing that we would have goodbyes.  We hoped they would not be forever goodbyes, but we couldn't really know for sure.  I think we knew it wasn't within our control, but some stories made me hopeful.  Before our first placement, I think I pictured that we would have some kids who would reunify, then depending on the relationship with the birth parents, we could possibly stay in their lives.  What I didn't picture is a move to a relative or another foster family, which has been every case we have had.  It's similar that the relationship is not ours to control, but also different.



So, who have we seen?  I saw Pterodactyl once and received pictures of her as a toddler.  We haven't seen Beetle again, though his foster family did send pictures once.  We have seen Caterpillar, but not in a planned sort of way.  I've posted some about how I've gotten to see Cricket for play dates after she moved from our home.  And though he was just here for respite, we've seen Tadpole, and I recently went to his adoption celebration.  Looking at this list, we have had contact after kids moved, and I am grateful, sometimes for our sake and sometimes for theirs.  However, it has not been simple and easy.


Sometimes new homes make promises that they don't keep.  This has been especially hard on me.  I really thought we were going to be a regular part of some of the kids' lives based on what new caregivers were telling me.  I have had to work on forgiveness.  I have had to put myself in their shoes, knowing they have a lot of their plate and are just busy.  I'm not a fan of the phone, so I sometimes let slip those phone calls I know I should make.  I'm not perfect either.  Or maybe there's just something I don't understand that's a factor.  I need to let those promises go, forgive and forget them.


Sometimes new homes do not even try for contact.  I don't know if it's because they're busy.  I don't know if it's because they have judged us in some way.  I have to forgive and let this go.


Sometimes new homes do try, and it's still a bit messy.  Every boundary has to be drawn differently for a former and new family of a child.  I read stories in blogs of families taking kids for weekends, picking them up to give the new family a break, all celebrating together.  This also set up high expectations in my mind, but in reality, the new family may decide that's not good for the child.  Or even the therapist may get involved and suggest boundaries.  I hoped we could have Cricket back at our house at some point, or take her for outings, but Gina and Cricket's therapists have been very cautious, as she is having a hard time understanding permanency and trust in Gina as a permanent caregiver.  Thankfully, they also recognize that a continued relationship with us is still a good thing, but it has been different than I imagined. 


It's hard to accept after all I've poured into a child that my eagerness to love and care for her could have a negative impact.  I want to get defensive.  I want to feel hurt.  But I am grateful that we are still connected, that I get the chance to tell Cricket how special she is, how happy I am to see her.  That Rhinoceros and Cricket can play together, with Cricket cheerfully barking orders at him, and Rhinoceros just thrilled to have his buddy.


I wonder if some of this is preparation.  Maybe we will be the new home drawing boundaries someday, and I can tell the foster parents this: "I know how you feel.  I know how wrong it feels to see someone else taking care of the child you have loved and poured into.  I know how wrong it feels not to be the one who gets to say what the child needs, when you've met her needs minute by minute.  We all love this child, and we should be gracious to each other, but mostly we need to just keep loving this child, even if loving this child looks different than it did before.  And thank you for loving him."

Goodbye again

Yep, Gina's license was approved!  I couldn't completely believe the e-mail after all these months of checking, so I just had to check the state website where I can dig around and find all licensed family.  Yep, it was true.  We got the news after bedtimes, so we told the kids the morning she was leaving.  The reactions of Cricket and Rhinoceros were simultaneous: one of joy, one of sorrow.  Poor Rhinoceros.  He's going to need some cheering up this week having lost his best friend a second time.  But, as one of my friends gave me perspective, some amount of loss is normal and not unhealthy for kids.  They move, they change daycares, they move nursery rooms, friends move.  His will be a bit more intense, but we'll get through this.  I'm looking to spoil him a bit this week, though.  He got a Build-a-Bear gift certificate from a drawing, so we'll be making our first ever trip there.


Cricket was thrilled, but still asked when I was going to pick her up from Granny's house, and I had to remind her that if I did come to pick her up, it would be just to play together, then she would go right back to Granny's house.  It'll take time to sink in.  Gina suggested we have her stay over here on a weekend at some point, but the therapist had cautioned against that as it would confuse her on where her home was.  We'll let her settle in again and figure it out later.


And as for me?  It was simply cathartic to finally see that license happen.  And even better, Gina hadn't gotten the news yet when I called her to plan the move, and so I told her.  Her response was so full of joy and relief that it just washed away any doubt that this was not a good move.  These weren't doubts from anything Gina had done or anything, but from Caterpillar's relative backing out after his move.  She is fostering Cricket because she loves her granddaughter and wants her granddaughter to benefit from having her sister with her, but it's clear she also truly loves Cricket as well.  So, I'm feeling mostly positive emotions right now, besides concern for how the boys are doing.  And I'm grateful.  I'm grateful we got to love her and know her, I'm grateful she has other people who love her, and I'm grateful we learned so much in the process.

Packing up

It was a tense week.  Cricket's recovery from surgery was not a fun experience for anyone, though it didn't have any complications or anything.  On top of that, the delay in sister's grandma's licensing went from a bit worrisome to a big concern.  What would we do if the license came through while we were gone?  How awful would it be for Cricket's trust in us if we said she was going for a visit then stayed there, even if it's a place she wants to be so she can be with her sister?  I felt like I was concerned, B was concerned, her therapist was concerned, but her caseworker and GAL were not as responsive.


It took a bit more prodding, but I did get a firm date of when her license was sent to the state and that it really should come through this week, maybe the first week of April at the latest.  So, with the caseworker we decided that when she went to sister's grandma's house Thursday, it would be a move, not respite.  There is still a part of me that does not like telling her she's moving when the license isn't 100% there, but it is probably the best decision we can make here.


So, after this transition coming up but being on hold for so long, I suddenly have less than a week to get everything ready.  I just finished her photo book besides two pictures I want to take and add tomorrow, but I've barely started packing.  She has so many toys and books and little things scattered around the house, all needing organized before going to someone else.  On top of that, we have packing for a weeklong spring break camping trip, which we have not started.  Yikes.  At least I think it'll keep me too busy to dwell too much on the goodbye.


Okay, who am I kidding, I'm still going to dwell as I'm packing.  Note to self: pray instead of dwelling.

When she leaves

It's starting to sink in that Cricket is leaving soon, in a month or so (barring any licensing catastrophe for Gina, but it is looking pretty certain).  We had a sibling visit today before Cricket's sister came to spend the night, and the foster mom of the baby brother is really going to have a hard time letting him go.  Oh honey, I have been there with the babies.  I know how that feels.  But with Cricket, it will be a different transition, deep and difficult in its own way for our family.

I hadn't let it sink in too much that she's leaving because in our tough moments (and there are many of them), I felt guilty that I was clinging to an escape.  I felt guilty for looking forward to an end.  But I know this is only human of me, nothing a normal mother wouldn't feel like when they're up with a newborn: looking forward to an end.

I will miss her probably more than I realize.  I will wish I would have soaked up more of her shining personality, her quick little mind and bold spirit.  I tire of being needed so intensely, but I know my heart has been knit with hers, and it will feel wrong to be apart after months of "can you pick me up" "can you hold me like a baby" and "can you sit in my lap."  Lately she says "I love Mommy and Daddy" to us often and spontaneously.  I will miss how she loves us, even if I wish she would have never needed to live her and love us.

Cricket will go to live with her siblings and have those relationships restored.  She will experience loss by losing our family, and I think it will be especially difficult losing me as the mother figure, but she will also heal in other ways.

But oh, Rhinoceros. I need to start praying more about this transition for him.  He's had a living shadow for the past four months.  There are times they are enemies, times he cried to me, "Why does Cricket bite me?"  And there are times that they have their secret world, their wonderful shared joy of being crazy little people together.  Sometimes they act like one child, and sometimes they absolutely must oppose one another.  Either way, he is really going to feel it when she is suddenly gone.  Who will run to the basement with him and talk about "the darkness," or put on a show with him that no one else understands?  Who will shout that the music is too quiet when he says it's too loud?  He just doesn't have that with Dinosaur.  They have a different kind of sibling relationship.  Cricket may have put him through much more than I imagined, but she has also brought out his social side, his imaginative side, and his assertive side.  Gina brought up today that she'd be happy to keep in touch so that the foster families could still see the kids, and I really hope that can happen this time, for Rhinoceros especially.

He will have loved and lost, without having chosen to love.  I still believe fostering has more benefits than losses for our biological kids, but man, it can be a tough gig for them.

Weekend apart

We had a trip out of the country and worked on bringing Cricket as a Plan A.  As we started getting closer to the trip without Plan A being solid, we worked on Plan B.  Plan B worked out to be Cricket staying with her sister's grandmother Gina.*  Cricket's sister lives with Gina, and Gina is becoming licensed so that she can take all three siblings, though only one is biologically related to her.  It became clear that Plan B was better than Plan A anyway, so we went with that.


So, we headed off for time with my in-laws with waterparks, birthday celebrations, and long drives.  Cricket enjoyed a few days in her future home, spending time with her sister, a person extremely important to her.  Our time was one of our busiest trips, just not much down time planned.  Between the frantic pace, long car trips, and extended time in noisy environments, Plan A with Cricket would have been a nightmare.  Even I was crabby and overwhelmed by 3 pm of the second waterpark/hotel day.  I would have had to retreat with her often and just do our own thing, which I would have done, but I'm glad we avoided it overall.  With two kids and two parents, we were able to give Dinosaur and Rhinoceros lots of one-on-one time.  Those two.  Dinosaur fears no waterslide.  He spent the first day just getting in line time after time, riding every single one multiple times.  Rhinoceros clung to me some at first, but found a red water cannon (because anything not the color red is dead to him) and warmed up to the wave pool.


I had B pick up Cricket as she tends to react more emotionally when I am there, but that does mean he wasn't as inquisitive as I would have been, so I'm not sure what all she did.  When I called, Gina said she was sleeping well there and they were having a ton of fun.  Cricket arrived happy and bubbly for about half an hour, then fell apart and cried until bedtime.  This morning, more wailing, more aggression, but once we left the house, she seemed to click back into routine.


Court was today and the caseworker said the move to Gina would be in 30-45 days.  I hope that is the case without much delay, because Cricket really needs to be there soon.  I know it won't be easy, I know Rhinoceros will lose his favorite playmate (even if she is also his worst enemy), and I know Cricket will not understand where we've gone from her life and will be affected by that loss.  But she really needs to be with her sister, and I hope being with her will help her heal.  We're having her sister over here this weekend to give them a bit more time together and to thank Gina for being so flexible with providing respite.  It's our first time having an elementary-school-aged foster child in the home.  She's the same age as Dinosaur, so I'm already prepping him that she's coming to visit Cricket, and we should all give them space to just enjoy being together.  We'll see how it goes!


*not her real name, but I can only type sister's grandmother so many times.

Holidays so far

We've got two weeks until Christmas and my first holiday season with a foster child aware of holidays is underway.


Thanksgiving was very smooth.  The holiday itself was a blast and Cricket was surprisingly comfortable at my parents' house.  The car trip there and back had some miserable bumps, but I think that has more to do with car trips and not holidays.

We did a Christmas photo shoot at a department store and it went surprisingly well.  The photographer was kind of weird and baby-talked to Cricket, but she ate it up for some reason.

Christmas brought excitement.  Cricket loves the lights, and she and Rhinoceros have been pointing out wreaths, garlands, and lights by yelling, "Look, it's Christmas!!" for a few weeks.  But now I think it's starting to build up and possible trigger bad memories.  The past week we've had some behavior that I thought had been settling down, and I think the holiday excitement might be part of it.  She's sometimes afraid of the lights, sometimes not.  In general there's a bit more fear expressed lately.  Plus she's met a lot of new people lately: my parents, grandparents, and sister's family over Thanksgiving, then B's parents the next weekend as they came to visit and open a few presents with us. 

Also, I know most kids have post-visit negative behaviors, but I think Cricket has no-visit negative behaviors, and she has had few visits lately.  She misses her mom and sister so much and keeps asking to see them.  I hope someone makes a visit before the holidays.  She will get to see her sister before Christmas, as her sister's relative placement (a paternal relative not related to Cricket) is doing respite for us as we go to a wedding.  That relative is working on getting licensed so she can have all three siblings. That is not a done deal and may take a long time, but it is in the works.

We won't be traveling for the holidays, but some of my family is coming here.  We'll have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with just our immediate family, so I think that will help give us time to take the holiday slow.

Finally, we took out the ornaments for the three foster babies we said goodbye to in the past year.  It's bittersweet.  I hope they still have theirs with them.  I am sure where one is living, but unsure about the other two.  I can't believe they're all at least 11 months old, tearing away at wrapping paper this year.

I'll just wrap this up with what I have the kids say every morning with our advent activity calendar: "Hallelujah!  Christ is coming!"

Lesson Learned: Move Details

I carefully planned Caterpillar's move to his relative today by getting Rhinoceros down for an early nap.  I'd prepped them that we were going to Ms. Teri's* house to say goodbye to Caterpillar.  Then about 30 minutes before "move time" B asked when he was being picked up, and I thought, hm, picked up?  Is that a possibility instead of me bringing him there?

I called Ms. Teri and yep, that's what was happening.  I'd just assumed I was bringing him there as that's how Pterodactyl's move happened (sort of, we met at the agency parking lot after hours).  Beetle's move was meeting at a doctor's appointment.  But it was good I called, because she had some questions for me that she might not have called just to ask.  So, in the future, I'll ask how the move is planned to go, and then I can give my input (I would have preferred to bring him there).

And how did it go?  As numb and strange as usual.  I soothed Rhinoceros's disappointment (he's obsessed with going to Ms. Teri's house though he's never been inside it) with a trip for ice cream, just two kids in the minivan.  Goodbye, Caterpillar.

*not her real name

Quiet week

It's so strange not to be bringing Caterpillar to visits while his mom is in jail, to have three visits per week wiped off the calendar.  We even canceled his first overnight visit at the relative's home because he had a fever yesterday morning.

We still have a home visit tomorrow, and I have work, Dinosaur has baseball, B has softball, so it's not overall quiet.  But it's foster care quiet.

Still no daycare set up.  It's Pterodactyl all over again.  I am having the relative schedule doctors' appointments for August by her schedule, so hopefully that means it'll happen by then?

It's not that I want to say goodbye.  It's the opposite.  I've accepted he's moving, that I won't get to see him crawl, babble, walk, etc.  That I won't see the end of the case, however it goes.  Now I just want it to happen on my timeline because that makes it easier for me to handle.  Less out of my control.

Breathe.  Give up my timeline.  I think I don't have one, and then it sneaks in.  Give up my illusion of control.  Enjoy sweet Caterpillar while he's here.  Know he's doing well with the transition so far.  Breathe.

Disappointment and waiting

Caterpillar's mom is in jail.  I'm heartbroken and just so disappointed.  I know she had a long road ahead, but I really hoped she wouldn't mistakes like this along the way.  It feels strange not getting her texts via Google Voice, not hearing her stream of consciousness when I bring him to visits.  I knew I would lose our connection when Caterpillar moved, but I didn't expect it quite yet.

The relative who will be placed with Caterpillar is cleared, but she still needs to get daycare in place.  Sound familiar?  I'm putting some pressure on the caseworker to keep some sort of timeline and intentionality in this transition, after the drawn-out haphazard transition Pterodactyl had.  So far, he's has two visits at her home and done well, though he is a little clingier with me this week.  I had professional photos done of him (a bit challenging with a baby that's not a newborn but can't quite sit up independently yet), and he was constantly looking for where I was.  He's giving increasingly hesitant looks when someone other than me holds him.

He's been here less than three months, but I have a feeling this goodbye is going to rip my heart out nonetheless.  He is so easy to love.  I love this little guy, and I love him loving me.

Caves and stepping stones

We just got back from a reunion/campout with my family.  Caterpillar got to come along, and he is seriously the happiest camping baby of all.  He had maybe two really sad moments the whole four days.  If I forget about all the work of packing and unpacking for camping, and the long drive there and back, it was a blissful time.

We went on a hike that led to a cave.  I've never gone through a cave without a guide on an official tour, and this one just had a sign that you could go through if you wanted to.  I thought B had gone through the day before (later I found out they went in a ways then turned back), so I went ahead with my sister and Dinosaur, others following behind us.  It was narrow and cramped.  We had one flashlight, but it wasn't enough.  It went on much longer than I anticipated.  I may have said, "I think I'm freaking out a bit" to my sister in front of the kids.  I just had no idea how much further it would be and couldn't deal with that thought, so I turned around, scrunching ourselves past the line of people who had gone in the cave after us.  I breathed a deep breath of relief as I stepped into the light, right back where we started.

On the way to the cave, we crossed two streams several times, picking out stepping stones.  Some teetered, some were secure, and sometimes it was just best to step in the shallow water instead.  I managed across without sending myself and Caterpillar (tied to me in a carrier) into the shallow stream.  The first day Dinosaur did the hike, he boldly stepped from stone to stone.  The second day, he was with my parents, who said something that made him sense a little more potential for failure.  He asked to be carried, and did cross on his own with some convincing, but his steps were a little less sure.  B or another relative carried Rhinoceros across.


We haven't seen the beginning, middle, and end of any story of our foster children.  I've learned the beginning isn't removal of the child, and we jump in halfway through the book.  Each of our foster children have older siblings.  Even if they didn't, there are reasons from the past that brought the birth parents to the place of losing their children to foster care.

We haven't reached any endings, either.  When we considered foster care and went through training, we mentally prepared ourselves for two outcomes: reunification with birth parent(s) or adoption (by us or others).  What I didn't expect is the end of our three placements so far: neither.  Each foster child has gone on or will go on to another home while still in foster care: Pterodactyl to her grandma, Beetle to a foster family with his sister, Caterpillar soon to his mom's cousin.  Part of me wants to be a little insulted that we are babysitters in the meantime while they wait on an ideal placement.  Another part of me knows that this is what obedience is: being available to meet the need even when it doesn't fit our expectations or what we would find most fulfilling personally.

I've been thinking for awhile about how our role has been like a stepping stone, just a sure place for a foot to rest for a moment.  Then I found myself stepping across stones and being thankful that with God's help, we've been able to be a secure stone for these kids.  I wish they could just be carried over the river, but instead we are the safest place for them they can be for the short time they're here.  That's our role in the big picture so far.

But I also think of the cave.  No idea when it will end.  Having to trust that if there's a sign that says you can go through it, you can without terrible danger.  Moments of panic.  Moments of "I can't take it anymore."  Our journey has not gotten to an agonizing point, but I think of so many foster care stories I've read, foster parent friends' experiences, and I know it's probably on its way.  Heart-sinking, when-will-it-end moments.  Will we have what it takes when we are truly tested?  Will I take that deep breath of relief on the other side of the cave, or after I've retreated in fear?