I sing a little song around the house with the names of the kids. I admit I bring it out often when I'm about to lose it and I need something to get me back to being kind and positive. We have a few versions:
"I love Dinosaur, I love Rhinoceros, I love Crocodile, I love Daddy B."
"I love Dinosaur, I love Rhinoceros, I love Crocodile, I love Pterodactyl-and-Beetle-and-Caterpillar-and-Cricket-and-Tadpole."
"I love Crocodile, I love his mama, I love his Benny*, I love his sisters."
Lately he's started to request particular versions. You would think it would always be the mama-Benny-sisters version, but sometimes he requests the one that names foster kids he never met. Every time he asks, the look he gives me just melts me. He know they're our "special people" songs.
Whenever my heart aches with emotion when he brings up his mama, his Benny, or his sisters, I sometimes search for words, but at some point I came up with a go-to response that helps me respond right away and helps comfort right away. "Your _____ is/are so special to you." Then of course he starts to echo it, and daily he's talking about how each one is so special.
Crocodile was playing with three cars on a track. "That one has my mama and my Benny and my sisters. That one has Mommy C and Daddy B. That one is just me by myself."
Your family may change, little one, and special people may say goodbye, but you won't be just you by yourself. I won't let that happen.
*His mom's boyfriend, not his real name
Showing posts with label birth parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth parents. Show all posts
Monday, November 21, 2016
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Mother's Day
I think I have a lot of writing to get out, but I haven't been able to do it yet. At first I felt catharsis after Cricket left, then I felt irritable and just not myself. I had a great Mother's Day and feel pretty happy, but there's still some weird numbness about it all. Kids leaving your home when they've been so central to your life, to your heart. It's just weird.
I sent a text to Gina* today. I imagined being in her shoes on Mother's Day. I don't know her relationships with her children and if they are positive, but I know she is doing more mothering than grandmothering than she expected. I'm sure she didn't plan on a 3-year-old living with her, but she has embraced Cricket and loved her. So, I just sent her a note saying I want to acknowledge all she does for Cricket and her sister and to wish her a happy Mother's Day.
I sent my own mom a little package, made a Facebook post, Skyped. Mostly I was thinking of her sacrifices she made when we were young kids, especially as my dad worked long hours, and her tender heart that I've inherited. She's taught me that when you have a heart for hurting people, you act on it even though it may cause you pain, and I'm very grateful for that.
There are some mothers I won't speak to today, but I'm thinking of them. Here are some of my thoughts and prayers:
For a mother who knows she will never parent some of her children, who is still fighting for one, who went to rehab. I pray that she can overcome addiction, and also that her children will know they are loved and valuable no matter how successful she is in her fight against addiction.
For a mother who knows she will never parent some of her children, who seems to have given up. I pray she knows that God never ever gives up on her.
For a mother who came to the United States for a better future for her children, and then had to pick up the pieces as her daughter lost her children.
For a mother who made little mistake after little mistake that added up to disaster. I pray that she knows she is not stupid. She is a child of God, wonderfully created.
For a mother who faced a childhood of abandonment and neglect herself before becoming a mother. I pray that she accepts the help that she needs and claims her identity in Christ, that the foundation of belief in God that she has expressed will overwhelm her life and help her overcome her obstacles.
Motherhood can be beautiful, but it can also be broken and tragic. I pray for redemption, for this imperfect mother and all the others.
*sister's grandma, forgot I started using this name until I started looking back at old posts
I sent a text to Gina* today. I imagined being in her shoes on Mother's Day. I don't know her relationships with her children and if they are positive, but I know she is doing more mothering than grandmothering than she expected. I'm sure she didn't plan on a 3-year-old living with her, but she has embraced Cricket and loved her. So, I just sent her a note saying I want to acknowledge all she does for Cricket and her sister and to wish her a happy Mother's Day.
I sent my own mom a little package, made a Facebook post, Skyped. Mostly I was thinking of her sacrifices she made when we were young kids, especially as my dad worked long hours, and her tender heart that I've inherited. She's taught me that when you have a heart for hurting people, you act on it even though it may cause you pain, and I'm very grateful for that.
There are some mothers I won't speak to today, but I'm thinking of them. Here are some of my thoughts and prayers:
For a mother who knows she will never parent some of her children, who is still fighting for one, who went to rehab. I pray that she can overcome addiction, and also that her children will know they are loved and valuable no matter how successful she is in her fight against addiction.
For a mother who knows she will never parent some of her children, who seems to have given up. I pray she knows that God never ever gives up on her.
For a mother who came to the United States for a better future for her children, and then had to pick up the pieces as her daughter lost her children.
For a mother who made little mistake after little mistake that added up to disaster. I pray that she knows she is not stupid. She is a child of God, wonderfully created.
For a mother who faced a childhood of abandonment and neglect herself before becoming a mother. I pray that she accepts the help that she needs and claims her identity in Christ, that the foundation of belief in God that she has expressed will overwhelm her life and help her overcome her obstacles.
Motherhood can be beautiful, but it can also be broken and tragic. I pray for redemption, for this imperfect mother and all the others.
*sister's grandma, forgot I started using this name until I started looking back at old posts
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Hospitals and foster parenting
Cricket had a minor surgery last week. She's my first kid that I've experienced surgery with. Heck, I've never even had surgery myself! Having wisdom teeth out doesn't count, right? My only overnight hospital stay was after Dinosaur was born.
Her mom had talked for months about being there for the surgery. She signed the papers, had the info, but wasn't there.
There was something intimate about being there with her for the surgery. Meeting the tons of people coming through her room. Saying goodbye before I went to wait in the family waiting room. Meeting her again in recovery, watching her sleepy eyes open to me, close again, then open a couple hours later. B stayed with her overnight, then I came back to bring her home the next morning. I made up a chart for her medications. I have tended to her slow (but normal) recovery.
Sometimes fulfilling the parental role seems natural, like I'm just doing my parenting thing and she happens to be a foster kid. Sometimes for me it has this other factor, like it brings us together in a unique relationship different from any I've had with another child, through a new and different experience. This other factor sends my heart running full-force to love and nurture and comfort and feel needed by doing so. At the same time, I feel an alarm going off. This isn't supposed to be me here. It's supposed to be her mom. It almost feels like I'm stealing my nurturing role, even though I'm not.
It's how I felt leaving the hospital with Pterodactyl in my arms.
It's how I felt rocking Beetle in his room in the NICU.
Maybe it's hospitals, those places that the closest to you are supposed to be by your side in your vulnerable state. They're a place I see at once how much I'm needed as a foster parent, and at the same time how much I wish I didn't have to be, that their families by birth could be providing this comfort, presence, and care.
Her mom had talked for months about being there for the surgery. She signed the papers, had the info, but wasn't there.
There was something intimate about being there with her for the surgery. Meeting the tons of people coming through her room. Saying goodbye before I went to wait in the family waiting room. Meeting her again in recovery, watching her sleepy eyes open to me, close again, then open a couple hours later. B stayed with her overnight, then I came back to bring her home the next morning. I made up a chart for her medications. I have tended to her slow (but normal) recovery.
Sometimes fulfilling the parental role seems natural, like I'm just doing my parenting thing and she happens to be a foster kid. Sometimes for me it has this other factor, like it brings us together in a unique relationship different from any I've had with another child, through a new and different experience. This other factor sends my heart running full-force to love and nurture and comfort and feel needed by doing so. At the same time, I feel an alarm going off. This isn't supposed to be me here. It's supposed to be her mom. It almost feels like I'm stealing my nurturing role, even though I'm not.
It's how I felt leaving the hospital with Pterodactyl in my arms.
It's how I felt rocking Beetle in his room in the NICU.
Maybe it's hospitals, those places that the closest to you are supposed to be by your side in your vulnerable state. They're a place I see at once how much I'm needed as a foster parent, and at the same time how much I wish I didn't have to be, that their families by birth could be providing this comfort, presence, and care.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Birthday time
Cricket's birthday is coming up. Thanks to my loyal readers that responded in the comments! I'll just assume everyone else that reads is not licensed yet and is just soaking up my vast wisdom, and not internet robots. ;)
I learned at the last sibling visit that Cricket's sister's birthday is also this month. Gina planned to invite us to a birthday party, but as we were also going to do something for Cricket, we decided to combine. We're going to a place they can swim then have cake in a rented room afterward. Because it's a public place, I was thinking a little bit about inviting Cricket's mom and having a caseworker or case aide attend, as her visits need to be supervised. Cricket's mom has been appropriate with us and with Cricket, and I don't worry about safety issues. But unfortunately she hasn't acted appropriately with employees of our agency in front of the kids, and since an employee of the agency would have to be there... it seemed a bit too volatile for a birthday party.
Her mom asked again for our Google Voice number and called this weekend, talked with me a little before she talked to Cricket. She wanted to know what we were doing for Cricket's birthday. I was worried she would ask if she could be there or hint toward that, but she didn't. And tearfully, she asked if we would give her pictures. Of course. I asked if there was anything I could do for the visit closest to Cricket's birthday, like bring cookies for them to decorate together. She said she'd like that.
At times, I become frustrated and outraged at Cricket's mom's choices. But when her voice breaks asking about birthday details, asking for pictures, thanking us so much for pictures... my heart breaks for her. This month will be hard for her, two of her babies having birthdays. I can't imagine.
So, we will have a blast swimming and eating Hello Kitty cake, announcing new ages loudly and proudly. But it will be bittersweet printing the pictures for the woman who wasn't there.
I learned at the last sibling visit that Cricket's sister's birthday is also this month. Gina planned to invite us to a birthday party, but as we were also going to do something for Cricket, we decided to combine. We're going to a place they can swim then have cake in a rented room afterward. Because it's a public place, I was thinking a little bit about inviting Cricket's mom and having a caseworker or case aide attend, as her visits need to be supervised. Cricket's mom has been appropriate with us and with Cricket, and I don't worry about safety issues. But unfortunately she hasn't acted appropriately with employees of our agency in front of the kids, and since an employee of the agency would have to be there... it seemed a bit too volatile for a birthday party.
Her mom asked again for our Google Voice number and called this weekend, talked with me a little before she talked to Cricket. She wanted to know what we were doing for Cricket's birthday. I was worried she would ask if she could be there or hint toward that, but she didn't. And tearfully, she asked if we would give her pictures. Of course. I asked if there was anything I could do for the visit closest to Cricket's birthday, like bring cookies for them to decorate together. She said she'd like that.
At times, I become frustrated and outraged at Cricket's mom's choices. But when her voice breaks asking about birthday details, asking for pictures, thanking us so much for pictures... my heart breaks for her. This month will be hard for her, two of her babies having birthdays. I can't imagine.
So, we will have a blast swimming and eating Hello Kitty cake, announcing new ages loudly and proudly. But it will be bittersweet printing the pictures for the woman who wasn't there.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Visit house
I mentioned awhile back (though I can't find the post at the moment) that our agency was moving from visits supervised at the agency office to visits at a house set up for that purpose. It took awhile, but visits have started at the new visit house.
The downsides to visits at the agency were plentiful. It is not a large office. If a child is screaming in a visit room, the entire office hears it. There were white noise machines set up, but it really couldn't help things. Plus there was the chaos of a very small waiting area and people trying to do work just a few feet away in their cubicles. The visit rooms at the agency, though well-equipped with toys, are very small. I wouldn't want to spend an hour or more with my kids in one of those rooms, let alone with a child that is confused or upset the whole time.
So, now the agency has a house for most visits. It has three rooms with toys that can be used for different visits, plus a kitchen if families want to use it. It still needs a bit of work, but I think it's a great direction to be moving in.
Unfortunately, there are some downsides. One is that it's way across town when the agency was less than 10 minutes away. Right now our visit schedule is awful, with no ability to hang out on that side of town for an hour and a half because I need to pick up Dinosaur from school (in our neighborhood) in the middle of the visit. So we are doing lots of driving and trying to figure out if we can get some transportation support to cut down on the madness. I do think we were a bit spoiled over the last year with being able to zip over the agency in a few minutes and hang around at kid-friendly places with Rhinoceros and/or Dinosaur nearby, so I should accept that visits are just going to interrupt life horribly sometimes.
The other downside is that Cricket interprets the house to be somebody's house. So far, I think she's just said it's her mom's house. So, she is awfully confused when she has a visit with her dad, or when her mom didn't show up. Plus, now she is asking to just go to her mom's house, because she has a concrete idea of where her mom is and wants to go there, even if we explain that she doesn't live there.
I think with time it may get easier, but man, foster care is full of surprises!
The downsides to visits at the agency were plentiful. It is not a large office. If a child is screaming in a visit room, the entire office hears it. There were white noise machines set up, but it really couldn't help things. Plus there was the chaos of a very small waiting area and people trying to do work just a few feet away in their cubicles. The visit rooms at the agency, though well-equipped with toys, are very small. I wouldn't want to spend an hour or more with my kids in one of those rooms, let alone with a child that is confused or upset the whole time.
So, now the agency has a house for most visits. It has three rooms with toys that can be used for different visits, plus a kitchen if families want to use it. It still needs a bit of work, but I think it's a great direction to be moving in.
Unfortunately, there are some downsides. One is that it's way across town when the agency was less than 10 minutes away. Right now our visit schedule is awful, with no ability to hang out on that side of town for an hour and a half because I need to pick up Dinosaur from school (in our neighborhood) in the middle of the visit. So we are doing lots of driving and trying to figure out if we can get some transportation support to cut down on the madness. I do think we were a bit spoiled over the last year with being able to zip over the agency in a few minutes and hang around at kid-friendly places with Rhinoceros and/or Dinosaur nearby, so I should accept that visits are just going to interrupt life horribly sometimes.
The other downside is that Cricket interprets the house to be somebody's house. So far, I think she's just said it's her mom's house. So, she is awfully confused when she has a visit with her dad, or when her mom didn't show up. Plus, now she is asking to just go to her mom's house, because she has a concrete idea of where her mom is and wants to go there, even if we explain that she doesn't live there.
I think with time it may get easier, but man, foster care is full of surprises!
Friday, October 24, 2014
My first time in court
You may wonder how with four placements and almost a year and a half of fostering, I had yet to go court as a foster parent. Well, two of our placements were so brief that either we didn't get to any court dates we felt we should attend. With Pterodactyl, B did go to court, but I stayed home and just heard secondhand.
But with B having a new job and wanting to avoid time off for a little while, and with the complexity of Cricket's case, I wanted to go this time. Even though it was likely nothing big would happen, as the court date crept closer, I thought about it a lot. I was a bundle of nerves. How can I attend court and it not be extremely awkward with the bio parents? Doesn't it make it look like we're against them, or clucking our tongues at their mistakes? When I got there, CPS people were in the hallway chatting and gossiping. Can I just go in that official-looking courtroom? Are they waiting for a reason? Finally I asked and was assured I could just go in, where I found just Cricket's mom waiting by herself at that moment.
Thankfully, small talk with Cricket's mom was positive, and it reassured me that we have a pretty good relationship so far. Small talk with her dad was more limited for time, and I'm less sure of where we stand, but I hope I came off as friendly and non-threatening.
It was an intense experience for me emotionally, just because I can't help but imagine myself in the shoes of everyone there and what they're going through. I felt drained and shaky afterward, and I didn't have to do anything, and nothing significant changed for us! I am glad I went, though I might send B the next time, or try to go together.
So, we keep on keeping on. There's nothing in the works for Cricket to move anywhere, but as I know, that could always change, even before the next court date. I continue to pray for a miracle for Cricket and her sister to be together, especially after hearing how her sister is struggling and how she connects it back to missing Cricket. We will see.
But with B having a new job and wanting to avoid time off for a little while, and with the complexity of Cricket's case, I wanted to go this time. Even though it was likely nothing big would happen, as the court date crept closer, I thought about it a lot. I was a bundle of nerves. How can I attend court and it not be extremely awkward with the bio parents? Doesn't it make it look like we're against them, or clucking our tongues at their mistakes? When I got there, CPS people were in the hallway chatting and gossiping. Can I just go in that official-looking courtroom? Are they waiting for a reason? Finally I asked and was assured I could just go in, where I found just Cricket's mom waiting by herself at that moment.
Thankfully, small talk with Cricket's mom was positive, and it reassured me that we have a pretty good relationship so far. Small talk with her dad was more limited for time, and I'm less sure of where we stand, but I hope I came off as friendly and non-threatening.
It was an intense experience for me emotionally, just because I can't help but imagine myself in the shoes of everyone there and what they're going through. I felt drained and shaky afterward, and I didn't have to do anything, and nothing significant changed for us! I am glad I went, though I might send B the next time, or try to go together.
So, we keep on keeping on. There's nothing in the works for Cricket to move anywhere, but as I know, that could always change, even before the next court date. I continue to pray for a miracle for Cricket and her sister to be together, especially after hearing how her sister is struggling and how she connects it back to missing Cricket. We will see.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Weekly notes
Life is still exhausting around here, but I feel like we're in a calmer stretch. I filled in the caseworker on Cricket's behaviors, and she put in a referral to a program that will get an infant/child mental health evaluation for Cricket, leading to services as needed. Right when I documented one of the tough days, she hasn't had a day quite as tough since. There are still major issues, but the times when Cricket is just lost in a ball of fear and anger are not quite as frequent or prolonged.
In the meantime, I wondered how I should do notes to the birth parents now that both birth parents were involved and having separate visits. I didn't want to write two sets of notes by hand or do two notebooks, so instead I decided to type up weekly notes and include a picture from that week. (I admit I got this idea from a Facebook comment and now can't find the source. So if this was your idea, please tell me and I will credit you.) I really like the picture for two reasons: it forces me to make sure I'm taking a at least a good picture every week (sometimes I go crazy with pictures then suddenly realize I haven't taken one for a couple weeks) and then I feel good about printing pictures a little less frequently, since they see one regularly.
I took the notes sections from a handout from my agency:
I just hope this week there's a visit that I can give the notes. Lots of cancellations lately. There is also court on Friday, and the Cricket's future could use your prayers.
In the meantime, I wondered how I should do notes to the birth parents now that both birth parents were involved and having separate visits. I didn't want to write two sets of notes by hand or do two notebooks, so instead I decided to type up weekly notes and include a picture from that week. (I admit I got this idea from a Facebook comment and now can't find the source. So if this was your idea, please tell me and I will credit you.) I really like the picture for two reasons: it forces me to make sure I'm taking a at least a good picture every week (sometimes I go crazy with pictures then suddenly realize I haven't taken one for a couple weeks) and then I feel good about printing pictures a little less frequently, since they see one regularly.
I took the notes sections from a handout from my agency:
- This week, our family...
- This week, your daughter...
- Next week, we are looking forward to...
- Other things we would like to know are...
- Your notes and questions
I just hope this week there's a visit that I can give the notes. Lots of cancellations lately. There is also court on Friday, and the Cricket's future could use your prayers.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Sisters and Dads
In the early days, I thought that Cricket was really attached to her baby brother, as she had a very big sister vibe to her. But with time, I've learned it's her big sister she really longs for. To make things more difficult, our state requires (unless a judge orders otherwise) three visits per week for Cricket's age group, but only one visit per week for her sister's. So, she is hopeful every time we go to a visit that she will see her sister, and every time she doesn't get to, she is disappointed and talks about wanting to see her before and after the visit.
Cricket is not really drawn to Dinosaur, who is near her sister's age, but whenever she's around a girl her sister's age, she lights up and follows her around eagerly. This is magnified when she sees a girl with her skin tone and similar hair. We have a few books with a girl that fits this description, and she always points her out as her sister. Though the funny part is that in one book she points out herself to be a toddler boy with pale skin, pretty much her complete opposite. It must be his size or that he has a big toddler grin like she gets.
This morning at church, it was my turn to help in the nursery, so I helped in her classroom. Then I decided staying the second service would be too much for us, but we could stay for a couple songs and see if she enjoyed it as she likes music so much, and our church is fairly lively. Before we went into the service, she spotted a girl that fit sister's type and went up to her eagerly. Thankfully the little girl thought Cricket was adorable and they chatted. Cricket kept telling me this was her sister, yet I knew she knew it wasn't true.
Then we went into the service, which she wasn't as into as I thought she might be, so we didn't stay long. But before we left, during a quiet moment she saw a family come in and, sure enough, another "sister" was spotted. "I see her!!" she shouted. I did manage to keep her from running over to her in the middle of the service.
Cricket also got nervous about a few particular people in church. Did they remind her of her dad? Someone else? I mentioned that visits have started with him. He was not parenting Cricket when she was removed. He claims her mom kept Cricket from him, and it was not by his own choice that he was not a part of her life. He was heartbroken when she reacted to him with fear at the visit. Later I realized I didn't do the best job of building a relationship with him as I was just trying to get out of there, but my focus was on Cricket and doing our goodbye routine swiftly instead of dragging it out.
We will see what happens with Cricket going to her dad or not, and I'm not sure how soon we'll know. I hope if she does, there is a good transition to help her feel more comfortable with him. What's so sad, though, is being with her dad means not being with her sister. They don't have the same dad. So the two short-term plans for Cricket are to move to a foster family that can take all the siblings or her dad, and those plans are in opposition with each other. I'm not saying one is better, just that it's sad that she can't have both. I'm also sad for her sister in general, as her foster mom is having her moved. Time is running out for that move, and I haven't heard anything about a foster family that can take all three, so she'll likely just be moved to another home where she isn't with her siblings.
Her foster mom also hasn't been very communicative about a sibling visit (without birth parents) that we're supposed to have this week. If she pushes back on our plans at all, I think I'll just offer to pick up Cricket's sister and bring her myself. Cricket really needs this time with her.
Cricket is not really drawn to Dinosaur, who is near her sister's age, but whenever she's around a girl her sister's age, she lights up and follows her around eagerly. This is magnified when she sees a girl with her skin tone and similar hair. We have a few books with a girl that fits this description, and she always points her out as her sister. Though the funny part is that in one book she points out herself to be a toddler boy with pale skin, pretty much her complete opposite. It must be his size or that he has a big toddler grin like she gets.
This morning at church, it was my turn to help in the nursery, so I helped in her classroom. Then I decided staying the second service would be too much for us, but we could stay for a couple songs and see if she enjoyed it as she likes music so much, and our church is fairly lively. Before we went into the service, she spotted a girl that fit sister's type and went up to her eagerly. Thankfully the little girl thought Cricket was adorable and they chatted. Cricket kept telling me this was her sister, yet I knew she knew it wasn't true.
Then we went into the service, which she wasn't as into as I thought she might be, so we didn't stay long. But before we left, during a quiet moment she saw a family come in and, sure enough, another "sister" was spotted. "I see her!!" she shouted. I did manage to keep her from running over to her in the middle of the service.
Cricket also got nervous about a few particular people in church. Did they remind her of her dad? Someone else? I mentioned that visits have started with him. He was not parenting Cricket when she was removed. He claims her mom kept Cricket from him, and it was not by his own choice that he was not a part of her life. He was heartbroken when she reacted to him with fear at the visit. Later I realized I didn't do the best job of building a relationship with him as I was just trying to get out of there, but my focus was on Cricket and doing our goodbye routine swiftly instead of dragging it out.
We will see what happens with Cricket going to her dad or not, and I'm not sure how soon we'll know. I hope if she does, there is a good transition to help her feel more comfortable with him. What's so sad, though, is being with her dad means not being with her sister. They don't have the same dad. So the two short-term plans for Cricket are to move to a foster family that can take all the siblings or her dad, and those plans are in opposition with each other. I'm not saying one is better, just that it's sad that she can't have both. I'm also sad for her sister in general, as her foster mom is having her moved. Time is running out for that move, and I haven't heard anything about a foster family that can take all three, so she'll likely just be moved to another home where she isn't with her siblings.
Her foster mom also hasn't been very communicative about a sibling visit (without birth parents) that we're supposed to have this week. If she pushes back on our plans at all, I think I'll just offer to pick up Cricket's sister and bring her myself. Cricket really needs this time with her.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
The end of a visit
It's after office hours at the end of the visit, so Cricket's mom and the case aid come outside to the three waiting foster parents. An infant bucket seat is transferred. Cricket stands alone, and I take her hand. She asks me to pick her up.
A few instructions, comments, and questions are given to all three families. The kids wait quietly.
Cricket's mom gives a kiss goodbye to the older sister. I lean Cricket in for a kiss goodbye. But unfortunately, we walk off the same direction, so I can tell it hasn't sunk in for Cricket that she's going home with me, not her mom.
After several steps, we part ways, and she cries. She cries a cry I will never forget, one I have heard several times by now. She doesn't struggle to get free, but she reaches for her mommy as she walks her walk away. Of course Cricket's mom is looking back at her child, helpless. What can any of us say in that eye contact? How does she stop herself from running back for one more kiss? I am sure every nerve in her body wants to run to her daughter and take her out of my hands and run away.
Cricket is still crying in the car. Still crying on the way home. As I get out her dinner, she points to mandarin oranges and says she wants them. Not part of the dinner plan, but of course she can have them. She eats dinner while sitting in my lap. I assign B to the other two and take time just to stick by Cricket, promising myself I'll give the boys one-on-one time sometime this weekend.
I intend to wind her down with some books, but it's clear she's tired. My voice breaks a few times while reading a book of prayers for children, thinking about how her cares that are so much heavier than they should be for any child. I'm trying to establish a bedtime routine that involves me saying goodnight and walking away just for five minutes or less, though she protests. But I couldn't do it tonight. I needed to stay by her side. For her? For me? Many times I swear she's fallen asleep by the sound of her breathing, only to open my eyes to see hers looking back at me. But it doesn't take extremely long tonight.
Lots of little things went wrong today or chipped away at my patience. But that cry cut through my own issues, my own fears, my own blaming myself, and just told me to stop my thoughts and love this girl whose heart is breaking over and over.
A few instructions, comments, and questions are given to all three families. The kids wait quietly.
Cricket's mom gives a kiss goodbye to the older sister. I lean Cricket in for a kiss goodbye. But unfortunately, we walk off the same direction, so I can tell it hasn't sunk in for Cricket that she's going home with me, not her mom.
After several steps, we part ways, and she cries. She cries a cry I will never forget, one I have heard several times by now. She doesn't struggle to get free, but she reaches for her mommy as she walks her walk away. Of course Cricket's mom is looking back at her child, helpless. What can any of us say in that eye contact? How does she stop herself from running back for one more kiss? I am sure every nerve in her body wants to run to her daughter and take her out of my hands and run away.
Cricket is still crying in the car. Still crying on the way home. As I get out her dinner, she points to mandarin oranges and says she wants them. Not part of the dinner plan, but of course she can have them. She eats dinner while sitting in my lap. I assign B to the other two and take time just to stick by Cricket, promising myself I'll give the boys one-on-one time sometime this weekend.
I intend to wind her down with some books, but it's clear she's tired. My voice breaks a few times while reading a book of prayers for children, thinking about how her cares that are so much heavier than they should be for any child. I'm trying to establish a bedtime routine that involves me saying goodnight and walking away just for five minutes or less, though she protests. But I couldn't do it tonight. I needed to stay by her side. For her? For me? Many times I swear she's fallen asleep by the sound of her breathing, only to open my eyes to see hers looking back at me. But it doesn't take extremely long tonight.
Lots of little things went wrong today or chipped away at my patience. But that cry cut through my own issues, my own fears, my own blaming myself, and just told me to stop my thoughts and love this girl whose heart is breaking over and over.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Lesson Learned: Hair Care
If you think you might not be great at hair care for ethnic backgrounds different from your own, and you have trouble learning things without being physically shown, do not assume you can learn it all from the internet. Do not assume that asking advice will be enough. Ask someone to come help you. Before the birth mom sees her daughter and tells you as her first words to you, "You don't know what to do with her hair, do you."
I thought I tried, or at least that it wasn't THAT bad. I should have known to ask for more help. I'm not even good at white girl hair. My hair has been short for over a decade, and I have two sons. I went home and sent a message to an adoptive mom that I think can help or at least point me to someone. If that falls through, I know someone else who offered to help in the past, but I have to find her number again.
Between that and having to practically pry Cricket from her mom's arms to leave, with her wailing all the way out of the office, I am feeling low, small, and crushed in spirit.
Thank God I went to church on Sunday and was preached the truth about insecurities and having a spirit of fear. I'm speaking those truths to myself over and over. And just calling His name, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
I thought I tried, or at least that it wasn't THAT bad. I should have known to ask for more help. I'm not even good at white girl hair. My hair has been short for over a decade, and I have two sons. I went home and sent a message to an adoptive mom that I think can help or at least point me to someone. If that falls through, I know someone else who offered to help in the past, but I have to find her number again.
Between that and having to practically pry Cricket from her mom's arms to leave, with her wailing all the way out of the office, I am feeling low, small, and crushed in spirit.
Thank God I went to church on Sunday and was preached the truth about insecurities and having a spirit of fear. I'm speaking those truths to myself over and over. And just calling His name, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Phone calls
When Cricket arrived, I was able to find out the caseworker from our agency assigned to her. I e-mailed the caseworker the Google voice number I'd used with Caterpillar's mom. She passed it on to Cricket's mom, and I got a call right away. Oh, the heartbreak. Every few minutes the conversation breaks into crying on her side. When she's telling me her daughter is a really good girl. When she's telling me her daughter likes to play with her baby brother, who isn't in our home. When she's telling me she loves her kids, she just made a mistake, and she wishes she could change it had she known. What can you say?
She asked if we would say the Lord's prayer with Cricket each night, and we said we were Christians. So, now I've been reassuring her that we pray with Cricket, and we are also praying for her.
Cricket is one of three siblings. Separated into three foster homes. I can't write about it too much as it's just killing me to think about. The phone calls have been very reassuring to Cricket's mom, but I'm afraid that by comparison, one of the other foster homes is really worrying her, because she's heard nothing from them or about them. She said she didn't understand why we couldn't have the baby with us, too. What can I say? I said we are licensed for one foster child. I didn't go into how B and I go back and forth about two foster children and what we can handle. For a desperate, worried mom, I'm sure our explanation would be meaningless. I'll just have to repeat that we're licensed for one child, that weak but vague statement, because I've got nothing else I can say to her.
Cricket's mom asked to speak with Cricket, which I hadn't even thought about. I said I had to check with the caseworker. Caseworker okayed it, so now Cricket and her mom have talked on the phone once per day.
Have you ever seen a toddler talk on the phone? Mine are always mostly mystified. She whispered some answers, but she was not so sure about it all. I know her mom was getting anxious when she only heard silence. But today's call was a little better, with Cricket approaching the phone with excitement and speaking a little more clearly. I've learned she likes to hold the phone herself, when I'd been holding it out to her (with it on speaker phone).
It is so much better to have these calls in the lag time. We'll see what sort of communication pattern we get into as this week we have a home visit and start visits.
She asked if we would say the Lord's prayer with Cricket each night, and we said we were Christians. So, now I've been reassuring her that we pray with Cricket, and we are also praying for her.
Cricket is one of three siblings. Separated into three foster homes. I can't write about it too much as it's just killing me to think about. The phone calls have been very reassuring to Cricket's mom, but I'm afraid that by comparison, one of the other foster homes is really worrying her, because she's heard nothing from them or about them. She said she didn't understand why we couldn't have the baby with us, too. What can I say? I said we are licensed for one foster child. I didn't go into how B and I go back and forth about two foster children and what we can handle. For a desperate, worried mom, I'm sure our explanation would be meaningless. I'll just have to repeat that we're licensed for one child, that weak but vague statement, because I've got nothing else I can say to her.
Cricket's mom asked to speak with Cricket, which I hadn't even thought about. I said I had to check with the caseworker. Caseworker okayed it, so now Cricket and her mom have talked on the phone once per day.
Have you ever seen a toddler talk on the phone? Mine are always mostly mystified. She whispered some answers, but she was not so sure about it all. I know her mom was getting anxious when she only heard silence. But today's call was a little better, with Cricket approaching the phone with excitement and speaking a little more clearly. I've learned she likes to hold the phone herself, when I'd been holding it out to her (with it on speaker phone).
It is so much better to have these calls in the lag time. We'll see what sort of communication pattern we get into as this week we have a home visit and start visits.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Disappointment and waiting
Caterpillar's mom is in jail. I'm heartbroken and just so disappointed. I know she had a long road ahead, but I really hoped she wouldn't mistakes like this along the way. It feels strange not getting her texts via Google Voice, not hearing her stream of consciousness when I bring him to visits. I knew I would lose our connection when Caterpillar moved, but I didn't expect it quite yet.
The relative who will be placed with Caterpillar is cleared, but she still needs to get daycare in place. Sound familiar? I'm putting some pressure on the caseworker to keep some sort of timeline and intentionality in this transition, after the drawn-out haphazard transition Pterodactyl had. So far, he's has two visits at her home and done well, though he is a little clingier with me this week. I had professional photos done of him (a bit challenging with a baby that's not a newborn but can't quite sit up independently yet), and he was constantly looking for where I was. He's giving increasingly hesitant looks when someone other than me holds him.
He's been here less than three months, but I have a feeling this goodbye is going to rip my heart out nonetheless. He is so easy to love. I love this little guy, and I love him loving me.
The relative who will be placed with Caterpillar is cleared, but she still needs to get daycare in place. Sound familiar? I'm putting some pressure on the caseworker to keep some sort of timeline and intentionality in this transition, after the drawn-out haphazard transition Pterodactyl had. So far, he's has two visits at her home and done well, though he is a little clingier with me this week. I had professional photos done of him (a bit challenging with a baby that's not a newborn but can't quite sit up independently yet), and he was constantly looking for where I was. He's giving increasingly hesitant looks when someone other than me holds him.
He's been here less than three months, but I have a feeling this goodbye is going to rip my heart out nonetheless. He is so easy to love. I love this little guy, and I love him loving me.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Awkward moments in foster care: Waiting room surprise
I'm realizing that at least 90% of my awkward moments posts will probably take place in waiting rooms, like the last awkward moment I posted. Maybe this is actually part three, as one of my post about Pterodactyl's first doctor's appointment was one big awkward moment. I thought of renaming the series, but I'll just add an extra label "waiting rooms." I'm confident I'll be using that label again, as so much goes down in waiting rooms in foster care.
I brought Caterpillar in to a specialist appointment. His mom was already there, and we got right into talking about the paperwork and general chit-chat, as she is always very chatty with me. This continued for maybe ten minutes before we were called back. She stood up with Caterpillar, I stood up, and... some guy who had been sitting on the other side of the waiting room stood up, too.
Caterpillar's mom: "Oh, this is Stephen.*"
She later clarified (though I didn't really need her to) that this was Caterpillar's father. He had left the state before Caterpillar was removed. I don't think anyone involved in the case had met him. What did I say? "I'm glad you could come"? Did I not say anything because we headed back to the exam room? I was in too much shock for me to remember now. He definitely didn't know what to say either, though eventually he did say a "nice to meet you."
Crazy times, crazy times.
*not his real name
I brought Caterpillar in to a specialist appointment. His mom was already there, and we got right into talking about the paperwork and general chit-chat, as she is always very chatty with me. This continued for maybe ten minutes before we were called back. She stood up with Caterpillar, I stood up, and... some guy who had been sitting on the other side of the waiting room stood up, too.
Caterpillar's mom: "Oh, this is Stephen.*"
She later clarified (though I didn't really need her to) that this was Caterpillar's father. He had left the state before Caterpillar was removed. I don't think anyone involved in the case had met him. What did I say? "I'm glad you could come"? Did I not say anything because we headed back to the exam room? I was in too much shock for me to remember now. He definitely didn't know what to say either, though eventually he did say a "nice to meet you."
Crazy times, crazy times.
*not his real name
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Birth parent notes from support group
I mentioned before that our next foster parent support group was on birth parent relationships, and I would share notes. Well, it was better than just a chat about relationships; a birth mom with an open case came and shared her experiences! As might be expected, she had a good relationship with her child's foster parents and seemed to be on track for reunification. I was honored to hear what she had to say. Some things that stood out:
The first time you meet birth parents, they may still be in shock. Some may see it coming, some may not, but the trauma of losing your child causes emotional reactions sometimes out of one's control.
Seeing where the child lives is very important to them. In this case, she has visits at the foster parents' home, which is unusual in our agency and area. But if that isn't appropriate, we talked about how pictures of the child's room or where the child plays could be positive.
First impressions of how their child is cared for make an impact. This mom instantly had a criticism that she later figured out was no big deal. But she clearly remembers that worry, and how it made her legitimately fear for how her child was cared for.
Birth parents are in classes with other birth parents. I never really thought about this, but she shared about how she realized she was lucky to have such a good relationship because she'd met other parents with kids in foster care that the relationship was non-existent or negative. She acknowledged that she chose an attitude that helped that relationship.
Birth parents want to contribute to their child's needs. She talked about bringing clothes and things for her child, which helped her stay in the mode of being a parent and prepare for reunification. I asked how to balance involving birth parents in supplying a child's needs yet not wanting them to feel obligated, as we should be providing for them in our role as foster parents. She suggested if birth parents ask if they can bring anything, suggest cheap items like pacifiers. She couldn't think of many examples, but later I thought of books, even paperback books that then you could read at visits and at home. I'm still thinking on this one.
Birth parents want to be consulted and informed about the little and big things. This is where it gets tricky. She said it was so important to her that they talked to her before lots of decisions in caring for her baby. But what about parenting differences? I gave her a scenario similar to Caterpillar's mom's requests for me: what if a birth parent tells me to use diaper cream for every single diaper change, rash or no rash? She suggested exactly what I do: don't change my parenting completely especially when it would be really inconvenient or what I think is not best for the child, but acknowledge the parent by putting on diaper cream sometimes before visits, because it's clearly important to her. I had to crack up at a birth parent telling me to put on a good show for birth parents. It did make me think how I could ask more questions, though. What fruit or vegetable should we try with Caterpillar next? Do you have anything you would do as a part of bedtime routine? These small choices could give a birth parent positive involvement.
So, as I've been working so hard on my relationship with Caterpillar's mom, it may be changing very soon. I knew the agency was working through a list of potential relative caregivers. They have settled on one, and while she hasn't been fully cleared yet, it's expected she will be cleared soon. I really hope this relative is fully committed and responsive. The caseworker is. We'll see what happens.
It made me sad for a little more than losing Caterpillar. I'm sad to lose his mom. While it hasn't been easy, I know building our relationship has been a positive thing. I'm wondering if I might be able to keep in touch with her. She has talked about play groups that I bring my kids to, that she always wanted to bring her daughter (in a guardianship situation) but transportation is an issue. I'm thinking about offering to pick her up and take them to the play group with me. If I've put the pieces of information together, she lives near me, and we go there anyway. The play groups are all about parents as teachers, and I think they'd be great for her as a parent. I could help with this need, and still encourage her that she can do this parenting thing. And of course, for myself, I would hear how Caterpillar is doing, and God willing, see him again sometime. I'll be praying and considering.
The first time you meet birth parents, they may still be in shock. Some may see it coming, some may not, but the trauma of losing your child causes emotional reactions sometimes out of one's control.
Seeing where the child lives is very important to them. In this case, she has visits at the foster parents' home, which is unusual in our agency and area. But if that isn't appropriate, we talked about how pictures of the child's room or where the child plays could be positive.
First impressions of how their child is cared for make an impact. This mom instantly had a criticism that she later figured out was no big deal. But she clearly remembers that worry, and how it made her legitimately fear for how her child was cared for.
Birth parents are in classes with other birth parents. I never really thought about this, but she shared about how she realized she was lucky to have such a good relationship because she'd met other parents with kids in foster care that the relationship was non-existent or negative. She acknowledged that she chose an attitude that helped that relationship.
Birth parents want to contribute to their child's needs. She talked about bringing clothes and things for her child, which helped her stay in the mode of being a parent and prepare for reunification. I asked how to balance involving birth parents in supplying a child's needs yet not wanting them to feel obligated, as we should be providing for them in our role as foster parents. She suggested if birth parents ask if they can bring anything, suggest cheap items like pacifiers. She couldn't think of many examples, but later I thought of books, even paperback books that then you could read at visits and at home. I'm still thinking on this one.
Birth parents want to be consulted and informed about the little and big things. This is where it gets tricky. She said it was so important to her that they talked to her before lots of decisions in caring for her baby. But what about parenting differences? I gave her a scenario similar to Caterpillar's mom's requests for me: what if a birth parent tells me to use diaper cream for every single diaper change, rash or no rash? She suggested exactly what I do: don't change my parenting completely especially when it would be really inconvenient or what I think is not best for the child, but acknowledge the parent by putting on diaper cream sometimes before visits, because it's clearly important to her. I had to crack up at a birth parent telling me to put on a good show for birth parents. It did make me think how I could ask more questions, though. What fruit or vegetable should we try with Caterpillar next? Do you have anything you would do as a part of bedtime routine? These small choices could give a birth parent positive involvement.
So, as I've been working so hard on my relationship with Caterpillar's mom, it may be changing very soon. I knew the agency was working through a list of potential relative caregivers. They have settled on one, and while she hasn't been fully cleared yet, it's expected she will be cleared soon. I really hope this relative is fully committed and responsive. The caseworker is. We'll see what happens.
It made me sad for a little more than losing Caterpillar. I'm sad to lose his mom. While it hasn't been easy, I know building our relationship has been a positive thing. I'm wondering if I might be able to keep in touch with her. She has talked about play groups that I bring my kids to, that she always wanted to bring her daughter (in a guardianship situation) but transportation is an issue. I'm thinking about offering to pick her up and take them to the play group with me. If I've put the pieces of information together, she lives near me, and we go there anyway. The play groups are all about parents as teachers, and I think they'd be great for her as a parent. I could help with this need, and still encourage her that she can do this parenting thing. And of course, for myself, I would hear how Caterpillar is doing, and God willing, see him again sometime. I'll be praying and considering.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Awkward Moments in Foster Care - "Are you talking to me?"
Now that this blog post type has occurred to me, I'm sure I've got lots more to share from the past year. But here is today's awkward moment in foster care:
I was sitting in the waiting room before an appointment for Caterpillar. His mom was planning to come but hadn't shown up yet. The receptionist had to ask the doctor a question about an insurance issue and come back to talk to me, so when a woman came in, there was no one at the desk, so she sat down across from me, made some small talk as Caterpillar charmed her. The receptionist comes back and starts to tell me about what we're going to do, but the problem is, she makes eye contact with me and tells me something, then looks directly at the other woman in the waiting room and continues our conversation. The woman looks startled and says, "Are you talking to me?" The receptionist thought that she was Caterpillar's mom (they are a similar body type and skin tone, but nope). I didn't have to tell her she was wrong, but neither of us knew how to explain it to the woman without confidentiality issues. So the receptionist just finished the conversation with me, and I got out of there hastily.
Only in foster care.
I was sitting in the waiting room before an appointment for Caterpillar. His mom was planning to come but hadn't shown up yet. The receptionist had to ask the doctor a question about an insurance issue and come back to talk to me, so when a woman came in, there was no one at the desk, so she sat down across from me, made some small talk as Caterpillar charmed her. The receptionist comes back and starts to tell me about what we're going to do, but the problem is, she makes eye contact with me and tells me something, then looks directly at the other woman in the waiting room and continues our conversation. The woman looks startled and says, "Are you talking to me?" The receptionist thought that she was Caterpillar's mom (they are a similar body type and skin tone, but nope). I didn't have to tell her she was wrong, but neither of us knew how to explain it to the woman without confidentiality issues. So the receptionist just finished the conversation with me, and I got out of there hastily.
Only in foster care.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Foster care triangle
Now that I'm in a case with more birth parent communication, I'm feeling a little stuck in a foster care triangle. I want Caterpillar's mom that she has my support for reunification. I will do my best to care for Caterpillar, and I will do my best to support their bond and relationship. At the same time, that comes with limits. I can't wait around indefinitely when she shows up late. Unlimited grace on lateness is not good for anyone in the end, except maybe Caterpillar, as he still benefits from time with his mom. The caseworker and case aide are very firm with lateness and set up a system where she needs to be half an hour early for the visit or I won't bring Caterpillar. His mom is having some trouble with this system and is frustrated. She tells me she's frustrated and wants to know how it inconveniences me. I pass the buck back to the agency and tell her it's their rules. At the same time, I know they are rules to help me, so I'm not entirely being sincere or supportive of my agency's authority. Yet, I'm not sure how to communicate that, and I'm not sure if it's a good idea to do so. I mostly listen, empathize a little but not a lot, change the topic to how Caterpillar is doing and how I know she wants to see him, and tell her I hope to see her at the next visit.
Recently, a medical concern became a hexagon or some other crazy mess of lines: birth parent, foster parent, caseworker, old doctor, new doctor, pharmacist. I'm still not sure I navigated that perfectly, but I did the best I could.
I remind myself that it's better when all these people care, even though it makes it difficult. I've been in cases already when one point of the triangle didn't seem to care, and it's very sad.
In a couple weeks we have a foster parent support group on birth parent relationships. I'll take notes and share them, as I feel like I could never learn enough on this topic.
Recently, a medical concern became a hexagon or some other crazy mess of lines: birth parent, foster parent, caseworker, old doctor, new doctor, pharmacist. I'm still not sure I navigated that perfectly, but I did the best I could.
I remind myself that it's better when all these people care, even though it makes it difficult. I've been in cases already when one point of the triangle didn't seem to care, and it's very sad.
In a couple weeks we have a foster parent support group on birth parent relationships. I'll take notes and share them, as I feel like I could never learn enough on this topic.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Thanks for everything
I know I should expect zero gratitude from birth parents. It makes complete sense. I shouldn't hope for reunification because it will make me feel good that I did a good job as a foster parent/mentor. I should hope for reunification because it keeps families together.
I haven't even had it rough. The worst I've had in our cases is some persistent advice that I can't take, being ignored, or being talked about behind my back. I wouldn't blame a birth parent that yelled at me, but it hasn't happened yet.
And yet, when I read a text that says, "Thanks for everything," it stops me in my tracks. My heart skips a beat. My love language is words, words, words.
I know I can't do this completely right. But it gives me hope that some of the love I'm trying to show is peeking through.
I haven't even had it rough. The worst I've had in our cases is some persistent advice that I can't take, being ignored, or being talked about behind my back. I wouldn't blame a birth parent that yelled at me, but it hasn't happened yet.
And yet, when I read a text that says, "Thanks for everything," it stops me in my tracks. My heart skips a beat. My love language is words, words, words.
I know I can't do this completely right. But it gives me hope that some of the love I'm trying to show is peeking through.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Crazy at home, a little bit of peace away
Last week I had a WEEK, and I wasn't sure how to post about it without telling more than I'm comfortable about Caterpillar's health. It had to do with a medication running out before I expected, his mom changing doctors without me being aware of it, and pharmacists questioning the medication he was being prescribed. Big ole mess, and I literally spent my week on it. There's not much I dislike more than phone calls that are needed to accomplish something, and there were a lot of them.
It's mostly resolved, but still an ongoing issue. Medical issues are complicated in foster care, and I know that mine aren't even close to how bad it can be.
I was so ready to get out of town with my family. We went to visit my parents, and my sister's family came over. We had travel permission and brought Caterpillar, who was cuddled and loved by all. He even slept all night there both nights, which is the first baby in my history of motherhood that has ever done that. Kids still keep us busy, but it was a good break from the speed life had gotten to around here. Dinosaur and Rhinoceros ran around with their cousins, the weather was great, and we ate lots of good food. And it was very good to see my mom, especially. After losing her mother in January, it's been a tough year for her.
I'm thankful there were no issues with travel permission. I called Caterpillar's mom when we got there and when we arrived back. In spite of my general dislike of the phone, I like these check-ins. It never feels right to go several days without talking to the mother or father of the child in my care. Sometimes that's because of their own choice or actions, but sometimes foster parents can initiate regular contact during the gaps. Even if there's not much to report, it seems right to me.
We'll see what the next week brings. I still need to follow-up with the medical issues. Caterpillar's aunt and uncle were in the agency office during one of the visits last week, presumably meeting with the caseworker to look into being relative providers. Maybe they will pan out, maybe not. Meanwhile, Caterpillar is drooling up a storm, starting to grab at toys a little more, and being a sweet sweet baby.
It's mostly resolved, but still an ongoing issue. Medical issues are complicated in foster care, and I know that mine aren't even close to how bad it can be.
I was so ready to get out of town with my family. We went to visit my parents, and my sister's family came over. We had travel permission and brought Caterpillar, who was cuddled and loved by all. He even slept all night there both nights, which is the first baby in my history of motherhood that has ever done that. Kids still keep us busy, but it was a good break from the speed life had gotten to around here. Dinosaur and Rhinoceros ran around with their cousins, the weather was great, and we ate lots of good food. And it was very good to see my mom, especially. After losing her mother in January, it's been a tough year for her.
I'm thankful there were no issues with travel permission. I called Caterpillar's mom when we got there and when we arrived back. In spite of my general dislike of the phone, I like these check-ins. It never feels right to go several days without talking to the mother or father of the child in my care. Sometimes that's because of their own choice or actions, but sometimes foster parents can initiate regular contact during the gaps. Even if there's not much to report, it seems right to me.
We'll see what the next week brings. I still need to follow-up with the medical issues. Caterpillar's aunt and uncle were in the agency office during one of the visits last week, presumably meeting with the caseworker to look into being relative providers. Maybe they will pan out, maybe not. Meanwhile, Caterpillar is drooling up a storm, starting to grab at toys a little more, and being a sweet sweet baby.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Meeting the birth mom by phone
Caterpillar's birth mom gave her phone number to the caseworker to give to me. After thinking about it for a little while, I wanted to extend some contact over phone. First, she made the first move, and second, I felt for her. I always feel pangs of sympathy imagining mothers lying awake at night, not knowing anything about the strangers their babies are with, not able to tell them anything. Wondering if they know that gas drops help him. Wondering if they will figure out that she likes her back rubbed to get to sleep. And this case in particular has had a bumpy start in ways that are not her fault.
There were two obstacles to this phone call. The first is that I get very anxious about phone calls. Even if I'm just calling the dentist's office, I get a little sweaty and flustered. When I've had to make calls in my second language, Spanish, I have to talk myself into calling, literally pep-talking myself out loud sometimes. I vastly prefer talking in person or by e-mail. Sometimes I avoid phone calls completely.
The second obstacle is privacy. Many birth parents would not abuse having information on foster parents, but some would. With landlines, there is the insecurity of knowing that your address is out there. I know it differs by areas, but here the address of the foster parents' home is kept confidential. Then with any kind of phone, you can invite more calls than you bargained for. Birth parents may have addictions or mental illness (or just desperation from missing their children) that inspire 2 am calls or constant texts, and most other foster parents have advised me against giving out a number.
Then I saw Google Voice suggested and found it to be a great solution. I'll try to explain it because I didn't get it at first. You can create a new number. For outgoing calls, you can type the number on the website and it calls any phone you have set up to be connected to your Google Voice number. When you answer your phone, it connects to the number you entered on the website. The person receiving the call sees only the Google Voice number, not your landline or cell number. Then for incoming calls, any phone you have connected to your Google Voice number rings. Here's a great feature: there is an option for calls during a certain time to go straight to voicemail. I set that up from 9 pm to 8 am, and ta-da, no after-hours calls.
So, with the privacy obstacle overcome, I said a few prayers to get past my phone fear, and called Caterpillar's mom. It was a really positive conversation, and I'm so glad I called her. I don't know at all where our relationship will go or how this case will go, but I am glad that it started off better than my rushed awkward conversation as I drop off her child for a visit. I introduced myself as the foster mom taking care of her son, and tried to learn as much as I could of how she has been taking care of him: products, soothing tips, etc. She was calm and thorough. Talking at visits and keeping a two-way journal have been mostly positive, but after today, I really want to attempt phone contact with future birth parents. I want to give my Google Voice number to the worker dropping off the child, because this conversation would have been even better if had happened sooner.
What communication methods have you had with birth parents? Your good stories, your bad stories?
There were two obstacles to this phone call. The first is that I get very anxious about phone calls. Even if I'm just calling the dentist's office, I get a little sweaty and flustered. When I've had to make calls in my second language, Spanish, I have to talk myself into calling, literally pep-talking myself out loud sometimes. I vastly prefer talking in person or by e-mail. Sometimes I avoid phone calls completely.
The second obstacle is privacy. Many birth parents would not abuse having information on foster parents, but some would. With landlines, there is the insecurity of knowing that your address is out there. I know it differs by areas, but here the address of the foster parents' home is kept confidential. Then with any kind of phone, you can invite more calls than you bargained for. Birth parents may have addictions or mental illness (or just desperation from missing their children) that inspire 2 am calls or constant texts, and most other foster parents have advised me against giving out a number.
Then I saw Google Voice suggested and found it to be a great solution. I'll try to explain it because I didn't get it at first. You can create a new number. For outgoing calls, you can type the number on the website and it calls any phone you have set up to be connected to your Google Voice number. When you answer your phone, it connects to the number you entered on the website. The person receiving the call sees only the Google Voice number, not your landline or cell number. Then for incoming calls, any phone you have connected to your Google Voice number rings. Here's a great feature: there is an option for calls during a certain time to go straight to voicemail. I set that up from 9 pm to 8 am, and ta-da, no after-hours calls.
So, with the privacy obstacle overcome, I said a few prayers to get past my phone fear, and called Caterpillar's mom. It was a really positive conversation, and I'm so glad I called her. I don't know at all where our relationship will go or how this case will go, but I am glad that it started off better than my rushed awkward conversation as I drop off her child for a visit. I introduced myself as the foster mom taking care of her son, and tried to learn as much as I could of how she has been taking care of him: products, soothing tips, etc. She was calm and thorough. Talking at visits and keeping a two-way journal have been mostly positive, but after today, I really want to attempt phone contact with future birth parents. I want to give my Google Voice number to the worker dropping off the child, because this conversation would have been even better if had happened sooner.
What communication methods have you had with birth parents? Your good stories, your bad stories?
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