I sing a little song around the house with the names of the kids. I admit I bring it out often when I'm about to lose it and I need something to get me back to being kind and positive. We have a few versions:
"I love Dinosaur, I love Rhinoceros, I love Crocodile, I love Daddy B."
"I love Dinosaur, I love Rhinoceros, I love Crocodile, I love Pterodactyl-and-Beetle-and-Caterpillar-and-Cricket-and-Tadpole."
"I love Crocodile, I love his mama, I love his Benny*, I love his sisters."
Lately he's started to request particular versions. You would think it would always be the mama-Benny-sisters version, but sometimes he requests the one that names foster kids he never met. Every time he asks, the look he gives me just melts me. He know they're our "special people" songs.
Whenever my heart aches with emotion when he brings up his mama, his Benny, or his sisters, I sometimes search for words, but at some point I came up with a go-to response that helps me respond right away and helps comfort right away. "Your _____ is/are so special to you." Then of course he starts to echo it, and daily he's talking about how each one is so special.
Crocodile was playing with three cars on a track. "That one has my mama and my Benny and my sisters. That one has Mommy C and Daddy B. That one is just me by myself."
Your family may change, little one, and special people may say goodbye, but you won't be just you by yourself. I won't let that happen.
*His mom's boyfriend, not his real name
Showing posts with label birth siblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth siblings. Show all posts
Monday, November 21, 2016
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Beach time
All of our foster children have had older siblings, and all of them have had neglect and the foster care system impact them more deeply than the little ones in our care. This isn't say that our little ones haven't experienced loss and fear. Early trauma and separation are real. But so far, the older ones have always lost more, feared more. They remember the violence. They remember the broken promises. They remember the times their mom or dad couldn't take care of them and someone else had to. Sometimes they've told me. And they are scared for their younger siblings. They worry about them.
All of that melts away when they're just kids playing on a beach. A brother and two sisters. Crocodile is normally very hesitant near the water (pretty much the only time he's hesitant about physical activity), but I don't know if it was the presence of his sisters or what, but he just ran right in. They splashed him, he splashed them, and they shouted and screamed. These kids are very, very loud. I'm so glad it's summer. They pushed and pulled either other around on an inflatable alligator. They dumped cups of water on each others' heads. Even though I described their lives as being different above, they're all three so small.
It's joyful.
It's bittersweet. This shouldn't be a "bonding time." This should just be their lives. I remember thinking the same thing when Cricket's sister came for a sleepover and Cricket chatted incessantly as they went to sleep. This should just be another Saturday night.
Thankfully, their separation ended, though adoption is still not final and I am nervous until it is, especially since they are half-siblings, so there are relatives that could separate them.
I pray that the separation ends for Crocodile and his sisters. There are at least two ways that it could, but they are not guaranteed.
I shouldn't picture the future. I know I shouldn't. But in my mind it goes like this: Crocodile moves to one of those next steps with his sisters. We become open for two kids, a sibling set only. What if there are sets of three, four, five? Or lots of babies later? As much as I wish sometimes we could, we know we aren't the family that can take them, so I know this doesn't solve everything. But maybe, just maybe, it will work out that the right sibling set at the right time would end up in our home. And we could keep them together and they would never be separated.
Maybe we could just have beach time, in the middle of foster care, and beyond, like a regular Saturday.
All of that melts away when they're just kids playing on a beach. A brother and two sisters. Crocodile is normally very hesitant near the water (pretty much the only time he's hesitant about physical activity), but I don't know if it was the presence of his sisters or what, but he just ran right in. They splashed him, he splashed them, and they shouted and screamed. These kids are very, very loud. I'm so glad it's summer. They pushed and pulled either other around on an inflatable alligator. They dumped cups of water on each others' heads. Even though I described their lives as being different above, they're all three so small.
It's joyful.
It's bittersweet. This shouldn't be a "bonding time." This should just be their lives. I remember thinking the same thing when Cricket's sister came for a sleepover and Cricket chatted incessantly as they went to sleep. This should just be another Saturday night.
Thankfully, their separation ended, though adoption is still not final and I am nervous until it is, especially since they are half-siblings, so there are relatives that could separate them.
I pray that the separation ends for Crocodile and his sisters. There are at least two ways that it could, but they are not guaranteed.
I shouldn't picture the future. I know I shouldn't. But in my mind it goes like this: Crocodile moves to one of those next steps with his sisters. We become open for two kids, a sibling set only. What if there are sets of three, four, five? Or lots of babies later? As much as I wish sometimes we could, we know we aren't the family that can take them, so I know this doesn't solve everything. But maybe, just maybe, it will work out that the right sibling set at the right time would end up in our home. And we could keep them together and they would never be separated.
Maybe we could just have beach time, in the middle of foster care, and beyond, like a regular Saturday.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
My stisters
Imagine Crocodile's sisters' names are something like Sonya and Sierra. When Crocodile came to us, they had one name no matter which sister he was talking about. Imagine something like Sina. So, Sina was pointed out to us in pictures, and he would talk about what Sina did and we were never sure which sister he meant.
A few months ago, their names became distinct, though still not quite the right pronunciation, so something like Sira and Sina.
Recently, he uses their names, but he is also especially proud and pleased that they are his "stisters." He likes to talk about this after he's seen them, and he just nods his head with a little more energy and satisfaction when he says it.
His "stisters" have not had an easy life, and Crocodile has been spared some of their ups and downs. They recently moved homes, and Sonya asked a lot about Crocodile. In transitions and unsure times, they cling to the most constant things they can: siblings. I think of Cricket. I talked to someone close to her after she moved to be with her sister, and she said she was like a different child. All this hidden joy came out of her, having the security of knowing her sister was with her.
There is hope that if reunification does not happen that Crocodile and his sisters will be together. We are not the family that can make that happen, but there is a possibility. All of that is far ahead, and in the meantime we're going to try to make sure he can have more sibling time than the minimum we've been doing. Where we live, that's once per month (plus they see each other at parenting time with mom). Why not have more time in the first place? It's hard to plan and schedule with busy foster families, honestly. But the new family is eager to plan it and I think we'll make it happen.
The longer the case goes, the easier it is to forget sometimes that Dinosaur and Rhinoceros are not his only siblings. I have to be pretty intentional to be a part of keeping that bond going.
I don't know our future as foster parents, but I hope at some point we're able to foster siblings and prevent separation in the first place. I wish we could have been ready to do that from the start, but if we had waited until we were ready, we wouldn't have been there for the five kids we've had. They would have just been in different homes, still separated from siblings.
A few months ago, their names became distinct, though still not quite the right pronunciation, so something like Sira and Sina.
Recently, he uses their names, but he is also especially proud and pleased that they are his "stisters." He likes to talk about this after he's seen them, and he just nods his head with a little more energy and satisfaction when he says it.
His "stisters" have not had an easy life, and Crocodile has been spared some of their ups and downs. They recently moved homes, and Sonya asked a lot about Crocodile. In transitions and unsure times, they cling to the most constant things they can: siblings. I think of Cricket. I talked to someone close to her after she moved to be with her sister, and she said she was like a different child. All this hidden joy came out of her, having the security of knowing her sister was with her.
There is hope that if reunification does not happen that Crocodile and his sisters will be together. We are not the family that can make that happen, but there is a possibility. All of that is far ahead, and in the meantime we're going to try to make sure he can have more sibling time than the minimum we've been doing. Where we live, that's once per month (plus they see each other at parenting time with mom). Why not have more time in the first place? It's hard to plan and schedule with busy foster families, honestly. But the new family is eager to plan it and I think we'll make it happen.
The longer the case goes, the easier it is to forget sometimes that Dinosaur and Rhinoceros are not his only siblings. I have to be pretty intentional to be a part of keeping that bond going.
I don't know our future as foster parents, but I hope at some point we're able to foster siblings and prevent separation in the first place. I wish we could have been ready to do that from the start, but if we had waited until we were ready, we wouldn't have been there for the five kids we've had. They would have just been in different homes, still separated from siblings.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
The twins we could have had.
Two years ago, I was praying for Pterodactyl's twin siblings. The siblings we said we would take if we had open bed(s), but we wouldn't stay empty for them, either. As it ended up, we had Caterpillar placed with us and they were placed in another foster home.
I later connected with their foster dad through our agency and got to see pictures of them, and later saw them in person. Precious, beautiful babies, one looking somewhat like Pterodactyl, but really they are their own little people.
Recently I got to see the announcement that this foster family adopted them. A lovely, happy family.
Of course, I wonder, what would our lives have been like? We would have had a family of six. We would have likely been done with fostering in our second placement. The newborn phase would have been intense, but it would have wrapped up a whole lot sooner. Sometimes we as foster parents are faced with the kids that need placement and we feel like we must be that home. Clearly since we're being asked, we must be the ones to say yes. But in the in the big picture, I know this is not true, especially for very young children in foster care.
I know this was not our story to have. Our story has Beetle, Caterpillar, Cricket, Crocodile, and more to come. In our hearts, we just absolutely knew there was another family for these twins, someone who longed for them, someone God prepared for them. It is so good to see their faces in their smiling announcement.
I still feel like a distant relative, however loose my connection might be to them. They aren't my babies, but they have a little place in our history, and in our history of prayers to do God's will.
I later connected with their foster dad through our agency and got to see pictures of them, and later saw them in person. Precious, beautiful babies, one looking somewhat like Pterodactyl, but really they are their own little people.
Recently I got to see the announcement that this foster family adopted them. A lovely, happy family.
Of course, I wonder, what would our lives have been like? We would have had a family of six. We would have likely been done with fostering in our second placement. The newborn phase would have been intense, but it would have wrapped up a whole lot sooner. Sometimes we as foster parents are faced with the kids that need placement and we feel like we must be that home. Clearly since we're being asked, we must be the ones to say yes. But in the in the big picture, I know this is not true, especially for very young children in foster care.
I know this was not our story to have. Our story has Beetle, Caterpillar, Cricket, Crocodile, and more to come. In our hearts, we just absolutely knew there was another family for these twins, someone who longed for them, someone God prepared for them. It is so good to see their faces in their smiling announcement.
I still feel like a distant relative, however loose my connection might be to them. They aren't my babies, but they have a little place in our history, and in our history of prayers to do God's will.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Partnership with other foster parents
In training for foster care, there is a lot of discussion about relationships with birth families. I'm very glad that this is a part of training and I always bring it up as a topic for more training and discussion. But I didn't expect to be working together with other foster parents as much as I have.
Some connections come and go. We've had a few connections with providing or needing respite. Some have been more lasting, like a group I attend in which foster parents voice opinions and concerns of foster parents within the system. There are support groups, an informal one I currently attend, an a formal one that was going, has stopped, and I'm helping to get going again. There are online communities, answering questions and following stories, blogging and reading blogs.
The connections I didn't really expect are the ones that happen when foster parents share a case. Because we foster one child at a time, many of our cases have involved siblings. So, we do a lot of planning with other foster families. We've planned sibling visits, sleepovers, parenting time schedules that work for everyone, and transitions to move a child. Sometimes it's nice, with someone to chat about the kids with, and it's nice not to be the only foster parent attending court. The end of visits can be crazy, though, with multiple kids going different directions. Let's just say the conversation with birth parents I imagined when I went through training doesn't go so well when there are three foster families involved simultaneously picking up kids whose emotions are running high.
But sometimes it gets a little interesting. What if your hopes and expectations of the case are different than another family? What if another foster parent complains and expect you to agree, and you don't? What if one foster family is advocating for biological family, and another foster family is more skeptical? Ideally, we'd all be on the same page, but we all come from our own perspectives. Thankfully, in almost every case, I've been confident that we all love the kids and want what's best for them.
Have you shared cases with other families? How has your experience been?
Some connections come and go. We've had a few connections with providing or needing respite. Some have been more lasting, like a group I attend in which foster parents voice opinions and concerns of foster parents within the system. There are support groups, an informal one I currently attend, an a formal one that was going, has stopped, and I'm helping to get going again. There are online communities, answering questions and following stories, blogging and reading blogs.
The connections I didn't really expect are the ones that happen when foster parents share a case. Because we foster one child at a time, many of our cases have involved siblings. So, we do a lot of planning with other foster families. We've planned sibling visits, sleepovers, parenting time schedules that work for everyone, and transitions to move a child. Sometimes it's nice, with someone to chat about the kids with, and it's nice not to be the only foster parent attending court. The end of visits can be crazy, though, with multiple kids going different directions. Let's just say the conversation with birth parents I imagined when I went through training doesn't go so well when there are three foster families involved simultaneously picking up kids whose emotions are running high.
But sometimes it gets a little interesting. What if your hopes and expectations of the case are different than another family? What if another foster parent complains and expect you to agree, and you don't? What if one foster family is advocating for biological family, and another foster family is more skeptical? Ideally, we'd all be on the same page, but we all come from our own perspectives. Thankfully, in almost every case, I've been confident that we all love the kids and want what's best for them.
Have you shared cases with other families? How has your experience been?
Sunday, September 20, 2015
More sibling time
It worked out for everyone to have some serious sibling time this afternoon. We dropped off Crocodile with the foster mom who has his sisters. Then we went to the park for a play date with Cricket, then headed back and picked up Crocodile when we were done.
It's always very good, but always a bit bittersweet. Things that bring a smile to my face bring a pang of loss in my heart. She still acts like she's Rhinoceros's big sister, even though she's younger. She still asks for me to pick her up. She said she was sleepy and cuddled with me for awhile, and after she pinched her finger, she cried and cuddled some more. She still wears an intense, serious face much of the time, but when she grins, it's so bright. She asked if I could come to Granny's house and spend the night with her.
And I don't know why, but this conversation cracked me up:
"So what do you do at (pre)school?"
"I color and I glue."
"Oh, are you cutting up paper, too? I know you're really good at that."
"No, the teacher don't let me have the scissors. No no no."
Gina* told me they had just had a play date on Friday with Cricket's younger brother as well, who still lives in a separate home. The case is moving toward adoption, and they are having more frequent sibling visits to make a case that adopting in separate homes is the best for these kids. I can't say what's right or wrong. Sometimes splitting sibling groups makes me wonder if we should even be fostering, knowing we're a part of the problem when we say, "No, we will only take one." It has come up many times, and it will again. I feel guilt, but we also know what we can provide, and what we are afraid we can't provide with more kids or older kids, at least at this point. But if no one fostered besides families who could do the best for every single case, how few families would be available? What we can do is better than nothing, at least I pray it is.
We can only do our part, nurture those sibling relationships, and leave it in God's hands.
*Cricket's half-sister's grandma, her foster mom as fictive kin
It's always very good, but always a bit bittersweet. Things that bring a smile to my face bring a pang of loss in my heart. She still acts like she's Rhinoceros's big sister, even though she's younger. She still asks for me to pick her up. She said she was sleepy and cuddled with me for awhile, and after she pinched her finger, she cried and cuddled some more. She still wears an intense, serious face much of the time, but when she grins, it's so bright. She asked if I could come to Granny's house and spend the night with her.
And I don't know why, but this conversation cracked me up:
"So what do you do at (pre)school?"
"I color and I glue."
"Oh, are you cutting up paper, too? I know you're really good at that."
"No, the teacher don't let me have the scissors. No no no."
Gina* told me they had just had a play date on Friday with Cricket's younger brother as well, who still lives in a separate home. The case is moving toward adoption, and they are having more frequent sibling visits to make a case that adopting in separate homes is the best for these kids. I can't say what's right or wrong. Sometimes splitting sibling groups makes me wonder if we should even be fostering, knowing we're a part of the problem when we say, "No, we will only take one." It has come up many times, and it will again. I feel guilt, but we also know what we can provide, and what we are afraid we can't provide with more kids or older kids, at least at this point. But if no one fostered besides families who could do the best for every single case, how few families would be available? What we can do is better than nothing, at least I pray it is.
We can only do our part, nurture those sibling relationships, and leave it in God's hands.
*Cricket's half-sister's grandma, her foster mom as fictive kin
Sunday, June 28, 2015
More sibling sadness
Crocodile has two older sisters, who are still quite young kids. They are in a foster home together with a foster mom acquaintance of mine. As soon as I found out who it was, I made contact with her and we decided to do a sibling visit right away. We especially wanted to do this because there are no parental visits scheduled yet, so sibling visits are the only way they'd see each other. Crocodile had not mentioned them in any way like "sissy" or by name that I could understand, but he is just 2 years old. When we got in the car to go to the sibling visit, I said his sisters' names and he lit up and shouted out his way of saying one of the sister's names. I think he's consolidated them into one name, actually. He lights up in the same way when I show him pictures from the visit. It's very sweet.
But with the sweetness comes sadness. Neither we nor the other foster mom can take all three kids. And conversations with kids this age about foster care are just so sad. They're young enough that they'll just talk about it uninhibited but old enough to have the language that breaks your heart. It reminds me of Caterpillar's sister and Pterodactyl's oldest brother. Big sister asked about her mom when she first saw Crocodile. I told her that she wasn't coming, that this was just to see Crocodile. She said, "They took us away from her. They took us away." Little sister pipes up: "Crying." That's all she said, crying.
But with the sweetness comes sadness. Neither we nor the other foster mom can take all three kids. And conversations with kids this age about foster care are just so sad. They're young enough that they'll just talk about it uninhibited but old enough to have the language that breaks your heart. It reminds me of Caterpillar's sister and Pterodactyl's oldest brother. Big sister asked about her mom when she first saw Crocodile. I told her that she wasn't coming, that this was just to see Crocodile. She said, "They took us away from her. They took us away." Little sister pipes up: "Crying." That's all she said, crying.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Words I wasn't sure I'd hear
I heard two things tonight I wouldn't say I never thought I'd hear. But I certainly wasn't counting on them, and they were pretty impossible to imagine at times.
1. Cricket and Rhinoceros were momentarily happily playing with Duplo blocks next to each other. Spontaneously, Cricket said, "I love you, Rhinoceros."
2. I had a chat with Dinosaur about Cricket moving soon.
Me: How do you feel about that?
D: In the middle.
Me: What's the good part?
D: Well, I have some good times when Cricket isn't here.
Me: What's the bad part?
D: I want her to be a part of our family all the time.
They seem contradictory, but it makes sense. Yes, she drives him crazy (and vice versa) and he seems to still wish for a baby instead. But he also has grown fond of her and feels like she's a part of our family. Because she is.
1. Cricket and Rhinoceros were momentarily happily playing with Duplo blocks next to each other. Spontaneously, Cricket said, "I love you, Rhinoceros."
2. I had a chat with Dinosaur about Cricket moving soon.
Me: How do you feel about that?
D: In the middle.
Me: What's the good part?
D: Well, I have some good times when Cricket isn't here.
Me: What's the bad part?
D: I want her to be a part of our family all the time.
They seem contradictory, but it makes sense. Yes, she drives him crazy (and vice versa) and he seems to still wish for a baby instead. But he also has grown fond of her and feels like she's a part of our family. Because she is.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Sister time
Cricket's sister's visit was mostly fun and quite interesting. At sibling visits, they were pretty attached at the hip, much more than a 2-year-old and a 7-year-old would usually be. I wasn't sure how it would go at our house, especially with the two boys thrown into the mix. Dinosaur's personality can be overwhelming for some kids (has a hard time turning off the silly and tuning into other people), but she seemed to take it in stride and they actually got along really well. Rhinoceros seemed a bit lost as Cricket wasn't playing her usual games with him, but we found a few things they all played together: playing in the snow, painting snow in containers inside, play-doh, hitting balloons around, drawing with markers.
We've never had a school-aged child stay at our house without their parents there. Cricket's sister had lots of questions about our house, stuff we were driving by, our family, etc. She talked about her mom in ways that Cricket doesn't, saying what her mom does with them, telling lighthearted stories of how her mom reacted to things that Cricket did. She was a candid and energetic, generally fun to have as a part of our family for a day.
But the most interesting thing was to watch Cricket around her. Cricket takes charge of the kids in our house. That doesn't mean she always gets her way, but she puts a lot of energy in to seeing if she can get things her way in a sibling situation. Her sister, however, shuts her down. I saw her stop mid-protest because her sister was talking! Unheard of here, seriously. They even went to bed quietly, with only a few murmurs and whispers to each other before they fell asleep.
Cricket didn't cling to her sister as much as I thought she would, except for when I tried to separate them for a nap as her sister had no interest in lying down mid-afternoon. That was a NO. GO. for Cricket, triggering abandonment and separation issues and probably shouldn't have been attempted. But she did go to her sister asking to be picked up as she asks me to pick her up, and she called for her to help wipe in the bathroom. I tried to tell her that wiping is not her sister's job, that it's hers or a grown-up's. We also weren't sure if we should bring them all to church, as it felt odd to have Cricket's sister overnight then go to church just to separate her from her sister. But church on Sundays is a part of her routine, and she brought a dress and asked about it right away. She seemed comfortable with the idea, and I was pretty sure our church would make her feel at home, so we went for it.
Cricket has a birthday this month, and I learned yesterday her sister does as well, so we're trying to work out a joint birthday thing for the siblings. And then, not too long after that hopefully, they'll be living together again and not scrambling to get together among the siblings' three different families.
We've never had a school-aged child stay at our house without their parents there. Cricket's sister had lots of questions about our house, stuff we were driving by, our family, etc. She talked about her mom in ways that Cricket doesn't, saying what her mom does with them, telling lighthearted stories of how her mom reacted to things that Cricket did. She was a candid and energetic, generally fun to have as a part of our family for a day.
But the most interesting thing was to watch Cricket around her. Cricket takes charge of the kids in our house. That doesn't mean she always gets her way, but she puts a lot of energy in to seeing if she can get things her way in a sibling situation. Her sister, however, shuts her down. I saw her stop mid-protest because her sister was talking! Unheard of here, seriously. They even went to bed quietly, with only a few murmurs and whispers to each other before they fell asleep.
Cricket didn't cling to her sister as much as I thought she would, except for when I tried to separate them for a nap as her sister had no interest in lying down mid-afternoon. That was a NO. GO. for Cricket, triggering abandonment and separation issues and probably shouldn't have been attempted. But she did go to her sister asking to be picked up as she asks me to pick her up, and she called for her to help wipe in the bathroom. I tried to tell her that wiping is not her sister's job, that it's hers or a grown-up's. We also weren't sure if we should bring them all to church, as it felt odd to have Cricket's sister overnight then go to church just to separate her from her sister. But church on Sundays is a part of her routine, and she brought a dress and asked about it right away. She seemed comfortable with the idea, and I was pretty sure our church would make her feel at home, so we went for it.
Cricket has a birthday this month, and I learned yesterday her sister does as well, so we're trying to work out a joint birthday thing for the siblings. And then, not too long after that hopefully, they'll be living together again and not scrambling to get together among the siblings' three different families.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Weekend apart
We had a trip out of the country and worked on bringing Cricket as a Plan A. As we started getting closer to the trip without Plan A being solid, we worked on Plan B. Plan B worked out to be Cricket staying with her sister's grandmother Gina.* Cricket's sister lives with Gina, and Gina is becoming licensed so that she can take all three siblings, though only one is biologically related to her. It became clear that Plan B was better than Plan A anyway, so we went with that.
So, we headed off for time with my in-laws with waterparks, birthday celebrations, and long drives. Cricket enjoyed a few days in her future home, spending time with her sister, a person extremely important to her. Our time was one of our busiest trips, just not much down time planned. Between the frantic pace, long car trips, and extended time in noisy environments, Plan A with Cricket would have been a nightmare. Even I was crabby and overwhelmed by 3 pm of the second waterpark/hotel day. I would have had to retreat with her often and just do our own thing, which I would have done, but I'm glad we avoided it overall. With two kids and two parents, we were able to give Dinosaur and Rhinoceros lots of one-on-one time. Those two. Dinosaur fears no waterslide. He spent the first day just getting in line time after time, riding every single one multiple times. Rhinoceros clung to me some at first, but found a red water cannon (because anything not the color red is dead to him) and warmed up to the wave pool.
I had B pick up Cricket as she tends to react more emotionally when I am there, but that does mean he wasn't as inquisitive as I would have been, so I'm not sure what all she did. When I called, Gina said she was sleeping well there and they were having a ton of fun. Cricket arrived happy and bubbly for about half an hour, then fell apart and cried until bedtime. This morning, more wailing, more aggression, but once we left the house, she seemed to click back into routine.
Court was today and the caseworker said the move to Gina would be in 30-45 days. I hope that is the case without much delay, because Cricket really needs to be there soon. I know it won't be easy, I know Rhinoceros will lose his favorite playmate (even if she is also his worst enemy), and I know Cricket will not understand where we've gone from her life and will be affected by that loss. But she really needs to be with her sister, and I hope being with her will help her heal. We're having her sister over here this weekend to give them a bit more time together and to thank Gina for being so flexible with providing respite. It's our first time having an elementary-school-aged foster child in the home. She's the same age as Dinosaur, so I'm already prepping him that she's coming to visit Cricket, and we should all give them space to just enjoy being together. We'll see how it goes!
*not her real name, but I can only type sister's grandmother so many times.
So, we headed off for time with my in-laws with waterparks, birthday celebrations, and long drives. Cricket enjoyed a few days in her future home, spending time with her sister, a person extremely important to her. Our time was one of our busiest trips, just not much down time planned. Between the frantic pace, long car trips, and extended time in noisy environments, Plan A with Cricket would have been a nightmare. Even I was crabby and overwhelmed by 3 pm of the second waterpark/hotel day. I would have had to retreat with her often and just do our own thing, which I would have done, but I'm glad we avoided it overall. With two kids and two parents, we were able to give Dinosaur and Rhinoceros lots of one-on-one time. Those two. Dinosaur fears no waterslide. He spent the first day just getting in line time after time, riding every single one multiple times. Rhinoceros clung to me some at first, but found a red water cannon (because anything not the color red is dead to him) and warmed up to the wave pool.
I had B pick up Cricket as she tends to react more emotionally when I am there, but that does mean he wasn't as inquisitive as I would have been, so I'm not sure what all she did. When I called, Gina said she was sleeping well there and they were having a ton of fun. Cricket arrived happy and bubbly for about half an hour, then fell apart and cried until bedtime. This morning, more wailing, more aggression, but once we left the house, she seemed to click back into routine.
Court was today and the caseworker said the move to Gina would be in 30-45 days. I hope that is the case without much delay, because Cricket really needs to be there soon. I know it won't be easy, I know Rhinoceros will lose his favorite playmate (even if she is also his worst enemy), and I know Cricket will not understand where we've gone from her life and will be affected by that loss. But she really needs to be with her sister, and I hope being with her will help her heal. We're having her sister over here this weekend to give them a bit more time together and to thank Gina for being so flexible with providing respite. It's our first time having an elementary-school-aged foster child in the home. She's the same age as Dinosaur, so I'm already prepping him that she's coming to visit Cricket, and we should all give them space to just enjoy being together. We'll see how it goes!
*not her real name, but I can only type sister's grandmother so many times.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Caterpillar Update
I said in this post that I sometimes avoided looking at pictures of our former placements because I didn't want to feel how I miss them. That's part of it. If I'm completely honest, I avoid it also because it's tempting to look back on those placements as rosy and wonderful compared to the battleground I'm living in now. Don't get me wrong, God has us in this place for a reason and a good part of me is very glad we have Cricket. This is the kind of hard work we wanted to do. I love her deeply, and she needs our love. She needs us to stick with her. But a small part of me just wishes for the babies that looked up at me sweetly. Caterpillar is especially hard to think about because he was such a happy, easygoing guy with us. It was a pretty rosy life, and even B admitted it was hard to let that go.
That made listening to a recent voicemail extremely difficult.
The relative he moved to is having him moved, so they called us.
We have to say no.
1. We already said no to Cricket's siblings. If we had another child here, we should have one of her siblings, like her baby brother that's about Caterpillar's age. I can't justify keeping her apart from her siblings just to have Caterpillar because he's Caterpillar.
2. The reason we turned down Cricket's siblings still stands: Cricket needs a ton of attention. She and the boys are just now starting to have more frequent positive times together. Giving her less attention now would be a disaster.
3. Caterpillar is now linked to his sister who came into care later than he did (long story). They want a home for both, and she would not be a good fit for our family age-wise.
4. We don't have a room for him. He would need to be in our room and that has not been good for us as parents in the past.
I don't think the hardest part is saying no. I think the hardest part is feeling like all of this should have been avoided. He should have just stayed with us. The relative didn't have to take him. He will be moving to his fourth home before he turns a year old. Will it even be the last? I'm so scared of what that will do to this sweet, happy baby that I knew. My first reaction to the voicemail was a physical pain, just hurting for him.
My only choice is to trust that God hurts when we hurt for these children, and he knows better than I do. I had to go to work soon after this news and in the car every radio station was wrong for the particular pain I was feeling. B had a practice CD for gospel choir in the CD player, and two songs preached to me: one about God as a healer, and one about God being able. Thank You God that these are true.
That made listening to a recent voicemail extremely difficult.
The relative he moved to is having him moved, so they called us.
We have to say no.
1. We already said no to Cricket's siblings. If we had another child here, we should have one of her siblings, like her baby brother that's about Caterpillar's age. I can't justify keeping her apart from her siblings just to have Caterpillar because he's Caterpillar.
2. The reason we turned down Cricket's siblings still stands: Cricket needs a ton of attention. She and the boys are just now starting to have more frequent positive times together. Giving her less attention now would be a disaster.
3. Caterpillar is now linked to his sister who came into care later than he did (long story). They want a home for both, and she would not be a good fit for our family age-wise.
4. We don't have a room for him. He would need to be in our room and that has not been good for us as parents in the past.
I don't think the hardest part is saying no. I think the hardest part is feeling like all of this should have been avoided. He should have just stayed with us. The relative didn't have to take him. He will be moving to his fourth home before he turns a year old. Will it even be the last? I'm so scared of what that will do to this sweet, happy baby that I knew. My first reaction to the voicemail was a physical pain, just hurting for him.
My only choice is to trust that God hurts when we hurt for these children, and he knows better than I do. I had to go to work soon after this news and in the car every radio station was wrong for the particular pain I was feeling. B had a practice CD for gospel choir in the CD player, and two songs preached to me: one about God as a healer, and one about God being able. Thank You God that these are true.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Awkward moments in foster care: Sibling visits
I sent B with Cricket for her sibling visit yesterday. Part of me wanted to go out of curiosity of how it would go and to have more time to talk to another foster mom, but by the time he got home, I was ready to just stay home and have some time with the boys. The weather was lousy, so unfortunately they had to go with Plan B of dinner at a restaurant instead of a picnic at a park.
Cricket and her sister both had to go to the bathroom, so the other foster mom that was there took them to the ladies' room while B hung out with Cricket's baby brother. While they were gone, the server came to the table for something and started commenting on baby brother.
Server: What's his name?
B: Um... I don't know.
Server: How old is he?
B: 7 months? Sorry, we're foster parents and this is a visit for the siblings to see each other.
Server: (not quite understanding) Oh, that's so great they can still live together!
B: ...
For the record, B has been told baby brother's name several times, as I'd looked up his namesake (a minor celebrity) and showed B. But at the time, all B could remember was that he had a crazy name. So here he was, sitting in a restaurant at a table by himself with this baby, not knowing his name or age. Only in foster care?
Cricket and her sister both had to go to the bathroom, so the other foster mom that was there took them to the ladies' room while B hung out with Cricket's baby brother. While they were gone, the server came to the table for something and started commenting on baby brother.
Server: What's his name?
B: Um... I don't know.
Server: How old is he?
B: 7 months? Sorry, we're foster parents and this is a visit for the siblings to see each other.
Server: (not quite understanding) Oh, that's so great they can still live together!
B: ...
For the record, B has been told baby brother's name several times, as I'd looked up his namesake (a minor celebrity) and showed B. But at the time, all B could remember was that he had a crazy name. So here he was, sitting in a restaurant at a table by himself with this baby, not knowing his name or age. Only in foster care?
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Sisters and Dads
In the early days, I thought that Cricket was really attached to her baby brother, as she had a very big sister vibe to her. But with time, I've learned it's her big sister she really longs for. To make things more difficult, our state requires (unless a judge orders otherwise) three visits per week for Cricket's age group, but only one visit per week for her sister's. So, she is hopeful every time we go to a visit that she will see her sister, and every time she doesn't get to, she is disappointed and talks about wanting to see her before and after the visit.
Cricket is not really drawn to Dinosaur, who is near her sister's age, but whenever she's around a girl her sister's age, she lights up and follows her around eagerly. This is magnified when she sees a girl with her skin tone and similar hair. We have a few books with a girl that fits this description, and she always points her out as her sister. Though the funny part is that in one book she points out herself to be a toddler boy with pale skin, pretty much her complete opposite. It must be his size or that he has a big toddler grin like she gets.
This morning at church, it was my turn to help in the nursery, so I helped in her classroom. Then I decided staying the second service would be too much for us, but we could stay for a couple songs and see if she enjoyed it as she likes music so much, and our church is fairly lively. Before we went into the service, she spotted a girl that fit sister's type and went up to her eagerly. Thankfully the little girl thought Cricket was adorable and they chatted. Cricket kept telling me this was her sister, yet I knew she knew it wasn't true.
Then we went into the service, which she wasn't as into as I thought she might be, so we didn't stay long. But before we left, during a quiet moment she saw a family come in and, sure enough, another "sister" was spotted. "I see her!!" she shouted. I did manage to keep her from running over to her in the middle of the service.
Cricket also got nervous about a few particular people in church. Did they remind her of her dad? Someone else? I mentioned that visits have started with him. He was not parenting Cricket when she was removed. He claims her mom kept Cricket from him, and it was not by his own choice that he was not a part of her life. He was heartbroken when she reacted to him with fear at the visit. Later I realized I didn't do the best job of building a relationship with him as I was just trying to get out of there, but my focus was on Cricket and doing our goodbye routine swiftly instead of dragging it out.
We will see what happens with Cricket going to her dad or not, and I'm not sure how soon we'll know. I hope if she does, there is a good transition to help her feel more comfortable with him. What's so sad, though, is being with her dad means not being with her sister. They don't have the same dad. So the two short-term plans for Cricket are to move to a foster family that can take all the siblings or her dad, and those plans are in opposition with each other. I'm not saying one is better, just that it's sad that she can't have both. I'm also sad for her sister in general, as her foster mom is having her moved. Time is running out for that move, and I haven't heard anything about a foster family that can take all three, so she'll likely just be moved to another home where she isn't with her siblings.
Her foster mom also hasn't been very communicative about a sibling visit (without birth parents) that we're supposed to have this week. If she pushes back on our plans at all, I think I'll just offer to pick up Cricket's sister and bring her myself. Cricket really needs this time with her.
Cricket is not really drawn to Dinosaur, who is near her sister's age, but whenever she's around a girl her sister's age, she lights up and follows her around eagerly. This is magnified when she sees a girl with her skin tone and similar hair. We have a few books with a girl that fits this description, and she always points her out as her sister. Though the funny part is that in one book she points out herself to be a toddler boy with pale skin, pretty much her complete opposite. It must be his size or that he has a big toddler grin like she gets.
This morning at church, it was my turn to help in the nursery, so I helped in her classroom. Then I decided staying the second service would be too much for us, but we could stay for a couple songs and see if she enjoyed it as she likes music so much, and our church is fairly lively. Before we went into the service, she spotted a girl that fit sister's type and went up to her eagerly. Thankfully the little girl thought Cricket was adorable and they chatted. Cricket kept telling me this was her sister, yet I knew she knew it wasn't true.
Then we went into the service, which she wasn't as into as I thought she might be, so we didn't stay long. But before we left, during a quiet moment she saw a family come in and, sure enough, another "sister" was spotted. "I see her!!" she shouted. I did manage to keep her from running over to her in the middle of the service.
Cricket also got nervous about a few particular people in church. Did they remind her of her dad? Someone else? I mentioned that visits have started with him. He was not parenting Cricket when she was removed. He claims her mom kept Cricket from him, and it was not by his own choice that he was not a part of her life. He was heartbroken when she reacted to him with fear at the visit. Later I realized I didn't do the best job of building a relationship with him as I was just trying to get out of there, but my focus was on Cricket and doing our goodbye routine swiftly instead of dragging it out.
We will see what happens with Cricket going to her dad or not, and I'm not sure how soon we'll know. I hope if she does, there is a good transition to help her feel more comfortable with him. What's so sad, though, is being with her dad means not being with her sister. They don't have the same dad. So the two short-term plans for Cricket are to move to a foster family that can take all the siblings or her dad, and those plans are in opposition with each other. I'm not saying one is better, just that it's sad that she can't have both. I'm also sad for her sister in general, as her foster mom is having her moved. Time is running out for that move, and I haven't heard anything about a foster family that can take all three, so she'll likely just be moved to another home where she isn't with her siblings.
Her foster mom also hasn't been very communicative about a sibling visit (without birth parents) that we're supposed to have this week. If she pushes back on our plans at all, I think I'll just offer to pick up Cricket's sister and bring her myself. Cricket really needs this time with her.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Sibling sadness
Caterpillar's older sister came along for a doctor's appointment today. Caterpillar's grandma has guardianship of the sister, but they live in town and Caterpillar's mom spends a lot of time with her. She stares at me with big eyes. She didn't want to answer my lighthearted question. She plays and giggles some at Caterpillar, but there's an air of sadness. My interactions with Pterodactyl's brothers, including my visit to her home with her grandma had a similar tone. I wonder how they're doing with their new twin siblings, who will never live with them. Caterpillar's sister isn't as direct as they were to ask if her baby sibling can come home, but I see it in her eyes. I heard from Beetle's sister's parents and current foster parents that she had the same confused longing for her baby brother.
Recently Caterpillar's mom called and said his sister was upset about Caterpillar not being there, so she wanted to call and report that he was doing well. I usually let her calls go to voice mail and text or call back when I get a chance, but for some reason I answered this one right away, and I'm glad I did. I think of the sadness that Rhinoceros (and Dinosaur when he was younger) gets when he wakes up to find that B already left for work. We don't call him at work, but we have B leave orange juice out for the boys if they're not awake as a sign that he thought of them and did something for them.
But Caterpillar is a baby and can't do much to reassure anyone. I can give pictures that can be passed on, but that's about it. It breaks my heart that these little ones who are so little themselves are worried about their younger siblings, unable to picture that they're all right if they can't see that they're all right.
Sometimes the weight of sadness of broken families just sits on my shoulders.
Recently Caterpillar's mom called and said his sister was upset about Caterpillar not being there, so she wanted to call and report that he was doing well. I usually let her calls go to voice mail and text or call back when I get a chance, but for some reason I answered this one right away, and I'm glad I did. I think of the sadness that Rhinoceros (and Dinosaur when he was younger) gets when he wakes up to find that B already left for work. We don't call him at work, but we have B leave orange juice out for the boys if they're not awake as a sign that he thought of them and did something for them.
But Caterpillar is a baby and can't do much to reassure anyone. I can give pictures that can be passed on, but that's about it. It breaks my heart that these little ones who are so little themselves are worried about their younger siblings, unable to picture that they're all right if they can't see that they're all right.
Sometimes the weight of sadness of broken families just sits on my shoulders.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
"We know you're not licensed for two, but..."
This is the second time this month that a certain social worker at my agency has called and talked about how things are going in general, then slipped in a placement request. Sneaky.
So, Beetle will not be moving to grandma to join his sister, because the GAL visited grandma and wants the sister removed. Yikes. This means that his sister needs a home, and we already have the brother, so of course we got a call. And of course I want to say yes, but we decided to say no. (Well, okay, I wimped out and said please look for other homes that could take both and if you can't keep them together, call again.)
I don't want Beetle to leave, but it's not extremely compelling for them to both be here. Beetle has only had a week at home with us, and a week with me visiting in the NICU. It's not a bad time for him to move. I've met his sister at visits, and I would love to scoop up that cutie and bring her home, but there are at least three big issues. 1) She's almost 3, and we said we wouldn't have a foster child the same age as our bio children. We want to stay at least 6 months younger. 2) She has night terrors. As it is, we are taking turns holding Beetle all but one hour of the night. I literally do not know how we would be able to help her, too. 3) She's moved around a lot, and this will be another traumatic move. Beetle needs a lot of attention and has tons of appointments, so with that combined with the needs of our bio kids, and my part-time teaching schedule... we shouldn't do it.
I'm praying the right family is found for both of them. If not and they call again, this will be a hard one. Even though there are all the reasons above for not taking this placement, I've got a lot of love for Beetle from these two weeks and would like to see him through withdrawal if I can.
So, Beetle will not be moving to grandma to join his sister, because the GAL visited grandma and wants the sister removed. Yikes. This means that his sister needs a home, and we already have the brother, so of course we got a call. And of course I want to say yes, but we decided to say no. (Well, okay, I wimped out and said please look for other homes that could take both and if you can't keep them together, call again.)
I don't want Beetle to leave, but it's not extremely compelling for them to both be here. Beetle has only had a week at home with us, and a week with me visiting in the NICU. It's not a bad time for him to move. I've met his sister at visits, and I would love to scoop up that cutie and bring her home, but there are at least three big issues. 1) She's almost 3, and we said we wouldn't have a foster child the same age as our bio children. We want to stay at least 6 months younger. 2) She has night terrors. As it is, we are taking turns holding Beetle all but one hour of the night. I literally do not know how we would be able to help her, too. 3) She's moved around a lot, and this will be another traumatic move. Beetle needs a lot of attention and has tons of appointments, so with that combined with the needs of our bio kids, and my part-time teaching schedule... we shouldn't do it.
I'm praying the right family is found for both of them. If not and they call again, this will be a hard one. Even though there are all the reasons above for not taking this placement, I've got a lot of love for Beetle from these two weeks and would like to see him through withdrawal if I can.
Friday, January 24, 2014
"Is she your baby?"
I saw Pterodactyl today, for the first time since before Christmas, when she moved out.
I had some things to give her grandma, which I could have passed on through the agency, but I called her, hoping that I could just bring them by and then I could see Pterodactyl for a moment. I was initially going to go yesterday, but her grandma asked that I come today, since the caseworker was coming for a home visit anyway. I think she thought we would carpool, but I just went with it. I tend to communicate poorly on the phone and even more poorly when it's in Spanish, and agree to almost anything.
For awhile yesterday, I just felt like a mess. I was anxious, tense, jittery, building up more and more throughout the day. Then the plans were postponed until today, and I felt sudden relief. I hadn't realized it, but I have had this underlying tension of knowing that I would see Pterodactyl again sometime and not knowing how I'd feel. I miss her, more than I actively realize. Saying goodbye wasn't the heart-ripping devastation that I expected, but it affected me. Talking about this out loud with B helped me a lot, and I felt much better today, though still anxious as I drove there, and as I waited, as bad weather delayed her grandma. I feel a little guilty that I didn't cancel because it seemed like she'd had a really long day, but I really needed to do this today and move on. I only stayed 5 minutes, so hopefully I wasn't too much of a pain.
She looked the same as she did one month ago to me, just a little bigger. She is still the most serious baby I've ever seen, and stared at me, with her mouth a little open. It felt good to hold her and talk to her. She didn't smile (serious baby), but she did lift up her hand to touch my face. She did this once before, when I had her in child care during a foster care training, and she had been just miserable for them. I went to get her and brought her up to join me for the training in a baby carrier, and she just stared at my face, stared and stared, then lifted her hand to touch it. Like she was saying, "Oh yeah, you!" Maybe not an exclamation point; she's a little too serious for that.
What I hadn't considered is how my visit would affect her biological brothers, who also live with her grandma. The older asked me, "Is she your baby?" I can't quite remember the tone, if it was afraid that I'd say yes, or if it was challenging me. I reassured him that she was staying there, and I had just come to visit because she doesn't live with me anymore. Then the younger brother, who is 2 or 3, looked me in the eye and said something in toddler speak, but I believe the intended message was "Lady, she's ours. She stays here."
We talked about how she could come stay with us for an afternoon or evening sometime. I would like my boys to see her, too, but I didn't mention that. I got out of their way and gave her one more kiss, and drove home. Dinosaur and Rhinoceros were in bed but awake, and I gave them each a kiss. A kiss to the child that's not here anymore, kisses to the children that are.
I had some things to give her grandma, which I could have passed on through the agency, but I called her, hoping that I could just bring them by and then I could see Pterodactyl for a moment. I was initially going to go yesterday, but her grandma asked that I come today, since the caseworker was coming for a home visit anyway. I think she thought we would carpool, but I just went with it. I tend to communicate poorly on the phone and even more poorly when it's in Spanish, and agree to almost anything.
For awhile yesterday, I just felt like a mess. I was anxious, tense, jittery, building up more and more throughout the day. Then the plans were postponed until today, and I felt sudden relief. I hadn't realized it, but I have had this underlying tension of knowing that I would see Pterodactyl again sometime and not knowing how I'd feel. I miss her, more than I actively realize. Saying goodbye wasn't the heart-ripping devastation that I expected, but it affected me. Talking about this out loud with B helped me a lot, and I felt much better today, though still anxious as I drove there, and as I waited, as bad weather delayed her grandma. I feel a little guilty that I didn't cancel because it seemed like she'd had a really long day, but I really needed to do this today and move on. I only stayed 5 minutes, so hopefully I wasn't too much of a pain.
She looked the same as she did one month ago to me, just a little bigger. She is still the most serious baby I've ever seen, and stared at me, with her mouth a little open. It felt good to hold her and talk to her. She didn't smile (serious baby), but she did lift up her hand to touch my face. She did this once before, when I had her in child care during a foster care training, and she had been just miserable for them. I went to get her and brought her up to join me for the training in a baby carrier, and she just stared at my face, stared and stared, then lifted her hand to touch it. Like she was saying, "Oh yeah, you!" Maybe not an exclamation point; she's a little too serious for that.
What I hadn't considered is how my visit would affect her biological brothers, who also live with her grandma. The older asked me, "Is she your baby?" I can't quite remember the tone, if it was afraid that I'd say yes, or if it was challenging me. I reassured him that she was staying there, and I had just come to visit because she doesn't live with me anymore. Then the younger brother, who is 2 or 3, looked me in the eye and said something in toddler speak, but I believe the intended message was "Lady, she's ours. She stays here."
We talked about how she could come stay with us for an afternoon or evening sometime. I would like my boys to see her, too, but I didn't mention that. I got out of their way and gave her one more kiss, and drove home. Dinosaur and Rhinoceros were in bed but awake, and I gave them each a kiss. A kiss to the child that's not here anymore, kisses to the children that are.
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