I'm realizing that at least 90% of my awkward moments posts will probably take place in waiting rooms, like the last awkward moment I posted. Maybe this is actually part three, as one of my post about Pterodactyl's first doctor's appointment was one big awkward moment. I thought of renaming the series, but I'll just add an extra label "waiting rooms." I'm confident I'll be using that label again, as so much goes down in waiting rooms in foster care.
I brought Caterpillar in to a specialist appointment. His mom was already there, and we got right into talking about the paperwork and general chit-chat, as she is always very chatty with me. This continued for maybe ten minutes before we were called back. She stood up with Caterpillar, I stood up, and... some guy who had been sitting on the other side of the waiting room stood up, too.
Caterpillar's mom: "Oh, this is Stephen.*"
She later clarified (though I didn't really need her to) that this was Caterpillar's father. He had left the state before Caterpillar was removed. I don't think anyone involved in the case had met him. What did I say? "I'm glad you could come"? Did I not say anything because we headed back to the exam room? I was in too much shock for me to remember now. He definitely didn't know what to say either, though eventually he did say a "nice to meet you."
Crazy times, crazy times.
*not his real name
Showing posts with label doctor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doctor. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Awkward Moments in Foster Care - "Are you talking to me?"
Now that this blog post type has occurred to me, I'm sure I've got lots more to share from the past year. But here is today's awkward moment in foster care:
I was sitting in the waiting room before an appointment for Caterpillar. His mom was planning to come but hadn't shown up yet. The receptionist had to ask the doctor a question about an insurance issue and come back to talk to me, so when a woman came in, there was no one at the desk, so she sat down across from me, made some small talk as Caterpillar charmed her. The receptionist comes back and starts to tell me about what we're going to do, but the problem is, she makes eye contact with me and tells me something, then looks directly at the other woman in the waiting room and continues our conversation. The woman looks startled and says, "Are you talking to me?" The receptionist thought that she was Caterpillar's mom (they are a similar body type and skin tone, but nope). I didn't have to tell her she was wrong, but neither of us knew how to explain it to the woman without confidentiality issues. So the receptionist just finished the conversation with me, and I got out of there hastily.
Only in foster care.
I was sitting in the waiting room before an appointment for Caterpillar. His mom was planning to come but hadn't shown up yet. The receptionist had to ask the doctor a question about an insurance issue and come back to talk to me, so when a woman came in, there was no one at the desk, so she sat down across from me, made some small talk as Caterpillar charmed her. The receptionist comes back and starts to tell me about what we're going to do, but the problem is, she makes eye contact with me and tells me something, then looks directly at the other woman in the waiting room and continues our conversation. The woman looks startled and says, "Are you talking to me?" The receptionist thought that she was Caterpillar's mom (they are a similar body type and skin tone, but nope). I didn't have to tell her she was wrong, but neither of us knew how to explain it to the woman without confidentiality issues. So the receptionist just finished the conversation with me, and I got out of there hastily.
Only in foster care.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Crazy at home, a little bit of peace away
Last week I had a WEEK, and I wasn't sure how to post about it without telling more than I'm comfortable about Caterpillar's health. It had to do with a medication running out before I expected, his mom changing doctors without me being aware of it, and pharmacists questioning the medication he was being prescribed. Big ole mess, and I literally spent my week on it. There's not much I dislike more than phone calls that are needed to accomplish something, and there were a lot of them.
It's mostly resolved, but still an ongoing issue. Medical issues are complicated in foster care, and I know that mine aren't even close to how bad it can be.
I was so ready to get out of town with my family. We went to visit my parents, and my sister's family came over. We had travel permission and brought Caterpillar, who was cuddled and loved by all. He even slept all night there both nights, which is the first baby in my history of motherhood that has ever done that. Kids still keep us busy, but it was a good break from the speed life had gotten to around here. Dinosaur and Rhinoceros ran around with their cousins, the weather was great, and we ate lots of good food. And it was very good to see my mom, especially. After losing her mother in January, it's been a tough year for her.
I'm thankful there were no issues with travel permission. I called Caterpillar's mom when we got there and when we arrived back. In spite of my general dislike of the phone, I like these check-ins. It never feels right to go several days without talking to the mother or father of the child in my care. Sometimes that's because of their own choice or actions, but sometimes foster parents can initiate regular contact during the gaps. Even if there's not much to report, it seems right to me.
We'll see what the next week brings. I still need to follow-up with the medical issues. Caterpillar's aunt and uncle were in the agency office during one of the visits last week, presumably meeting with the caseworker to look into being relative providers. Maybe they will pan out, maybe not. Meanwhile, Caterpillar is drooling up a storm, starting to grab at toys a little more, and being a sweet sweet baby.
It's mostly resolved, but still an ongoing issue. Medical issues are complicated in foster care, and I know that mine aren't even close to how bad it can be.
I was so ready to get out of town with my family. We went to visit my parents, and my sister's family came over. We had travel permission and brought Caterpillar, who was cuddled and loved by all. He even slept all night there both nights, which is the first baby in my history of motherhood that has ever done that. Kids still keep us busy, but it was a good break from the speed life had gotten to around here. Dinosaur and Rhinoceros ran around with their cousins, the weather was great, and we ate lots of good food. And it was very good to see my mom, especially. After losing her mother in January, it's been a tough year for her.
I'm thankful there were no issues with travel permission. I called Caterpillar's mom when we got there and when we arrived back. In spite of my general dislike of the phone, I like these check-ins. It never feels right to go several days without talking to the mother or father of the child in my care. Sometimes that's because of their own choice or actions, but sometimes foster parents can initiate regular contact during the gaps. Even if there's not much to report, it seems right to me.
We'll see what the next week brings. I still need to follow-up with the medical issues. Caterpillar's aunt and uncle were in the agency office during one of the visits last week, presumably meeting with the caseworker to look into being relative providers. Maybe they will pan out, maybe not. Meanwhile, Caterpillar is drooling up a storm, starting to grab at toys a little more, and being a sweet sweet baby.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Blessed by Beetle
We said goodbye to Beetle this morning. I brought him to his weekly doctor's appointment, and his new foster parents and caseworker joined us (though late, as they had a mix-up on where it was), and he left with them. It wasn't the best news kind of appointment, either, as we decided Beetle had trouble with the last time his methadone dosage was decreased. He has consistently had withdrawal symptoms when he gets upset at times like diaper changes, with a high-pitched cry and arms and legs straight out, but he always calmed quickly when picked up. This past week, he takes several minutes to calm down even after picked up, and he's getting more upset, with his little chin trembling. So, his dosage wasn't decreased further, but still it's hard to then hand him off to a family that I know will be very loving, but hasn't experienced his symptoms or NAS in general.
Today's goodbye was a little different than our goodbye to Pterodactyl, as we with Pterodactyl we were together as a family. This time B and Dinosaur said goodbye before they went to work and school, and Rhinoceros said goodbye as we left the doctor's office. We did pray together for him this morning, so I think we'll just make that our constant in all our goodbyes: pray about the transition specifically and separate from usual bedtime or mealtime prayers. So far, Rhinoceros has asked where Beetle is more than he asked about Pterodactyl. Right when we got home, I was tempted to attack our giant mess of a house, but instead I sat and painted with watercolors with Rhinoceros, and this afternoon we have another activity that will help me focus some extra attention on him.
My favorite podcast did an excellent episode on saying goodbye, and one thing that has stuck with me is that many friends and family get that you're sad and want to comfort you, but talking about how you're doing isn't always comforting. I also find that I would much rather talk about what I loved about that child and what I learned. If I don't, I start to feel like they don't exist anymore, or that they are something I need to cry about and then get over. I was and still am blessed by Pterodactyl and Beetle. I am a better person for having been their mom. I'll write out why, even though this post is getting long. I can't keep it to myself today.
What I Learned from Beetle
This post happened to line up with a Counting Blessings link-up at Our Good Life. So, I joined in; hop over and join in, too!
Today's goodbye was a little different than our goodbye to Pterodactyl, as we with Pterodactyl we were together as a family. This time B and Dinosaur said goodbye before they went to work and school, and Rhinoceros said goodbye as we left the doctor's office. We did pray together for him this morning, so I think we'll just make that our constant in all our goodbyes: pray about the transition specifically and separate from usual bedtime or mealtime prayers. So far, Rhinoceros has asked where Beetle is more than he asked about Pterodactyl. Right when we got home, I was tempted to attack our giant mess of a house, but instead I sat and painted with watercolors with Rhinoceros, and this afternoon we have another activity that will help me focus some extra attention on him.
My favorite podcast did an excellent episode on saying goodbye, and one thing that has stuck with me is that many friends and family get that you're sad and want to comfort you, but talking about how you're doing isn't always comforting. I also find that I would much rather talk about what I loved about that child and what I learned. If I don't, I start to feel like they don't exist anymore, or that they are something I need to cry about and then get over. I was and still am blessed by Pterodactyl and Beetle. I am a better person for having been their mom. I'll write out why, even though this post is getting long. I can't keep it to myself today.
What I Learned from Beetle
- Babies with NAS (Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome) need extra care, extra note-taking, and extra time. But I didn't find it to be an entirely sad experience, as there is hope that he will come through all of this, and as I've learned through recent research, he may show few signs later on that he had a rough start.
- Being a foster parent of a baby in the NICU is a special and humbling experience. Something about all the wires and beeps and our daily short period of time together made me experience this new little guy differently than any of my other babies.
- Biological parents of foster kids can be appreciative and easy to work with. I had heard a few stories in which this was the case, but living it was a deep way of learning it. I really, really wish them the best.
- My biological sons get this pure joy from our foster babies that I couldn't have expected. They adapt easily and are resilient.
- Curling was the most common live Olympic sport at 4 am in my time zone. Also, Jimmy Fallon is a fun talk show host. (Those were my main sources of late-night viewing.)
- I am still selfish and wish I was sleeping at 3 am instead of giving Beetle the cuddles he needs. I am still short-tempered and snap at my older kids (and husband) much more easily when a baby is crying loudly. I need a lot more Jesus.
- Big bug eyes. This guy had wide, wide eyes that made you smile whenever he was alert.
- Old man hair. Babies bald on top with that little fuzz of hair around the ears and below just crack me up.
- His fascination with our voices. He loved when we talked to him, and my older boys loved lying down next to him on a blanket and chatting with him.
- Quiet snuggling moments. Okay, maybe not so particular to Beetle as pretty much all babies will curl up and sleep on you, but I just love the little weight of a newborn.
- His nicknames. I can't share them because they're from his real name, but for some reason, Beetle had the longest and funniest list of nicknames of any baby I've had.
This post happened to line up with a Counting Blessings link-up at Our Good Life. So, I joined in; hop over and join in, too!
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Thank God I'm not doing this alone
Me: I think I've hit a wall.
B: You know what that wall is called? Children.
Me: No, we can't call it that, because then I'm hitting the children!
I've been pretty chipper about how I don't enjoy middle-of-the-night newborn feedings, but I'm still myself during the day. Well... that ended on Saturday. I haven't been the nicest wife or mom. I've done a lot of apologizing. I did get a nap today and feel much more like myself. But Beetle is not a sleeper, at least not when he's not in our arms. We've done that drill before, but yep, never fun.
He's been at our home almost a week. In many ways, he's like a fussy newborn, which is pretty much the only kind of newborn I've known, to some extent or another. At the same time, there are differences from NAS. He almost never seems to totally relax. Even sleeping in my arms, he startles as soon as I stand up. He may settle back down, but he's always startling and fidgeting. He even cries in his sleep, not enough to wake him, but after he's done it 20 times in a row, I feel bad and pick him up. Or I'm tired and just want to hear less crying. I think he has some tummy troubles, too. He doesn't seem to really enjoy and relax for feedings like other babies, some arching of his back. He's still sensitive to noise and light, though I think he's getting used to it more. He did well at church this morning despite all the noise, but I had him in a wrap with his face hidden and I was standing and swaying, so I think that helped. And thank God for church. I almost turned back around because I had to park ridiculously far away and B was singing with choir, so I had three kids to get across a busy street and into church, two of them whining before I'd unbuckled them. I threatened to go home if they didn't stop, but I knew I was just being a mean, tired mom. More apologies. So glad we went in, as singing "You are the source of my strength" lifted me out of my weariness.
Life with a drug-exposed newborn can't be entirely predicted as babies can be so different from each other. Some have less drug exposure and don't need medication. Some, like Beetle, need to be on methadone after discharge. Some are sleepy. Some scream. Some are startlers (Beetle). I also wonder how much the support might vary. I also thought it would be good for potential foster parents of newborns with NAS to know that they're not just on their own! Here is the support we have had through extra care for Beetle:
B: You know what that wall is called? Children.
Me: No, we can't call it that, because then I'm hitting the children!
I've been pretty chipper about how I don't enjoy middle-of-the-night newborn feedings, but I'm still myself during the day. Well... that ended on Saturday. I haven't been the nicest wife or mom. I've done a lot of apologizing. I did get a nap today and feel much more like myself. But Beetle is not a sleeper, at least not when he's not in our arms. We've done that drill before, but yep, never fun.
He's been at our home almost a week. In many ways, he's like a fussy newborn, which is pretty much the only kind of newborn I've known, to some extent or another. At the same time, there are differences from NAS. He almost never seems to totally relax. Even sleeping in my arms, he startles as soon as I stand up. He may settle back down, but he's always startling and fidgeting. He even cries in his sleep, not enough to wake him, but after he's done it 20 times in a row, I feel bad and pick him up. Or I'm tired and just want to hear less crying. I think he has some tummy troubles, too. He doesn't seem to really enjoy and relax for feedings like other babies, some arching of his back. He's still sensitive to noise and light, though I think he's getting used to it more. He did well at church this morning despite all the noise, but I had him in a wrap with his face hidden and I was standing and swaying, so I think that helped. And thank God for church. I almost turned back around because I had to park ridiculously far away and B was singing with choir, so I had three kids to get across a busy street and into church, two of them whining before I'd unbuckled them. I threatened to go home if they didn't stop, but I knew I was just being a mean, tired mom. More apologies. So glad we went in, as singing "You are the source of my strength" lifted me out of my weariness.
Life with a drug-exposed newborn can't be entirely predicted as babies can be so different from each other. Some have less drug exposure and don't need medication. Some, like Beetle, need to be on methadone after discharge. Some are sleepy. Some scream. Some are startlers (Beetle). I also wonder how much the support might vary. I also thought it would be good for potential foster parents of newborns with NAS to know that they're not just on their own! Here is the support we have had through extra care for Beetle:
- NICU - Beetle was ever-so-slightly pre-term, so some of his care was related to that, and I don't have previous NICU experience to distinguish. He had a stay of 16 days, and I first knew of his existence on day 10. I visited daily and asked the nurses for tips for soothing him and caring for him. Some were especially helpful in explaining his scores and what to expect. I also met with his occupational therapist for instruction on feeding, as many babies with NAS have a lazy suck and tend to dribble or spit. The day he was discharged had lots of information from lots of people as well: the nurse went through an extensive binder of information that all babies from the NICU get, the pharmacist went over administering his methadone, the diet technician went over his formula (he gets a higher-calorie mix for now), the hospital social worker went over paperwork and some case information, and the doctor went over a lengthy report that gave me much more information about his birth and care than I got with Pterodactyl (who did not stay in the NICU). It was plenty of support and information, and from people who had been through caring for these babies before. At least three different hospital personnel made sure I knew to set him down to cry and walk away for a minute if I needed to, and make sure I was taking care of myself. In a loving way, not in a "foster parent are baby shakers" kind of way. And one nurse stood out to me as she strongly advised that B come in on the day of discharge and feed him and hear the same information. She wanted to make sure we were a foster family, not just a foster mom with a husband, because we would both need to pitch in for a baby like Beetle. B is a great support and loving guy, but I did need to hear that I should not just do all the hospital visit myself just because I'm more of a baby person.
- Weekly doctor visits - Beetle needs more visits because he is on methadone and will need to be weaned off of it. It took some doing to find who his doctor was going to be, but it worked out that he is seeing the same doctor I saw with Pterodactyl, and I like her. We've had one visit so far, and she will be setting up a plan to wean and keep on top of that with me. There was a possibility that we couldn't find a doctor that would follow up on babies on methadone and he would have to go to a separate clinic for those check-ups, but thankfully we connected with this doctor.
- Nurse home visits - I was asked by one nurse if we wanted ongoing home visits. I had no idea, but figured why not. I came to find out that he qualified for having NAS, and his Medicaid covers it. So now I have weekly visits from a nurse to be an extra set of eyes to check on how Beetle's doing as we wean him off methadone. AND I don't have to leave my house.
- Additional training - This goes back to January, but we attended a training session to learn more about drug-exposed infants, taught by a nurse who is also a foster parent. I knew some of the information from foster blogs or forums already, but it was good just to hear what to expect. It has also helped me refute myths for the closest friends and family that I tell about Beetle having NAS. No, not all moms who have drug-addicted infants make poor decisions during pregnancy. Some are on methadone under supervision by a doctor because that's safer than trying to quit. No, the long-term effects are probably not as scary as you might have read if the environment mediates them.
- Friends and family - It cannot be underestimated how much offered help means to me. I even took some clothes a friend was getting rid of that I didn't desperately need because I was just felt so encouraged to have help offered. One friend took Rhinoceros overnight to ease the load. Another took him while we had that long afternoon at the hospital while he was discharged. I went to a foster care support group mainly to use their childcare. And, of course, it helps just to have listening ears and prayers.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Fostering and newborns
We're still in a waiting mode. The transition for Pterodactyl to move to her grandma should be complete, but now we're waiting on some bumps in the road with child care that the grandma needs to have set up before she moves in.
When we decided to do foster care, I had never heard of anyone fostering a newborn that they didn't adopt. Our age range for fostering is 0-2, and our first placement happened to be a newborn. In listening to others and thinking of our own experience, here are some distinct experiences of fostering a newborn.
Lots of doctor appointments
Newborns are always at the doctor. Our agency even required an extra visit beyond what the doctor's office required. This makes the first month extra busy, because the first month of foster care is busy on its own, and then you have all these doctor visits.
Lots of birth family visits
In our state, birth parents have three hours per week of visits with children under three. These start as soon as possible, so I was bringing Pterodactyl to the agency at a little over a week old.
Child care complexities
Daycare centers won't accept infants younger than six weeks, so if you are working, you need an alternate child care plan that you can put into place immediately. Listening to others, some take leaves of absence, some have a family member or friend who can fill in for day care for six weeks. Many stay home. I kind of stay home. I have a part-time job three evenings per week while B is home with the kids, plus a few more hours that I do at home during naptimes or whatever. So, I am set up well to take care of a newborn at the drop of a hat, although it did get complicated when I took on a little extra work and planned on using a babysitter. Babysitters need to be cleared by the agency with a background check, and this didn't get completed before I started that work assignment. I had to call on some favors from people we had cleared and B took a day or two off.
Few questions for birth parents
For better or for worse, older foster children and even older babies are used to how they were cared for before arriving in your home. So, the first questions many foster parents ask birth parents if they get the opportunity is about how they took care of their kids: schedule, sleep, food, etc. I had the opportunity to talk to Pterodactyl's birth mom, but no questions. She had only parented her for two days. The way I cared for her quickly became the only thing she had ever known. This makes my job easier in some ways, but it adds a sad and difficult element. I am easily the expert on what Pterodactyl likes and dislikes. This puts me in an awkward position if I want to share helpful advice or even just tell about what Pterodactyl is doing lately. We both know it's not just two moms talking.
Extra-pitying reactions from non-foster parents
Whenever I say Pterodactyl's age or that we got her as a newborn, the reactions are strong and full of sadness. I'm sure the same people would be sad about any abuse or neglect, but with a tiny baby? I am also sad for Pterodactyl, but I'm also relieved that she didn't go home with her birth mom at birth, as much as I want her to go home with her eventually if she can. I don't want to start a conversation about her case that I can't finish, though, so I usually just stand there not really knowing what to say. I usually just look at Pterodactyl and stroke her hair.
Extra difficult early weeks
I mentioned before that when I became a foster parent, I had to face the fact that I'm rather selfish. This was especially true with mothering a newborn that I knew was unlikely to be a permanent part of our family. With the exception of buying tiny clothes and nuzzling my nose into a newborn's head, the newborn phase is not my favorite. I lose track of days and nights as time blurs together. Everything is guessing, guessing, guessing; is that normal crying, or is something's wrong? B has to help more during the night, and B gets tired and crabby. My downtime in the evenings is gone. All of these were true for Dinosaur and Rhinoceros as newborns, but there was something different. I don't remember picturing them walking in their graduation ceremony or riding a bike for the first time or making me a Mother's Day card when they were screaming their heads off at 2 am at five weeks old. But I must have, subconsciously. I kept looking at Pterodactyl while she cried, thinking, are we even going to see her come out of this phase? Are we even going to see a smile? Why are we doing this again? Though I don't like to admit it, it was damn hard. I would do it again, though I'm not sure how many times. B thinks he has a limit on the number of times he can go through the newborn phase. I think I do, too, but I don't think I've reached it yet.
She did smile, though. And as if she knew we hadn't learned our lesson yet that this isn't about us and babies entertaining us, she smiled rarely. She knows us and loves us, and yet she still gives us the "Are you people crazy?" look constantly. And we kind of have to be. She needed us to be.
When we decided to do foster care, I had never heard of anyone fostering a newborn that they didn't adopt. Our age range for fostering is 0-2, and our first placement happened to be a newborn. In listening to others and thinking of our own experience, here are some distinct experiences of fostering a newborn.
Lots of doctor appointments
Newborns are always at the doctor. Our agency even required an extra visit beyond what the doctor's office required. This makes the first month extra busy, because the first month of foster care is busy on its own, and then you have all these doctor visits.
Lots of birth family visits
In our state, birth parents have three hours per week of visits with children under three. These start as soon as possible, so I was bringing Pterodactyl to the agency at a little over a week old.
Child care complexities
Daycare centers won't accept infants younger than six weeks, so if you are working, you need an alternate child care plan that you can put into place immediately. Listening to others, some take leaves of absence, some have a family member or friend who can fill in for day care for six weeks. Many stay home. I kind of stay home. I have a part-time job three evenings per week while B is home with the kids, plus a few more hours that I do at home during naptimes or whatever. So, I am set up well to take care of a newborn at the drop of a hat, although it did get complicated when I took on a little extra work and planned on using a babysitter. Babysitters need to be cleared by the agency with a background check, and this didn't get completed before I started that work assignment. I had to call on some favors from people we had cleared and B took a day or two off.
Few questions for birth parents
For better or for worse, older foster children and even older babies are used to how they were cared for before arriving in your home. So, the first questions many foster parents ask birth parents if they get the opportunity is about how they took care of their kids: schedule, sleep, food, etc. I had the opportunity to talk to Pterodactyl's birth mom, but no questions. She had only parented her for two days. The way I cared for her quickly became the only thing she had ever known. This makes my job easier in some ways, but it adds a sad and difficult element. I am easily the expert on what Pterodactyl likes and dislikes. This puts me in an awkward position if I want to share helpful advice or even just tell about what Pterodactyl is doing lately. We both know it's not just two moms talking.
Extra-pitying reactions from non-foster parents
Whenever I say Pterodactyl's age or that we got her as a newborn, the reactions are strong and full of sadness. I'm sure the same people would be sad about any abuse or neglect, but with a tiny baby? I am also sad for Pterodactyl, but I'm also relieved that she didn't go home with her birth mom at birth, as much as I want her to go home with her eventually if she can. I don't want to start a conversation about her case that I can't finish, though, so I usually just stand there not really knowing what to say. I usually just look at Pterodactyl and stroke her hair.
Extra difficult early weeks
I mentioned before that when I became a foster parent, I had to face the fact that I'm rather selfish. This was especially true with mothering a newborn that I knew was unlikely to be a permanent part of our family. With the exception of buying tiny clothes and nuzzling my nose into a newborn's head, the newborn phase is not my favorite. I lose track of days and nights as time blurs together. Everything is guessing, guessing, guessing; is that normal crying, or is something's wrong? B has to help more during the night, and B gets tired and crabby. My downtime in the evenings is gone. All of these were true for Dinosaur and Rhinoceros as newborns, but there was something different. I don't remember picturing them walking in their graduation ceremony or riding a bike for the first time or making me a Mother's Day card when they were screaming their heads off at 2 am at five weeks old. But I must have, subconsciously. I kept looking at Pterodactyl while she cried, thinking, are we even going to see her come out of this phase? Are we even going to see a smile? Why are we doing this again? Though I don't like to admit it, it was damn hard. I would do it again, though I'm not sure how many times. B thinks he has a limit on the number of times he can go through the newborn phase. I think I do, too, but I don't think I've reached it yet.
She did smile, though. And as if she knew we hadn't learned our lesson yet that this isn't about us and babies entertaining us, she smiled rarely. She knows us and loves us, and yet she still gives us the "Are you people crazy?" look constantly. And we kind of have to be. She needed us to be.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Other firsts as a foster parent
I'm continuing to catch up on our foster journey so far before blogging in the present.
I thought I would go through a few firsts that threw me for a loop in my foster parenting experience so far.
First Doctor's Appointment
One lesson I learned is that if you call to make a doctor's appointment for a newborn placement and the office says that there is already one scheduled, find out who scheduled it. If a birth parent scheduled it, and you can still make that appointment, make sure the office knows not to cancel the appointment, that you will be there. In our case, Pterodactyl's mom had made the appointment at the hospital, and so when I called to make an appointment, I learned there was already one scheduled and planned on that one. Soon afterward, Pterodactyl's mom called to cancel the appointment, thinking that since she didn't have the baby, she wouldn't have that appointment. Then the caseworker told her to go at that time. This caused a bit of a mess of both of us showing up to a cancelled appointment, though luckily we were able to reschedule for later in the day and both make it back there. Not the best start for foster parent/birth parent interactions that are already awkward. The awkwardness continued, but this was actually the best interaction we have had so far. She asked about my boys and why I was doing foster care. I gave her as much time to snuggle her baby as I could.
I also learned:
This one caught me off-guard with sibling questions directed at me. "Can she come home with us?" I gave an answer that seemed appropriate to me, but wasn't cut-and-dry enough for a 4-year-old and the little guy thought I said yes. And the Grandma didn't understand English enough to intervene. IT was a moment of my heart sinking, wondering what I'd gotten myself into.
First Respite
We did not intend to use respite, but when Pterodactyl was only about two months old, she stayed at another home for the weekend. We had hoped to bring her with us on a trip to Canada to visit B's family, but it got complicated when her birth mom did not give permission and no one could overrule it because the agency didn't have her birth certificate yet. The caseworker suggested a family for respite, whom we had met in our training for becoming licensed. I felt conflicted; I would never leave my biological babies with someone else for a weekend at two months old. At the same time, we don't know how long we're going to be fostering, and we will need to sometimes make sure our family life has a high enough priority. The way our agency set it up, we called the other foster parents and arranged the details, paying them our part of the stipend. They were a wonderful respite placement, happy to take care of Pterodactyl.
First Questions from Strangers
These started immediately. Pterodactyl has dark skin; we have light skin. I got everything from people wanting to know where she was adopted from to people complimenting me on bouncing back from childbirth so quickly. It was especially awkward with a newborn newborn, as most people know that you don't have an internationally adopted baby that young, nor would you be just babysitting such a young baby. I also worried about confidentiality and tried to dodge people's questions about exactly how old she was and her birth date. I felt oddly exposed with all the glances and questions, and this is coming from someone who doesn't mind attention when pregnant. I'm still not entirely over it, and my reaction is often to share more than I need to. A library employee asked me if she was adopted, and I could just say no and let them guess at the rest, but instead I say, "No, we're foster parents." I'm not really supposed to label her as a foster child more than I have to, though at least with a baby, it's not like she understands it.
So, we've navigated our family through some firsts. Coming up sometime soon will be our first good-bye. Pterodactyl's grandma had obstacles that prevented her from taking Pterodactyl as a foster placement, but we learned this week that those obstacles are gone. The caseworker expects she will move to be with Grandma, but it could be anywhere from immediately to weeks. This will be a very difficult first good-bye. I know it would be harder had she been here for years, but four months still seems long enough that it's hard to imagine her not being here. She is not the easiest baby and very attached to me, and I'm worried about what she'll go through when she's uprooted from the only home she has known in her life. I don't say that as someone opposing the change, but I say it for what it is. It sucks for me, but it also sucks for Pterodactyl. But, as I've known from the beginning, foster care sucks. It's an unnatural system that has frequent feelings of wrongness. But that doesn't mean that Pterodactyl didn't need a home. That doesn't mean that there aren't more kids that need us to love and lose and hurt once again.
It's all wrong, but it's happening. We will face it only by the strength that comes from our God.
I thought I would go through a few firsts that threw me for a loop in my foster parenting experience so far.
First Doctor's Appointment
One lesson I learned is that if you call to make a doctor's appointment for a newborn placement and the office says that there is already one scheduled, find out who scheduled it. If a birth parent scheduled it, and you can still make that appointment, make sure the office knows not to cancel the appointment, that you will be there. In our case, Pterodactyl's mom had made the appointment at the hospital, and so when I called to make an appointment, I learned there was already one scheduled and planned on that one. Soon afterward, Pterodactyl's mom called to cancel the appointment, thinking that since she didn't have the baby, she wouldn't have that appointment. Then the caseworker told her to go at that time. This caused a bit of a mess of both of us showing up to a cancelled appointment, though luckily we were able to reschedule for later in the day and both make it back there. Not the best start for foster parent/birth parent interactions that are already awkward. The awkwardness continued, but this was actually the best interaction we have had so far. She asked about my boys and why I was doing foster care. I gave her as much time to snuggle her baby as I could.
I also learned:
- having a birth parent there is very important for getting family history written down
- getting a Medicaid number takes awhile
- telling office staff about confidentiality is important, as a receptionist checked the address they had on file by saying it out loud, not realizing it was Pterodactyl's mom's address. I made sure they put a note so they wouldn't do the reverse (tell a birth mom my address).
This one caught me off-guard with sibling questions directed at me. "Can she come home with us?" I gave an answer that seemed appropriate to me, but wasn't cut-and-dry enough for a 4-year-old and the little guy thought I said yes. And the Grandma didn't understand English enough to intervene. IT was a moment of my heart sinking, wondering what I'd gotten myself into.
First Respite
We did not intend to use respite, but when Pterodactyl was only about two months old, she stayed at another home for the weekend. We had hoped to bring her with us on a trip to Canada to visit B's family, but it got complicated when her birth mom did not give permission and no one could overrule it because the agency didn't have her birth certificate yet. The caseworker suggested a family for respite, whom we had met in our training for becoming licensed. I felt conflicted; I would never leave my biological babies with someone else for a weekend at two months old. At the same time, we don't know how long we're going to be fostering, and we will need to sometimes make sure our family life has a high enough priority. The way our agency set it up, we called the other foster parents and arranged the details, paying them our part of the stipend. They were a wonderful respite placement, happy to take care of Pterodactyl.
First Questions from Strangers
These started immediately. Pterodactyl has dark skin; we have light skin. I got everything from people wanting to know where she was adopted from to people complimenting me on bouncing back from childbirth so quickly. It was especially awkward with a newborn newborn, as most people know that you don't have an internationally adopted baby that young, nor would you be just babysitting such a young baby. I also worried about confidentiality and tried to dodge people's questions about exactly how old she was and her birth date. I felt oddly exposed with all the glances and questions, and this is coming from someone who doesn't mind attention when pregnant. I'm still not entirely over it, and my reaction is often to share more than I need to. A library employee asked me if she was adopted, and I could just say no and let them guess at the rest, but instead I say, "No, we're foster parents." I'm not really supposed to label her as a foster child more than I have to, though at least with a baby, it's not like she understands it.
So, we've navigated our family through some firsts. Coming up sometime soon will be our first good-bye. Pterodactyl's grandma had obstacles that prevented her from taking Pterodactyl as a foster placement, but we learned this week that those obstacles are gone. The caseworker expects she will move to be with Grandma, but it could be anywhere from immediately to weeks. This will be a very difficult first good-bye. I know it would be harder had she been here for years, but four months still seems long enough that it's hard to imagine her not being here. She is not the easiest baby and very attached to me, and I'm worried about what she'll go through when she's uprooted from the only home she has known in her life. I don't say that as someone opposing the change, but I say it for what it is. It sucks for me, but it also sucks for Pterodactyl. But, as I've known from the beginning, foster care sucks. It's an unnatural system that has frequent feelings of wrongness. But that doesn't mean that Pterodactyl didn't need a home. That doesn't mean that there aren't more kids that need us to love and lose and hurt once again.
It's all wrong, but it's happening. We will face it only by the strength that comes from our God.
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