Something made me stop and think the other day about how the dates lined up. Were we foster parents yet when Crocodile was born? I thought through the timelines, and no, we were a couple weeks away from being licensed.
So, I thought more about April 2013.
Dinosaur was 4. Rhinoceros was 2. I didn't have a child in elementary school yet.
We were stressing over licensing details, even though the process had been pretty smooth. What on earth could we have found stressful in that? It's hard to understand now. I was teaching in the evenings and B was working at his old company.
Pterodactyl, Beetle, and Caterpillar were not born yet.
Cricket was a couple months old. Was her sister taking care of her? Her grandma that had her own issues? Had she met Gina yet, her fictive kin "granny" that would eventually adopt her? What did she look like? I never saw baby pictures of her.
Crocodile was born. It would reveal too much of his story to tell what I know about April 2013 and Crocodile. It was a hopeful time following tragedy, but some were still tentative about that hope. And unfortunately that hope was fleeting. I have seen baby pictures of him, true newborn pictures that I was quick to save from Facebook and would later send on to his adoptive family. He looks like your basic newborn, and his face changed a lot from his newborn face. Still precious, though.
Now it's April 2017.
Dinosaur is 8. Rhinoceros is 6. They're both in elementary school. They have been big brothers to five children and said five goodbyes. They have helped, fought with, taught, played with, ignored, cuddled, and loved those five children.
I am teaching part-time during the day and B works at a new company, similar hours.
Pterodactyl, Beetle, and Caterpillar, and Tadpole are all 3 or 4 years old. I assume Pterodactyl and Beetle were adopted by the families they moved to, but was never told for sure. I am even less sure about Caterpillar. Tadpole was adopted by his foster family he was with when we did respite, and I've seen him several times since.
Cricket is 5. She has been adopted with her sister. She'll be in kindergarten this fall.
Crocodile is 4 and is living with his new parents and five sisters, two that were there when he was that newborn in April 2013. Hopefully they will finalize adoption this year. I wonder and worry about those hopeful people in his life in April 2013. I pray redemption is still ahead.
Showing posts with label beetle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beetle. Show all posts
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Thursday, March 17, 2016
When I met you
Some of my favorite, most therapeutic writing is writing about the kids themselves. I know part of it is because I have to keep so much confidentiality that I feel like I'm bursting to talk about them. Part of it is that I feel lonely in my deep love for them that doesn't go away, when it seems to me that they can be invisible to some of my family and friends. Some of it is just because it's amazing to watch them grow.
So, something made me think of the moment I met each little one, and I was itching to write them out, stories I may never get to tell the children myself.
Pterodactyl. You were in your bassinet, being checked by a nurse, and howling mad. I was trying to talk to your mother, who had asked to meet me, but now was crying and had nothing to say. I left the room and you were still crying. Later, you were wheeled into the conference room where I waited with the social worker, sleeping in your bassinet. I held you and we took pictures, though it was such a strange moment to take pictures. You had straight dark hair on your little forehead and looked so brand new.
Beetle. You were sleeping in your Mamaroo in your room in the NICU, a pacifier propped against your mouth. You weren't officially in our care yet, but I was allowed to visit. I remember being shocked at how tiny you looked, but actually you were a pretty average weight, just a tiny-looking guy. I think part of it was your huge eyes, still big and round in pictures I've seen of you as a toddler. I gave you a bottle and relearned bottle feeding to help you, trying to get as much in as I could. You definitely did not like having your diaper changed. The nurses helped me with your care and I said goodnight to you, leaving you in your room to see you another day.
Caterpillar. You were asleep in your infant car seat, little head of curls resting against the back. I remember my biggest concerns were some medical issues and getting information that was not being given to us, so my impression of you was fragility. This didn't last for long, as you were quite a content baby once you settled in a few days. But that first night, you woke up soon after CPS left and ate, but you looked tired and a little lost. It had been a long day.
Cricket. I picked you up, and when the door was answered, the person answering said, "this is her." You'd run up to the door, too, to greet me. You were busy, busy, busy while we got paperwork together. We unplugged a phone so you could pretend to call people. You had a toothbrush that played music, and you wanted to show me how you brushed your teeth right then, even though I didn't really know where to get a glass of water to help you. I didn't really know what to do and hadn't prepared myself for filling this time, but I followed your lead and you ran your little show for me. You were a driven little girl, right from the start. You fell asleep about two minutes after we drove away, exhausted from the night before, and I realized later a lot of the busy busy busy mode was really overtiredness.
Crocodile. You were terrified. I think about it and it still breaks my heart. You literally backed into a corner by the door, and then tried to leave with the social worker when she tried to leave. Your big brown eyes stared at us, chin lowered. We brought out some goldfish and fruit snacks, started up Daniel Tiger. You shook your little head no. We gently kept trying and finally you sat with me on the couch, kind of watching the show. Then you took the snack and relaxed a tiny bit, and the worker left. You wore a shirt with a saying on it that you still wear as much as possible, and though I can't stand the saying on it, I can't help but let you wear it. You slept only five hours that night, just quietly awake for long periods. With these first moments, I thought you would have a very hard time adjusting to our home, but you actually settled in quite well within a few days.
Every time, it was the start of a remaking of our family.
So, something made me think of the moment I met each little one, and I was itching to write them out, stories I may never get to tell the children myself.
Pterodactyl. You were in your bassinet, being checked by a nurse, and howling mad. I was trying to talk to your mother, who had asked to meet me, but now was crying and had nothing to say. I left the room and you were still crying. Later, you were wheeled into the conference room where I waited with the social worker, sleeping in your bassinet. I held you and we took pictures, though it was such a strange moment to take pictures. You had straight dark hair on your little forehead and looked so brand new.
Beetle. You were sleeping in your Mamaroo in your room in the NICU, a pacifier propped against your mouth. You weren't officially in our care yet, but I was allowed to visit. I remember being shocked at how tiny you looked, but actually you were a pretty average weight, just a tiny-looking guy. I think part of it was your huge eyes, still big and round in pictures I've seen of you as a toddler. I gave you a bottle and relearned bottle feeding to help you, trying to get as much in as I could. You definitely did not like having your diaper changed. The nurses helped me with your care and I said goodnight to you, leaving you in your room to see you another day.
Caterpillar. You were asleep in your infant car seat, little head of curls resting against the back. I remember my biggest concerns were some medical issues and getting information that was not being given to us, so my impression of you was fragility. This didn't last for long, as you were quite a content baby once you settled in a few days. But that first night, you woke up soon after CPS left and ate, but you looked tired and a little lost. It had been a long day.
Cricket. I picked you up, and when the door was answered, the person answering said, "this is her." You'd run up to the door, too, to greet me. You were busy, busy, busy while we got paperwork together. We unplugged a phone so you could pretend to call people. You had a toothbrush that played music, and you wanted to show me how you brushed your teeth right then, even though I didn't really know where to get a glass of water to help you. I didn't really know what to do and hadn't prepared myself for filling this time, but I followed your lead and you ran your little show for me. You were a driven little girl, right from the start. You fell asleep about two minutes after we drove away, exhausted from the night before, and I realized later a lot of the busy busy busy mode was really overtiredness.
Crocodile. You were terrified. I think about it and it still breaks my heart. You literally backed into a corner by the door, and then tried to leave with the social worker when she tried to leave. Your big brown eyes stared at us, chin lowered. We brought out some goldfish and fruit snacks, started up Daniel Tiger. You shook your little head no. We gently kept trying and finally you sat with me on the couch, kind of watching the show. Then you took the snack and relaxed a tiny bit, and the worker left. You wore a shirt with a saying on it that you still wear as much as possible, and though I can't stand the saying on it, I can't help but let you wear it. You slept only five hours that night, just quietly awake for long periods. With these first moments, I thought you would have a very hard time adjusting to our home, but you actually settled in quite well within a few days.
Every time, it was the start of a remaking of our family.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
They're all toddlers.
It suddenly occurred to me that all our current and former foster kids (except the respite placement) are in the age range of 2 to 3-years-old right now. It just happened that way, with short-term placements, infants first and then toddlers.
What if they were all in a toddler room playing together? Caterpillar would likely be the most chill, just watching the action. I'm pretty sure Cricket, Pterodactyl, and Crocodile would be having some serious drama over a toy. Lots of shouting from at least Cricket and Crocodile, with some getting in each others' faces. I don't have a good sense about Beetle, so maybe he can just chill with Caterpillar, look at some books, play with some cars. If they all had a race, Crocodile would win, but Cricket would be close behind, or possibly win if she could somehow distract Crocodile.
Now I'm picturing the year 2029, and by some magic imagination miracle, they're in high school together. Maybe it's a high school musical. Caterpillar can sing the lead, but Crocodile would have the best dance moves and could choreograph. Cricket would direct the show, possibly do costumes. Beetle works on the script.
These are fun thoughts to distract myself in a month that I'm trying not to worry about Crocodile's case.
What if they were all in a toddler room playing together? Caterpillar would likely be the most chill, just watching the action. I'm pretty sure Cricket, Pterodactyl, and Crocodile would be having some serious drama over a toy. Lots of shouting from at least Cricket and Crocodile, with some getting in each others' faces. I don't have a good sense about Beetle, so maybe he can just chill with Caterpillar, look at some books, play with some cars. If they all had a race, Crocodile would win, but Cricket would be close behind, or possibly win if she could somehow distract Crocodile.
Now I'm picturing the year 2029, and by some magic imagination miracle, they're in high school together. Maybe it's a high school musical. Caterpillar can sing the lead, but Crocodile would have the best dance moves and could choreograph. Cricket would direct the show, possibly do costumes. Beetle works on the script.
These are fun thoughts to distract myself in a month that I'm trying not to worry about Crocodile's case.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Maintaining relationships with former foster kids
We went into fostering knowing that we would have goodbyes. We hoped they would not be forever goodbyes, but we couldn't really know for sure. I think we knew it wasn't within our control, but some stories made me hopeful. Before our first placement, I think I pictured that we would have some kids who would reunify, then depending on the relationship with the birth parents, we could possibly stay in their lives. What I didn't picture is a move to a relative or another foster family, which has been every case we have had. It's similar that the relationship is not ours to control, but also different.
So, who have we seen? I saw Pterodactyl once and received pictures of her as a toddler. We haven't seen Beetle again, though his foster family did send pictures once. We have seen Caterpillar, but not in a planned sort of way. I've posted some about how I've gotten to see Cricket for play dates after she moved from our home. And though he was just here for respite, we've seen Tadpole, and I recently went to his adoption celebration. Looking at this list, we have had contact after kids moved, and I am grateful, sometimes for our sake and sometimes for theirs. However, it has not been simple and easy.
Sometimes new homes make promises that they don't keep. This has been especially hard on me. I really thought we were going to be a regular part of some of the kids' lives based on what new caregivers were telling me. I have had to work on forgiveness. I have had to put myself in their shoes, knowing they have a lot of their plate and are just busy. I'm not a fan of the phone, so I sometimes let slip those phone calls I know I should make. I'm not perfect either. Or maybe there's just something I don't understand that's a factor. I need to let those promises go, forgive and forget them.
Sometimes new homes do not even try for contact. I don't know if it's because they're busy. I don't know if it's because they have judged us in some way. I have to forgive and let this go.
Sometimes new homes do try, and it's still a bit messy. Every boundary has to be drawn differently for a former and new family of a child. I read stories in blogs of families taking kids for weekends, picking them up to give the new family a break, all celebrating together. This also set up high expectations in my mind, but in reality, the new family may decide that's not good for the child. Or even the therapist may get involved and suggest boundaries. I hoped we could have Cricket back at our house at some point, or take her for outings, but Gina and Cricket's therapists have been very cautious, as she is having a hard time understanding permanency and trust in Gina as a permanent caregiver. Thankfully, they also recognize that a continued relationship with us is still a good thing, but it has been different than I imagined.
It's hard to accept after all I've poured into a child that my eagerness to love and care for her could have a negative impact. I want to get defensive. I want to feel hurt. But I am grateful that we are still connected, that I get the chance to tell Cricket how special she is, how happy I am to see her. That Rhinoceros and Cricket can play together, with Cricket cheerfully barking orders at him, and Rhinoceros just thrilled to have his buddy.
I wonder if some of this is preparation. Maybe we will be the new home drawing boundaries someday, and I can tell the foster parents this: "I know how you feel. I know how wrong it feels to see someone else taking care of the child you have loved and poured into. I know how wrong it feels not to be the one who gets to say what the child needs, when you've met her needs minute by minute. We all love this child, and we should be gracious to each other, but mostly we need to just keep loving this child, even if loving this child looks different than it did before. And thank you for loving him."
So, who have we seen? I saw Pterodactyl once and received pictures of her as a toddler. We haven't seen Beetle again, though his foster family did send pictures once. We have seen Caterpillar, but not in a planned sort of way. I've posted some about how I've gotten to see Cricket for play dates after she moved from our home. And though he was just here for respite, we've seen Tadpole, and I recently went to his adoption celebration. Looking at this list, we have had contact after kids moved, and I am grateful, sometimes for our sake and sometimes for theirs. However, it has not been simple and easy.
Sometimes new homes make promises that they don't keep. This has been especially hard on me. I really thought we were going to be a regular part of some of the kids' lives based on what new caregivers were telling me. I have had to work on forgiveness. I have had to put myself in their shoes, knowing they have a lot of their plate and are just busy. I'm not a fan of the phone, so I sometimes let slip those phone calls I know I should make. I'm not perfect either. Or maybe there's just something I don't understand that's a factor. I need to let those promises go, forgive and forget them.
Sometimes new homes do not even try for contact. I don't know if it's because they're busy. I don't know if it's because they have judged us in some way. I have to forgive and let this go.
Sometimes new homes do try, and it's still a bit messy. Every boundary has to be drawn differently for a former and new family of a child. I read stories in blogs of families taking kids for weekends, picking them up to give the new family a break, all celebrating together. This also set up high expectations in my mind, but in reality, the new family may decide that's not good for the child. Or even the therapist may get involved and suggest boundaries. I hoped we could have Cricket back at our house at some point, or take her for outings, but Gina and Cricket's therapists have been very cautious, as she is having a hard time understanding permanency and trust in Gina as a permanent caregiver. Thankfully, they also recognize that a continued relationship with us is still a good thing, but it has been different than I imagined.
It's hard to accept after all I've poured into a child that my eagerness to love and care for her could have a negative impact. I want to get defensive. I want to feel hurt. But I am grateful that we are still connected, that I get the chance to tell Cricket how special she is, how happy I am to see her. That Rhinoceros and Cricket can play together, with Cricket cheerfully barking orders at him, and Rhinoceros just thrilled to have his buddy.
I wonder if some of this is preparation. Maybe we will be the new home drawing boundaries someday, and I can tell the foster parents this: "I know how you feel. I know how wrong it feels to see someone else taking care of the child you have loved and poured into. I know how wrong it feels not to be the one who gets to say what the child needs, when you've met her needs minute by minute. We all love this child, and we should be gracious to each other, but mostly we need to just keep loving this child, even if loving this child looks different than it did before. And thank you for loving him."
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
A glimpse of Beetle
I e-mailed the foster family that Beetle moved to. It had been a long time, as she hadn't responded to my last e-mail, and I have a hard time persevering in making contact. My personality tends toward feeling guilty to a fault for inconveniencing people. I was prompted to e-mail her as I saw Beetle had a new baby brother. The new baby went to a relative. I saw some pictures of the new baby via Facebook, and the NICU and wires all brought me right back to last January and February.
I got a reply within a day with photos of Beetle 11 months old, round and still bald and smiling. His foster brother has his arm around him, holding him in place, with his biological sister on the other side of the foster brother. The foster mom says they are closely bonded, happy siblings. I know their lives must have been insane when he moved in right after his sister had moved back in: a traumatized 3-year-old who had been in several homes, a newborn with NAS that was having intense withdrawal symptoms, plus their young biological son. The case is now moving toward adoption, though of course anything can happen.
I keep opening the e-mail, looking at those blue eyes, bright and full of life. It just blows my mind.
I got a reply within a day with photos of Beetle 11 months old, round and still bald and smiling. His foster brother has his arm around him, holding him in place, with his biological sister on the other side of the foster brother. The foster mom says they are closely bonded, happy siblings. I know their lives must have been insane when he moved in right after his sister had moved back in: a traumatized 3-year-old who had been in several homes, a newborn with NAS that was having intense withdrawal symptoms, plus their young biological son. The case is now moving toward adoption, though of course anything can happen.
I keep opening the e-mail, looking at those blue eyes, bright and full of life. It just blows my mind.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Our fostering year 2014 in a timeline
I enjoyed doing this recap of the year last year, so here you go again. So much can happen in one little fostering family in a year.
January 2014 - We started the year with no placements, taking a break after Pterodactyl left right before Christmas.
Early February - We get the call for Beetle, a two-week-old boy still in the NICU with NAS (drug withdrawal). I visit him in the NICU for about a week, then he comes to our home.
Mid-February - The plan for Beetle changes from moving soon to his grandma where his sister is placed to his sister being removed from that placement. We are asked to take both children, but decide not to. The sister moves to a former foster family.
Early March - Beetle moves to the foster family to be with his sister.
Early April - Beetle comes for a week as a respite placement.
Late April - Caterpillar, a 4-month-old boy, arrives at our home.
May - Pterodactyl's baby twin siblings are born. We were called during the pregnancy about taking them as a placement, but decided not to.
July - We learn that Caterpillar's mom's cousin should be placed with Caterpillar once daycare is in place.
Early August - Caterpillar moves to his mom's cousin.
Early September - Cricket, a 2.5-year-old girl, arrives at our home.
Mid-September - Cricket catches a nasty virus sending us to the ER, thankfully she recovers pretty quickly.
Late October - Adjudication for Cricket's case, first time that I attend court. There is a chance Cricket could go home to her dad immediately, but it doesn't happen.
Mid-November - We get a call that Caterpillar needs to move from his relative's home, as does his sister from her foster placement. We are heartbroken to answer that we can't take them.
Early December - Cricket's sister has been moved to a paternal relative (Cricket and her sister have different dads), and we learn that relative is working on getting licensed so she can take all three siblings.
Mid-December - We learn Cricket's mom is pregnant, and that Beetle now has a baby brother.
Christmas - We celebrate our first Christmas with a foster child in the home.
I can't believe how much we've experienced as parents in the last year. Reading back through my posts was an emotional experience; it's all just so much. It feels like it should be spread out over a decade. January was our only month without any fostering at all. So, 2015, what you got? Will Cricket move to the sister's relative, and when? Only God knows, and He's got the whole world in His hands.
January 2014 - We started the year with no placements, taking a break after Pterodactyl left right before Christmas.
Early February - We get the call for Beetle, a two-week-old boy still in the NICU with NAS (drug withdrawal). I visit him in the NICU for about a week, then he comes to our home.
Mid-February - The plan for Beetle changes from moving soon to his grandma where his sister is placed to his sister being removed from that placement. We are asked to take both children, but decide not to. The sister moves to a former foster family.
Early March - Beetle moves to the foster family to be with his sister.
Early April - Beetle comes for a week as a respite placement.
Late April - Caterpillar, a 4-month-old boy, arrives at our home.
May - Pterodactyl's baby twin siblings are born. We were called during the pregnancy about taking them as a placement, but decided not to.
July - We learn that Caterpillar's mom's cousin should be placed with Caterpillar once daycare is in place.
Early August - Caterpillar moves to his mom's cousin.
Early September - Cricket, a 2.5-year-old girl, arrives at our home.
Mid-September - Cricket catches a nasty virus sending us to the ER, thankfully she recovers pretty quickly.
Late October - Adjudication for Cricket's case, first time that I attend court. There is a chance Cricket could go home to her dad immediately, but it doesn't happen.
Mid-November - We get a call that Caterpillar needs to move from his relative's home, as does his sister from her foster placement. We are heartbroken to answer that we can't take them.
Early December - Cricket's sister has been moved to a paternal relative (Cricket and her sister have different dads), and we learn that relative is working on getting licensed so she can take all three siblings.
Mid-December - We learn Cricket's mom is pregnant, and that Beetle now has a baby brother.
Christmas - We celebrate our first Christmas with a foster child in the home.
I can't believe how much we've experienced as parents in the last year. Reading back through my posts was an emotional experience; it's all just so much. It feels like it should be spread out over a decade. January was our only month without any fostering at all. So, 2015, what you got? Will Cricket move to the sister's relative, and when? Only God knows, and He's got the whole world in His hands.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Fears of feeling
Sometimes I don't want to make contact with the families that Pterodactyl, Beetle, and Caterpillar are with now, because I don't want to fully feel how much I miss them. I think about them often, and it feels strange, like I've locked them away somewhere and I'm not fully letting myself remember them and love them. Even when I try and look at their pictures, it's a swirl of mixed emotions as I almost want to look away, to stop as soon as I can. I feel the pain of missing them, but it's the tip of the iceberg.
Sometimes I just feel helpless as Cricket asks again and again for her mom, her sissy. She used to talk about her granny, but does less now. Asking for them less just shows the loss in another sad way. These moments happen coming home from the grocery store, getting ready for naps. She tells me she wants them to come with us in the minivan at the end of the visit. I address the moments lovingly with Cricket, but my own heart stings. I bury these away, too, and it's just the tip of the iceberg again.
B says he wouldn't change how deeply I feel things because I makes me who I am. But I'm afraid of how I feel things. I'm afraid it will lead me to give up. I'm afraid it will turn me into someone I don't recognize because I haven't fully dealt with it all.
I just pray, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Help me, Jesus. Please don't waste this pain. And don't let me waste away in it.
Sometimes I just feel helpless as Cricket asks again and again for her mom, her sissy. She used to talk about her granny, but does less now. Asking for them less just shows the loss in another sad way. These moments happen coming home from the grocery store, getting ready for naps. She tells me she wants them to come with us in the minivan at the end of the visit. I address the moments lovingly with Cricket, but my own heart stings. I bury these away, too, and it's just the tip of the iceberg again.
B says he wouldn't change how deeply I feel things because I makes me who I am. But I'm afraid of how I feel things. I'm afraid it will lead me to give up. I'm afraid it will turn me into someone I don't recognize because I haven't fully dealt with it all.
I just pray, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Help me, Jesus. Please don't waste this pain. And don't let me waste away in it.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Beetle update
I recently e-mailed Beetle's foster mom just to find out how he's doing. I got a report that he was off methadone, through withdrawal, and much happier. They were comforting words to read, but nothing compared to walking in the door at our agency recently and seeing his little chubby face! Dinosaur and Rhinoceros were with me, and Dinosaur recognized him right away, though he has changed a ton. I'm glad they got to see him, too. I can't say what it was because he wasn't smiling or laughing at the time, but something about his expression and liveliness was so reassuring. His big eyes were telling me, "I'm doing better. The tough stuff in my life isn't over, but I really did make it through that part."
Sunday, April 13, 2014
What our placement calls are like
We said goodbye to Beetle on Saturday, his foster family home from their trip. When people ask how the week was or if we enjoyed the time with him, I have to say that mostly we're happy we could do this for his foster family, but the week itself was hard. Grueling. He really, really wanted to be held 24/7, and not even in a carrier sometimes (which is usually my lifesaver). However, I know deep down that the mundane moments of foster care have their own beauty, to hold a baby that needs us to make his life a little better.
As we wait for our next placement, and just said no to the call we got last week, I was thinking about placement calls. First, the process is probably different everywhere, but our county changed recently. Private agencies handle a large number of foster care cases, so they had them on a rotation of weeks: if it's your agency's week to be first in line, CPS calls them first, and they contact families. If they don't have anyone, CPS goes to the next agency on the list. While this is practical, it wasn't placing children necessarily with the best fit for a family, but the best family that the agency on call had. They also used a shelter for a temporary place for kids, and so "emergency placements" aren't really common here. Most agencies wouldn't call you after 11 pm, but just have the kids go to the shelter.
Now, CPS contacts on-call workers from all the agencies giving a profile of the child who was removed. The agencies have a short amount of time to find their best placement options, then they have a conference call and decide the best among all the options. They are also doing this at any hour, so the shelter will be much more rarely in use.
So, we're getting ready for our first 2 am call. They say they aren't very common, but I'm not convinced. I'm okay with being woken up, but I am a little concerned about making a good decision when I've just been woken up. Also, comparing the one placement call we've gotten since this change and the placement calls before, the new system seems to have the pressure of time. They've got to find someone quickly to make the conference call on time, so with our call last Wednesday, I barely got in a hello before I heard a string of information about the child, no time to find a pen.
I've been surprised at how I've responded to the calls. When we have said no, I have said it pretty quickly and firmly. I am usually an indecisive person, plus of course I want to say yes to every child, so this was not what I expected. B was about to say yes to one placement when I told him to stop and ask the birth date. Sure enough, though we were licensed 0-2, this child was almost 3, which at the time was older than Rhinoceros. That's a line we decided not to cross. I said no.
I have, however, felt bad about those words five minutes later and have to be talked down from calling back. But each time, I think my gut reaction, which has been set on the parameters we've set for our family, had been correct. It's so hard, though.
So far, I've made sure to consult B before saying yes, usually needing to call back. We've decided that unless there's some aspect of the placement that we haven't discussed and decided on, and the placement isn't anything we've already ruled out for now (more than one child at a time, older than or very close to Rhinoceros' age, known violent behavior or history of sexual abuse), I will say yes without talking to B. I know they want to find placements quickly, and I don't want to slow it down unnecessarily. The changes in the placement process have happened to avoid kids being in limbo longer than they need to be, and I want to help with that as much as we can.
As we wait for our next placement, and just said no to the call we got last week, I was thinking about placement calls. First, the process is probably different everywhere, but our county changed recently. Private agencies handle a large number of foster care cases, so they had them on a rotation of weeks: if it's your agency's week to be first in line, CPS calls them first, and they contact families. If they don't have anyone, CPS goes to the next agency on the list. While this is practical, it wasn't placing children necessarily with the best fit for a family, but the best family that the agency on call had. They also used a shelter for a temporary place for kids, and so "emergency placements" aren't really common here. Most agencies wouldn't call you after 11 pm, but just have the kids go to the shelter.
Now, CPS contacts on-call workers from all the agencies giving a profile of the child who was removed. The agencies have a short amount of time to find their best placement options, then they have a conference call and decide the best among all the options. They are also doing this at any hour, so the shelter will be much more rarely in use.
So, we're getting ready for our first 2 am call. They say they aren't very common, but I'm not convinced. I'm okay with being woken up, but I am a little concerned about making a good decision when I've just been woken up. Also, comparing the one placement call we've gotten since this change and the placement calls before, the new system seems to have the pressure of time. They've got to find someone quickly to make the conference call on time, so with our call last Wednesday, I barely got in a hello before I heard a string of information about the child, no time to find a pen.
I've been surprised at how I've responded to the calls. When we have said no, I have said it pretty quickly and firmly. I am usually an indecisive person, plus of course I want to say yes to every child, so this was not what I expected. B was about to say yes to one placement when I told him to stop and ask the birth date. Sure enough, though we were licensed 0-2, this child was almost 3, which at the time was older than Rhinoceros. That's a line we decided not to cross. I said no.
I have, however, felt bad about those words five minutes later and have to be talked down from calling back. But each time, I think my gut reaction, which has been set on the parameters we've set for our family, had been correct. It's so hard, though.
So far, I've made sure to consult B before saying yes, usually needing to call back. We've decided that unless there's some aspect of the placement that we haven't discussed and decided on, and the placement isn't anything we've already ruled out for now (more than one child at a time, older than or very close to Rhinoceros' age, known violent behavior or history of sexual abuse), I will say yes without talking to B. I know they want to find placements quickly, and I don't want to slow it down unnecessarily. The changes in the placement process have happened to avoid kids being in limbo longer than they need to be, and I want to help with that as much as we can.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
8th Day - Respite with Beetle
Whew, what a week. Beetle is really, really intense. Dinosaur is home for Spring Break when he's used to being at school all day. I'm subbing for two classes this week. We even got a placement call when I didn't think we were even on the list (we said no). It was hard to say no, but I figured if we were barely hanging on with Beetle this week, we needed to wait until he left to add someone new. That and if I told my sitter for tomorrow that she was now caring for four kids under 5 plus her own, she might have stopped returning my calls.
So here's the 8th day of April in this crazy week, starting with morning methadone for the baby.
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Morning tummy time with Beetle is a favorite activity.
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My kids' reality: I am the best mom ever for putting their snack on Luigi plates. My reality: there were no clean plates and these leftovers from a birthday party were the first thing I saw when looking for paper plates.
No foster care appointments today, so we did all the other errands.
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Sometimes I have a lovely devotional time with my 1 pm coffee, as all kids are resting/sleeping. Sometimes that lasts two minutes before it's obliterated by screaming and poopy pants.
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This seems like the most boring educational "game" website ever, but the kids eat it up.
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Finally our park is not covered in snow!!! Dinosaur and Rhinoceros already ran ahead to the merry-go-round.
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95% of my parenting success this day was in snack form. We did a reading of Fat Frogs on a Skinny Log while acting it out with pretzel rods, peanut butter, and green jellybeans.
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I'm still in work clothes, just home from work.
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Gathering materials for tomorrow's lesson on reading nutritional labels (I work in adult education).
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And sleep. Until my 2 am-onward shift with Beetle.
So here's the 8th day of April in this crazy week, starting with morning methadone for the baby.
Morning tummy time with Beetle is a favorite activity.
My kids' reality: I am the best mom ever for putting their snack on Luigi plates. My reality: there were no clean plates and these leftovers from a birthday party were the first thing I saw when looking for paper plates.
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No foster care appointments today, so we did all the other errands.
Necessary tool for survival.
Sometimes I have a lovely devotional time with my 1 pm coffee, as all kids are resting/sleeping. Sometimes that lasts two minutes before it's obliterated by screaming and poopy pants.
This seems like the most boring educational "game" website ever, but the kids eat it up.
Finally our park is not covered in snow!!! Dinosaur and Rhinoceros already ran ahead to the merry-go-round.
95% of my parenting success this day was in snack form. We did a reading of Fat Frogs on a Skinny Log while acting it out with pretzel rods, peanut butter, and green jellybeans.
I'm still in work clothes, just home from work.
Gathering materials for tomorrow's lesson on reading nutritional labels (I work in adult education).
And sleep. Until my 2 am-onward shift with Beetle.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Baby in my lap!
Beetle is here for respite! Dinosaur and Rhinoceros were all over him for the first hour, then moved on to whatever else it is they do.
He didn't look much bigger until we picked him up. Little guy has been growing just as he should!
Today is the lovely day that I'm not too tired from getting up with a baby to appreciate him. I tried to clean up the house and clear our schedules so we'd have an easygoing week, which is good, because he doesn't seem to want to leave our laps. He's still a fussy guy, but I love that I'm seeing some smiles!
He didn't look much bigger until we picked him up. Little guy has been growing just as he should!
Today is the lovely day that I'm not too tired from getting up with a baby to appreciate him. I tried to clean up the house and clear our schedules so we'd have an easygoing week, which is good, because he doesn't seem to want to leave our laps. He's still a fussy guy, but I love that I'm seeing some smiles!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Break, and Spring Break with Beetle!
I got an e-mail last week asking if we would do respite for Beetle during Spring Break in April. His new foster family had a trip planned and decided that travel and beach time might be pretty rough on him as he's still been very sensitive to light, noise, etc. Plus, I'm sure they'll enjoy giving Beetle's sister and their other child some extra attention since Beetle is pretty high maintenance. I'm excited to see how much he's grown in a month and love that we can still have a connection with this family. It makes me wish for the same kind of opportunity with Pterodactyl, but I need to remember to appreciate this in itself.
Because Beetle will be here for a week, and because I have some extra work hours that week subbing for a co-worker, we're going to wait to go on the call list until after Beetle leaves. I was tempted to just put ourselves on and see what happened, but I am reminded that not all families say yes in the same way and still can contribute a lot. We say yes to only one child at a time and only very young kids. But we are also saying yes to sticking with foster care for a long time. As our bio children get older, we'll say yes to older kids. If we stick to saying yes in a way that makes sense with this plan, we may be preparing ourselves to adopting an older child that otherwise would have never had a permanent family. B and I talked more about this on our drive back from my in-laws' house, and we can't say for sure what we'll do in every case, but we do want to carefully consider that there is a need for experienced foster parents and that there are many parents who would love to adopt young children from foster care.
Though we're still on a bit of a fostering break, I'm done with my online foster communities break. It was tough, but I'm glad I did it. I know I spent more time on my devotions and reading things on other topics. I spent my weekend with my in-laws talking, knitting, and playing with my kids. But I miss keeping up on all your stories, and I do find it lonely. Time with extended family can be especially lonely. I want my foster babies to matter to others, but the truth is that they won't, not in the way that they matter to me, or that their biological grandkids matter to them. It can be hard with some friends as well. I'm sure spending time with me and a baby that is definitely going to grow up with their baby is different than spending time with me and a foster baby that will leave any day. I know none of it is personal and it's not about me, but if I'm honest, I need my connections to foster parents, and I'm going to continue to need them. However, I know I can depend too much on online communities, and this last week was a good reminder that I need my connection to God and to depend on Him first.
Because Beetle will be here for a week, and because I have some extra work hours that week subbing for a co-worker, we're going to wait to go on the call list until after Beetle leaves. I was tempted to just put ourselves on and see what happened, but I am reminded that not all families say yes in the same way and still can contribute a lot. We say yes to only one child at a time and only very young kids. But we are also saying yes to sticking with foster care for a long time. As our bio children get older, we'll say yes to older kids. If we stick to saying yes in a way that makes sense with this plan, we may be preparing ourselves to adopting an older child that otherwise would have never had a permanent family. B and I talked more about this on our drive back from my in-laws' house, and we can't say for sure what we'll do in every case, but we do want to carefully consider that there is a need for experienced foster parents and that there are many parents who would love to adopt young children from foster care.
Though we're still on a bit of a fostering break, I'm done with my online foster communities break. It was tough, but I'm glad I did it. I know I spent more time on my devotions and reading things on other topics. I spent my weekend with my in-laws talking, knitting, and playing with my kids. But I miss keeping up on all your stories, and I do find it lonely. Time with extended family can be especially lonely. I want my foster babies to matter to others, but the truth is that they won't, not in the way that they matter to me, or that their biological grandkids matter to them. It can be hard with some friends as well. I'm sure spending time with me and a baby that is definitely going to grow up with their baby is different than spending time with me and a foster baby that will leave any day. I know none of it is personal and it's not about me, but if I'm honest, I need my connections to foster parents, and I'm going to continue to need them. However, I know I can depend too much on online communities, and this last week was a good reminder that I need my connection to God and to depend on Him first.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
8th Day - Family of four
I completely forgot about 8th day yesterday. Since trying to do this later in the month hasn't helped my memory, I'll probably switch to 1st day next month. We did go to the children's museum, though, so I have a few fun photos from that. I go here often with Rhinoceros, but going as a whole family was a special on-a-fostering-break treat.
My processing of Beetle's goodbye seems to be following the same phases as Pterodactyl's goodbye: Phase 1 - Sadness, Phase 2 - Tranquility. Going from three kids to two does feel like a breath of fresh air, even though I know I'll gladly do it again. But I really appreciate sleep. And spending time with my husband without baby and/or children on us. The last time Phase 3 was a bit of longing and loneliness, so we'll see how that goes. I'm going to try to keep a little busier this time, while still savoring the break.
Now B and I are hashing out what to do after this break, mostly regarding Pterodactyl's future little siblings. We're thinking long and hard about life with twin newborns. We might have more doubts, especially considering the strict safe sleep rules that make it nearly impossible to care for two babies and still follow said rules. If we decide to go ahead planning on that placement, we need to decide if we stay off the call list to make sure we have enough time off, or if we just stay on and see what happens. Only God knows what the future holds!
My processing of Beetle's goodbye seems to be following the same phases as Pterodactyl's goodbye: Phase 1 - Sadness, Phase 2 - Tranquility. Going from three kids to two does feel like a breath of fresh air, even though I know I'll gladly do it again. But I really appreciate sleep. And spending time with my husband without baby and/or children on us. The last time Phase 3 was a bit of longing and loneliness, so we'll see how that goes. I'm going to try to keep a little busier this time, while still savoring the break.
Now B and I are hashing out what to do after this break, mostly regarding Pterodactyl's future little siblings. We're thinking long and hard about life with twin newborns. We might have more doubts, especially considering the strict safe sleep rules that make it nearly impossible to care for two babies and still follow said rules. If we decide to go ahead planning on that placement, we need to decide if we stay off the call list to make sure we have enough time off, or if we just stay on and see what happens. Only God knows what the future holds!
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Blessed by Beetle
We said goodbye to Beetle this morning. I brought him to his weekly doctor's appointment, and his new foster parents and caseworker joined us (though late, as they had a mix-up on where it was), and he left with them. It wasn't the best news kind of appointment, either, as we decided Beetle had trouble with the last time his methadone dosage was decreased. He has consistently had withdrawal symptoms when he gets upset at times like diaper changes, with a high-pitched cry and arms and legs straight out, but he always calmed quickly when picked up. This past week, he takes several minutes to calm down even after picked up, and he's getting more upset, with his little chin trembling. So, his dosage wasn't decreased further, but still it's hard to then hand him off to a family that I know will be very loving, but hasn't experienced his symptoms or NAS in general.
Today's goodbye was a little different than our goodbye to Pterodactyl, as we with Pterodactyl we were together as a family. This time B and Dinosaur said goodbye before they went to work and school, and Rhinoceros said goodbye as we left the doctor's office. We did pray together for him this morning, so I think we'll just make that our constant in all our goodbyes: pray about the transition specifically and separate from usual bedtime or mealtime prayers. So far, Rhinoceros has asked where Beetle is more than he asked about Pterodactyl. Right when we got home, I was tempted to attack our giant mess of a house, but instead I sat and painted with watercolors with Rhinoceros, and this afternoon we have another activity that will help me focus some extra attention on him.
My favorite podcast did an excellent episode on saying goodbye, and one thing that has stuck with me is that many friends and family get that you're sad and want to comfort you, but talking about how you're doing isn't always comforting. I also find that I would much rather talk about what I loved about that child and what I learned. If I don't, I start to feel like they don't exist anymore, or that they are something I need to cry about and then get over. I was and still am blessed by Pterodactyl and Beetle. I am a better person for having been their mom. I'll write out why, even though this post is getting long. I can't keep it to myself today.
What I Learned from Beetle
This post happened to line up with a Counting Blessings link-up at Our Good Life. So, I joined in; hop over and join in, too!
Today's goodbye was a little different than our goodbye to Pterodactyl, as we with Pterodactyl we were together as a family. This time B and Dinosaur said goodbye before they went to work and school, and Rhinoceros said goodbye as we left the doctor's office. We did pray together for him this morning, so I think we'll just make that our constant in all our goodbyes: pray about the transition specifically and separate from usual bedtime or mealtime prayers. So far, Rhinoceros has asked where Beetle is more than he asked about Pterodactyl. Right when we got home, I was tempted to attack our giant mess of a house, but instead I sat and painted with watercolors with Rhinoceros, and this afternoon we have another activity that will help me focus some extra attention on him.
My favorite podcast did an excellent episode on saying goodbye, and one thing that has stuck with me is that many friends and family get that you're sad and want to comfort you, but talking about how you're doing isn't always comforting. I also find that I would much rather talk about what I loved about that child and what I learned. If I don't, I start to feel like they don't exist anymore, or that they are something I need to cry about and then get over. I was and still am blessed by Pterodactyl and Beetle. I am a better person for having been their mom. I'll write out why, even though this post is getting long. I can't keep it to myself today.
What I Learned from Beetle
- Babies with NAS (Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome) need extra care, extra note-taking, and extra time. But I didn't find it to be an entirely sad experience, as there is hope that he will come through all of this, and as I've learned through recent research, he may show few signs later on that he had a rough start.
- Being a foster parent of a baby in the NICU is a special and humbling experience. Something about all the wires and beeps and our daily short period of time together made me experience this new little guy differently than any of my other babies.
- Biological parents of foster kids can be appreciative and easy to work with. I had heard a few stories in which this was the case, but living it was a deep way of learning it. I really, really wish them the best.
- My biological sons get this pure joy from our foster babies that I couldn't have expected. They adapt easily and are resilient.
- Curling was the most common live Olympic sport at 4 am in my time zone. Also, Jimmy Fallon is a fun talk show host. (Those were my main sources of late-night viewing.)
- I am still selfish and wish I was sleeping at 3 am instead of giving Beetle the cuddles he needs. I am still short-tempered and snap at my older kids (and husband) much more easily when a baby is crying loudly. I need a lot more Jesus.
- Big bug eyes. This guy had wide, wide eyes that made you smile whenever he was alert.
- Old man hair. Babies bald on top with that little fuzz of hair around the ears and below just crack me up.
- His fascination with our voices. He loved when we talked to him, and my older boys loved lying down next to him on a blanket and chatting with him.
- Quiet snuggling moments. Okay, maybe not so particular to Beetle as pretty much all babies will curl up and sleep on you, but I just love the little weight of a newborn.
- His nicknames. I can't share them because they're from his real name, but for some reason, Beetle had the longest and funniest list of nicknames of any baby I've had.
This post happened to line up with a Counting Blessings link-up at Our Good Life. So, I joined in; hop over and join in, too!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
For all those so worried about my bio kids and fostering
This morning, Dinosaur and I were having a fun chat about what grown-ups do, and I asked him the usual "what do you want to do when you grow up" question. Most recently, his answer had been fix cars (one grandpa's career) and fix computers (dad's career).
But today he said, "I want to help people. And take care of a baby."
My eyes filled with tears. This is my son that has never tended toward helping or caring for others. He didn't say this after I gave birth to his younger brother. He said this after he saw that we take care of babies, and that this helps people.
I know they get less attention because we're busy with fostering. I know they feel the goodbyes with more confusion and hurt than they express. Beetle is scheduled to move one week from today (but you know how foster care goes), and I ache when Dinosaur declares how much he loves Beetle, and Rhinoceros asks "Where's Beetle?" But oh, what they learn. I need to remember to pray over these little guys, that their hearts grow, and they grow up to do much more to love others than I ever did.
But today he said, "I want to help people. And take care of a baby."
My eyes filled with tears. This is my son that has never tended toward helping or caring for others. He didn't say this after I gave birth to his younger brother. He said this after he saw that we take care of babies, and that this helps people.
I know they get less attention because we're busy with fostering. I know they feel the goodbyes with more confusion and hurt than they express. Beetle is scheduled to move one week from today (but you know how foster care goes), and I ache when Dinosaur declares how much he loves Beetle, and Rhinoceros asks "Where's Beetle?" But oh, what they learn. I need to remember to pray over these little guys, that their hearts grow, and they grow up to do much more to love others than I ever did.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Baby feet, baby tummy
No, that is definitely not my photography. A friend did a newborn session for Beetle for me at a discount. They're gorgeous pictures, and make me regret not doing this for Pterodactyl or even my bio boys. I was always too overwhelmed with the newborn stage to schedule anything like this, and balked at the cost, but at least I've learned my lesson. Beetle's mom is really excited to see them. I'm feeling especially happy about them. With a newborns in foster care, everyone tends to pity them, and it seems like their identities are a bit lost among their stories (or presumed stories). I feel like the photos really captured this funny little guy and gave me a chance to celebrate who he is now, even if we don't really get to know him as anyone but a newborn.
Beetle's sister moved to a foster family she lived with before. I'd been told that they weren't going to work out as a placement, but one way or another they changed their minds, and they'll be taking Beetle soon as well. No word on the timeline yet, so we may just have a few days, or a few weeks. I can understand either way: do they move him now before he gets older and more attached to us, or do they wait so that he has some consistency in care during withdrawal? I'm sure it's up to the foster family as well; I haven't met them yet. I have no idea if they were planning on this many kids, and I feel a bit sheepish that we said no to taking his sister, even though I think it was the right decision. We almost had Beetle's sister with us for this weekend for respite because things were still a bit up in the air Friday yet they didn't want her to stay with Grandma longer, but it worked out for her to go to the foster family right away. It was an afternoon rush of phone class and plans to move beds all around our house that ended with some relief that she wasn't coming after all. Now I'm extra relieved, because Beetle went from fussy to fussy squared.
Thank you to those that commented on reflux. I brought it up at his doctor's appointment last week, but didn't have many incidents of arching to report and we thought we'd just keep an eye on it. Well, he has been quite fussy the past few days, doing more arching, , more screaming at night, more inconsistent feedings. Sometimes I'm still not sure it's reflux because he sometimes just seems gassy, but it's something digestive. His birth mom was also concerned about it and wants him on the formula his sister was on. We'll be back at the doctor on Thursday, so hopefully we'll be able to ease the discomfort some then. B mentioned he read the comments, so now I know he's reading the blog. Guest post! Guest post!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
"We know you're not licensed for two, but..."
This is the second time this month that a certain social worker at my agency has called and talked about how things are going in general, then slipped in a placement request. Sneaky.
So, Beetle will not be moving to grandma to join his sister, because the GAL visited grandma and wants the sister removed. Yikes. This means that his sister needs a home, and we already have the brother, so of course we got a call. And of course I want to say yes, but we decided to say no. (Well, okay, I wimped out and said please look for other homes that could take both and if you can't keep them together, call again.)
I don't want Beetle to leave, but it's not extremely compelling for them to both be here. Beetle has only had a week at home with us, and a week with me visiting in the NICU. It's not a bad time for him to move. I've met his sister at visits, and I would love to scoop up that cutie and bring her home, but there are at least three big issues. 1) She's almost 3, and we said we wouldn't have a foster child the same age as our bio children. We want to stay at least 6 months younger. 2) She has night terrors. As it is, we are taking turns holding Beetle all but one hour of the night. I literally do not know how we would be able to help her, too. 3) She's moved around a lot, and this will be another traumatic move. Beetle needs a lot of attention and has tons of appointments, so with that combined with the needs of our bio kids, and my part-time teaching schedule... we shouldn't do it.
I'm praying the right family is found for both of them. If not and they call again, this will be a hard one. Even though there are all the reasons above for not taking this placement, I've got a lot of love for Beetle from these two weeks and would like to see him through withdrawal if I can.
So, Beetle will not be moving to grandma to join his sister, because the GAL visited grandma and wants the sister removed. Yikes. This means that his sister needs a home, and we already have the brother, so of course we got a call. And of course I want to say yes, but we decided to say no. (Well, okay, I wimped out and said please look for other homes that could take both and if you can't keep them together, call again.)
I don't want Beetle to leave, but it's not extremely compelling for them to both be here. Beetle has only had a week at home with us, and a week with me visiting in the NICU. It's not a bad time for him to move. I've met his sister at visits, and I would love to scoop up that cutie and bring her home, but there are at least three big issues. 1) She's almost 3, and we said we wouldn't have a foster child the same age as our bio children. We want to stay at least 6 months younger. 2) She has night terrors. As it is, we are taking turns holding Beetle all but one hour of the night. I literally do not know how we would be able to help her, too. 3) She's moved around a lot, and this will be another traumatic move. Beetle needs a lot of attention and has tons of appointments, so with that combined with the needs of our bio kids, and my part-time teaching schedule... we shouldn't do it.
I'm praying the right family is found for both of them. If not and they call again, this will be a hard one. Even though there are all the reasons above for not taking this placement, I've got a lot of love for Beetle from these two weeks and would like to see him through withdrawal if I can.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Thank God I'm not doing this alone
Me: I think I've hit a wall.
B: You know what that wall is called? Children.
Me: No, we can't call it that, because then I'm hitting the children!
I've been pretty chipper about how I don't enjoy middle-of-the-night newborn feedings, but I'm still myself during the day. Well... that ended on Saturday. I haven't been the nicest wife or mom. I've done a lot of apologizing. I did get a nap today and feel much more like myself. But Beetle is not a sleeper, at least not when he's not in our arms. We've done that drill before, but yep, never fun.
He's been at our home almost a week. In many ways, he's like a fussy newborn, which is pretty much the only kind of newborn I've known, to some extent or another. At the same time, there are differences from NAS. He almost never seems to totally relax. Even sleeping in my arms, he startles as soon as I stand up. He may settle back down, but he's always startling and fidgeting. He even cries in his sleep, not enough to wake him, but after he's done it 20 times in a row, I feel bad and pick him up. Or I'm tired and just want to hear less crying. I think he has some tummy troubles, too. He doesn't seem to really enjoy and relax for feedings like other babies, some arching of his back. He's still sensitive to noise and light, though I think he's getting used to it more. He did well at church this morning despite all the noise, but I had him in a wrap with his face hidden and I was standing and swaying, so I think that helped. And thank God for church. I almost turned back around because I had to park ridiculously far away and B was singing with choir, so I had three kids to get across a busy street and into church, two of them whining before I'd unbuckled them. I threatened to go home if they didn't stop, but I knew I was just being a mean, tired mom. More apologies. So glad we went in, as singing "You are the source of my strength" lifted me out of my weariness.
Life with a drug-exposed newborn can't be entirely predicted as babies can be so different from each other. Some have less drug exposure and don't need medication. Some, like Beetle, need to be on methadone after discharge. Some are sleepy. Some scream. Some are startlers (Beetle). I also wonder how much the support might vary. I also thought it would be good for potential foster parents of newborns with NAS to know that they're not just on their own! Here is the support we have had through extra care for Beetle:
B: You know what that wall is called? Children.
Me: No, we can't call it that, because then I'm hitting the children!
I've been pretty chipper about how I don't enjoy middle-of-the-night newborn feedings, but I'm still myself during the day. Well... that ended on Saturday. I haven't been the nicest wife or mom. I've done a lot of apologizing. I did get a nap today and feel much more like myself. But Beetle is not a sleeper, at least not when he's not in our arms. We've done that drill before, but yep, never fun.
He's been at our home almost a week. In many ways, he's like a fussy newborn, which is pretty much the only kind of newborn I've known, to some extent or another. At the same time, there are differences from NAS. He almost never seems to totally relax. Even sleeping in my arms, he startles as soon as I stand up. He may settle back down, but he's always startling and fidgeting. He even cries in his sleep, not enough to wake him, but after he's done it 20 times in a row, I feel bad and pick him up. Or I'm tired and just want to hear less crying. I think he has some tummy troubles, too. He doesn't seem to really enjoy and relax for feedings like other babies, some arching of his back. He's still sensitive to noise and light, though I think he's getting used to it more. He did well at church this morning despite all the noise, but I had him in a wrap with his face hidden and I was standing and swaying, so I think that helped. And thank God for church. I almost turned back around because I had to park ridiculously far away and B was singing with choir, so I had three kids to get across a busy street and into church, two of them whining before I'd unbuckled them. I threatened to go home if they didn't stop, but I knew I was just being a mean, tired mom. More apologies. So glad we went in, as singing "You are the source of my strength" lifted me out of my weariness.
Life with a drug-exposed newborn can't be entirely predicted as babies can be so different from each other. Some have less drug exposure and don't need medication. Some, like Beetle, need to be on methadone after discharge. Some are sleepy. Some scream. Some are startlers (Beetle). I also wonder how much the support might vary. I also thought it would be good for potential foster parents of newborns with NAS to know that they're not just on their own! Here is the support we have had through extra care for Beetle:
- NICU - Beetle was ever-so-slightly pre-term, so some of his care was related to that, and I don't have previous NICU experience to distinguish. He had a stay of 16 days, and I first knew of his existence on day 10. I visited daily and asked the nurses for tips for soothing him and caring for him. Some were especially helpful in explaining his scores and what to expect. I also met with his occupational therapist for instruction on feeding, as many babies with NAS have a lazy suck and tend to dribble or spit. The day he was discharged had lots of information from lots of people as well: the nurse went through an extensive binder of information that all babies from the NICU get, the pharmacist went over administering his methadone, the diet technician went over his formula (he gets a higher-calorie mix for now), the hospital social worker went over paperwork and some case information, and the doctor went over a lengthy report that gave me much more information about his birth and care than I got with Pterodactyl (who did not stay in the NICU). It was plenty of support and information, and from people who had been through caring for these babies before. At least three different hospital personnel made sure I knew to set him down to cry and walk away for a minute if I needed to, and make sure I was taking care of myself. In a loving way, not in a "foster parent are baby shakers" kind of way. And one nurse stood out to me as she strongly advised that B come in on the day of discharge and feed him and hear the same information. She wanted to make sure we were a foster family, not just a foster mom with a husband, because we would both need to pitch in for a baby like Beetle. B is a great support and loving guy, but I did need to hear that I should not just do all the hospital visit myself just because I'm more of a baby person.
- Weekly doctor visits - Beetle needs more visits because he is on methadone and will need to be weaned off of it. It took some doing to find who his doctor was going to be, but it worked out that he is seeing the same doctor I saw with Pterodactyl, and I like her. We've had one visit so far, and she will be setting up a plan to wean and keep on top of that with me. There was a possibility that we couldn't find a doctor that would follow up on babies on methadone and he would have to go to a separate clinic for those check-ups, but thankfully we connected with this doctor.
- Nurse home visits - I was asked by one nurse if we wanted ongoing home visits. I had no idea, but figured why not. I came to find out that he qualified for having NAS, and his Medicaid covers it. So now I have weekly visits from a nurse to be an extra set of eyes to check on how Beetle's doing as we wean him off methadone. AND I don't have to leave my house.
- Additional training - This goes back to January, but we attended a training session to learn more about drug-exposed infants, taught by a nurse who is also a foster parent. I knew some of the information from foster blogs or forums already, but it was good just to hear what to expect. It has also helped me refute myths for the closest friends and family that I tell about Beetle having NAS. No, not all moms who have drug-addicted infants make poor decisions during pregnancy. Some are on methadone under supervision by a doctor because that's safer than trying to quit. No, the long-term effects are probably not as scary as you might have read if the environment mediates them.
- Friends and family - It cannot be underestimated how much offered help means to me. I even took some clothes a friend was getting rid of that I didn't desperately need because I was just felt so encouraged to have help offered. One friend took Rhinoceros overnight to ease the load. Another took him while we had that long afternoon at the hospital while he was discharged. I went to a foster care support group mainly to use their childcare. And, of course, it helps just to have listening ears and prayers.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Foster brother love
This week is craaaazy with little sleep and lots of appointments. Plus I'm teaching 3 nights this week, whereas when Pterodactyl arrived, I was off work. It's not going to get easier, as we have 6 hours of training to complete this month, too. Couldn't that have been offered in January, guys? But we're doing okay, and I'm remembering that it's not about us, and not about getting recognition/pity that we're inconvenienced by this or that.
Now, on to a little story about each of my bio sons reacting to Beetle.
Rhinoceros likes to identify lately. "This is a coffee." "This is a sun." Heaven help you if he's wrong, and you wish to correct him. So, he saw Beetle tucked into my Moby wrap and identified, "This is a baby. This is Beetle." Later that evening, I was helping him with his pants and he patted my chest and looked down my shirt. I reminded him that this area is private, and he finally said, "This is a baby?" I figured out he thought I was somehow hiding Beetle down my shirt or inside my body.
Dinosaur loves babies, apparently not just Pterodactyl. He talks about how cute Beetle is and that he loves him. I had a few minutes before work and told him I had time to read him a book. He asked, "Can we read the book about Pterodactyl? I want to show it to Beetle." It was comforting to me to know that he's processing that the two babies have something in common: they come here, they're cute, and they leave, but we can still remember them. Maybe he hasn't connected all of that yet, but it seems he's working on it.
Dinosaur has also made a Mii on our Wii for both Beetle and Pterodactyl, joining about 50 others, as creating Miis is his favorite hobby right now.
Now, on to a little story about each of my bio sons reacting to Beetle.
Rhinoceros likes to identify lately. "This is a coffee." "This is a sun." Heaven help you if he's wrong, and you wish to correct him. So, he saw Beetle tucked into my Moby wrap and identified, "This is a baby. This is Beetle." Later that evening, I was helping him with his pants and he patted my chest and looked down my shirt. I reminded him that this area is private, and he finally said, "This is a baby?" I figured out he thought I was somehow hiding Beetle down my shirt or inside my body.
Dinosaur loves babies, apparently not just Pterodactyl. He talks about how cute Beetle is and that he loves him. I had a few minutes before work and told him I had time to read him a book. He asked, "Can we read the book about Pterodactyl? I want to show it to Beetle." It was comforting to me to know that he's processing that the two babies have something in common: they come here, they're cute, and they leave, but we can still remember them. Maybe he hasn't connected all of that yet, but it seems he's working on it.
Dinosaur has also made a Mii on our Wii for both Beetle and Pterodactyl, joining about 50 others, as creating Miis is his favorite hobby right now.
Monday, February 10, 2014
8th Day - Day before Beetle's arrival
The title is a little misleading, because Beetle HAS arrived, after a long day of meeting what seemed like half of the hospital staff. He's cuddled in B's arms as we watch the Olympics. My head is spinning with the number of appointments and arrangements that are going on.
But instead of blogging about that, I'm going to try to join in something I've seen at Journey to Josie, which is taking the same day every month and photojournaling it a bit. She does it with the first day of every month, but I usually don't realize it's a new month until it's at least the 5th. So, I tried documenting Feb. 5th and started to forget. So, the 8th it is! Every month I'll try to give you glimpses of our lives. My photography skills are not great and I try to not to show any faces of our family, so it might be a little strange, but I like the challenge.
Most days around here involve a dance party.
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But instead of blogging about that, I'm going to try to join in something I've seen at Journey to Josie, which is taking the same day every month and photojournaling it a bit. She does it with the first day of every month, but I usually don't realize it's a new month until it's at least the 5th. So, I tried documenting Feb. 5th and started to forget. So, the 8th it is! Every month I'll try to give you glimpses of our lives. My photography skills are not great and I try to not to show any faces of our family, so it might be a little strange, but I like the challenge.
Most days around here involve a dance party.
Before or after church, we almost always have a hot breakfast on Sunday. This 8th day: french toast, ham, pears.
I did some last-minute projects that I knew wouldn't get done with a newborn around, like recovering this glider.
Off to the NICU to visit Beetle
I came home to some serious Olympic viewing.
And later I added some knitting.
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