Language and foster kids

I am a language nerd.  I've studied linguistics.  My career involves language.  So, naturally the language of my foster children interests me, and in some issues, I've found myself fairly opinionated and passionate.

On the level of just interesting, having a child join your home (if they're old enough to talk) involves finding a common vocabulary.  People often talk about what children call foster parents, but beyond that there are words for favorite movies and songs, words for parts of the body and bodily functions, words for favorite foods.  And sometimes there are words you didn't know toddlers could know, possibly shocking your friend who is babysitting for the night.  With any kids there are surprises of "where did you hear that?" but with foster kids, it's to another level.

Now onto the level of opinionated and passionate for me. If your foster or adopted child is from a minority racial background, having a child join your home might involve a new dialect at some point.  The tricky part is that many people don't recognize these dialects as dialects, but just incorrect ways of speaking English.  Children are corrected in school, and sometimes at home.  Well-meaning parents want to make sure they are learning the "right" way to speak.  However, African American Vernacular English (AAVE, also known as Ebonics), for example, is a systematic way of speaking.  It is not the standard in many parts of society, but it is not just wrong English.  AAVE achieves many things: passing on cultural traditions, strengthening relationships, creating unique art, telling stories, preaching the gospel, etc.

So, my discussion with B was about whether to correct AAVE or not, assuming we had a foster child who either brought AAVE with them from family or chose it as they made Black friends and identified with them.  Some would argue that even if AAVE is valuable, it could limit them in education and employment.  My response is that if their teachers are mostly white (and even in the diverse school our kids attend, they mostly are) and if their foster parents are white (and we are), they will have extensive exposure to "Standard English" or "General American English."  They may need to be explicitly taught when to use it to their advantage, but they will have a pretty good idea of what it is.  As a foster parent, I would want to be intentional about painting AAVE in a positive light, even if it's different than how I speak.

If you have never thought about this issue, I highly recommend this video.  The guy's voice grates on me a bit, but the explanations and thought-provoking questions are excellent.  When I learned this information about AAVE years ago, I listened to people who spoke it with completely new ears.

And then there are foster children who don't just speak or adopt another dialect but speak another language.  And very few foster parents available who speak multiple languages.  How can foster children maintain another language if the foster parent speaks the language, and if they don't?  I am fairly fluent in one other language, but I haven't raised my children to be bilingual.  We did have one infant placement who had family that spoke the language I know.  I did talk to the baby occasionally in that language, but I wasn't sure if that was enough.  Should I be speaking only in that language?  Did it matter if the placement was short-term or long-term?  I'm still pondering a lot of those questions.

What issues of language have you encountered?

A survival guide to Black hair for Day One

So, you're called for a placement of an African-American girl.  Maybe you've read up on caring for her type of hair, but there are so many types of hair and so many different pieces of advice and styles.  Now that precious girl is in front of you with her fabulous but unfamiliar-to-you head of hair and you need to leave the house in an hour.  What do you do?

Disclaimer: I am white.  I am still learning.  I haven't styled a wide variety of hair types.  You need to find your source of wisdom that is not this white woman.  Having someone "on call" is a fantastic idea.  Please, any women of color reading, comment and correct me.  But I have gleaned a great deal of advice from Black women about basic styles that will help your foster child look cared for.  I have thanked those women outside of this blog because of confidentiality issues; they have been incredible.

The main idea is to fall in line with what is in your Black community, however small or large it may be.  In my community, the majority of Black girls* do not have free hair or hair just held back with headbands.  Where I live, I see that style almost exclusively with daughters of white adoptive parents or biracial daughters with white moms.  With daughters with Black parents, hair is commonly parted in medium or large sections and in twists or puffs, it is in box braids with beads, or it is in cornrows, possibly with beads.  If you've never paid attention to your community, be very intentional and do so.  And if it's anything like mine, starting with large sections in puffs or twists will get you through your first day.  Then you can build on that and get hands-on help or have someone braid for you.

Step 1: Prepare before placement with some supplies.  I base these on keeping hair from getting too dry using the LOC method and on the simple, surrounding-community-appropriate styles I want to achieve.  I'll put pictures of my examples (click the image to read labels more easily) but of course there are many, many options.  Go for cheap and basic, and you can always get more fancy and all-natural later.

1. leave-in conditioner
2. olive oil (you already have some, right?)
3. cream 
4. grease
5. gel
6. fine-tooth comb
7. wide-tooth comb
8. boar brush
9. clips for holding hair in sections
10. small rubber bands
11. "ballies"
12. barrettes

Step 2: Put on a movie.  Get out the snacks.  Candy.  Whatever you need to do.  I have listened to Frozen approximately 80,000 times.

Step 3: Spray wet and detangle the hair in sections.  Use the clips to keep track of what you have detangled.  Comb the hair with a generous amount of the leave-in conditioner using the wide-tooth comb.  Rub a small amount of oil on your hands and run your fingers through the hair.  Then rub the cream on your hands and run that through the hair, with your fingers like a comb.  Later, you'll want to do an entire washing routine, but this is day one or two, so I would skip that unless the hair is visibly very dirty.  Cricket came with hair that was fairly clean but in need of re-styling.  I thought washing was a priority and she was very upset about having her hair washed, as I did it differently than she was used to.  I wish I would have just held off a few more days.

Step 4: Part the hair using the wide-tooth comb in one long swoop, then put some grease on your finger and cover the part with it.  Go over the part again with the fine tooth comb. 

Step 5: Apply the grease to the section you've created.  Brush through the hair with the boar brush.  Spray again as needed.  Apply gel at the base of the section, then comb into a ponytail.  Wrap the rubber band (or two or three if it's a large section) around the hair.

Step 6: Repeat until all hair is in sections.

Step 7: Put on "ballies."  I do it the second way.

Step 8: Now you can twist each section or leave them as puffs, depending on the length of hair and what you want to do.  A puff is just a ponytail left loose.  I saw a school-age girl with one puff on top and the back split into two puffs, which is incredibly simple if you can just detangle, part, and secure it.  This also works well for babies (and don't forget to look at your community for how babies' hair is styled!).  But twists are very popular in my area, which involves just dividing the hair into two sections and twisting them together.  It can get more involved than that, but this will work for Day 1. 
See the YouTube channel in the link above for some more examples.  You can secure those with ballies at the bottom, or I find barrettes better for the length of hair I was working with.

I know this sounds like a lot of steps, but it will get easier, and it is worth the time.  You don't have to be perfect, but you can't just randomly attack with ponytail holders and barrettes or leave it free if that's not common in your area.  Take it from someone who had to face "you don't know how to do her hair" as the first words from biological family.

*I have less experience with noticing hair of Black boys, but most have hair cropped short, though some have cornrows.

Conversations with Young Kids about Race

This was the topic of a workshop I attended recently.  I drove a ways to attend it, but made it a priority.  Why?

• I've read the research that tells me I need to TALK to my kids about race.  "Everyone is made special by God" is not enough.  Putting them in diverse environments is not enough.  Research shows that these things will have minimal or even negative impact if not accompanied by conversation with adults about race.
• My kids talk about race.  Cricket and Rhinoceros pointed out skin color differences now and then.  Dinosaur has asked questions about segregation and discrimination.  He also caught me completely off-guard with one question.  He was talking about bullies at school and I told a story about being bullied.  He asked, "Did the bully have brown skin?"  And then I connected that he had called Cricket a bully (despite being half his age and size).  Had he somehow internalized that people with brown skin are mean or bad?  And if so, what do I need to do and how?

So, I went to the workshop and it further solidified what I mentioned above: we need to talk to kids about race.  A lot of background was given, unfortunately much of it repetitive for me because I've attended extensive diversity trainings through my education, jobs, and just by my own choice.  Thinking about internalized oppression and internalized privilege was interesting, and did help me see that I'm watching out for different things in my white kids and my kids of color.  The actual part discussing HOW we talk to kids was way too short.  But it did still give me some ideas and action steps.

• Use puppets to talk about skin color and differences.  I'm thinking I need to pick up a set of puppets with different colors of skin.
• Use skin tone crayons to talk about skin color and differences.
• Watch how I react when questions catch me off-guard.  I think my responses so far to some "yikes" statements or questions have been okay, but I know I probably get a bit of a too fast, too high-pitched voice.  And I need to add that it's okay to talk with me about skin color and any questions they have.
• Gather more toys and books representative of different colors of skin.  Yes, I bought Cricket dolls that looked like her.  But they left with her.  Why didn't I just have them in the first place?
• Do my own research on talking with elementary kids.  The workshop did not address this and this is where I see some of the most challenging issues.  How do I talk about racism and the reality of discrimination?  How do I bring up that if a person fits a stereotype, that does not mean that the stereotype is valid?

We're a work in progress around here in anti-racism.  Any resources or suggestions are appreciated!

Book reflections - My favorites for an African-American toddler

As Cricket joined our home, I gradually added to our library with more books that don't just include people with dark skin as a part of a diversity message (maybe I'll do a separate post on those), but feature them as main characters or families.  I thought I'd share a few that I've been very pleased with and that Cricket has enjoyed as a 2- or 3-year-old.





We already owned The Snowy Day, but she has really enjoyed it (likely because she's been here over the winter and our winters are SNOWY).  It is just a lovely simple story of wonder about snow.





This was a Christmas present to Cricket after I caught her singing the song to herself a few times.  The artwork is absolutely gorgeous, featuring an African-American family doing activities together.  It also connects globally and multiculturally at some points.  She likes to switch between telling me to read it and telling me to sing it.





Just a simple little book saying cute things about a kid's knees.  I find it nice and short to read on those days that we just need a quick way to connect, and she can see a body like hers talked about in a positive way.  She loves if I tickle her knees at the end of the book and say they belong to Cricket.


What are some of your favorites?

Book Reflections - In Our Own Voices

I want to write up some reflections on books for adults that have influenced my foster parenting, and books for kids that address some needs of foster kids in our home.  First up:

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories

Now, we are not adopting at this point.  But two things inspired me to pick up this book: conversations with B back when we were first considering adoption or fostering about how parenting a child from a different race needs to be tread carefully, and being prompted to listen to stories of people of color when learning about race issues.

B was surprised when I brought up some hesitations about parenting kids who weren't white like us.  I was a high school teacher for a time, and taught some students who were black and had been adopted by white parents.  I saw these students struggle seriously with their identity in a way that wasn't just usual adolescence.  One mom told me how her daughter called her from school and was talking to her the same way she did at home, then suddenly she switched into a totally different voice, attitude, and slang.  Their communication started to shut down, and finally, the mom asked, "Who is there with you?  Who are you trying to impress?"  I saw students feeling torn between their parents and families and black culture they were learning more slowly than they would have with a black family.  These and other experiences made me want to tell B that it's complicated; becoming a multiracial family isn't a positive end in itself, all holding hands in our family pictures, overcoming racial divisions just by being a multiracial family.

The book lays out some of the history of transracial adoption in the first chapter, especially the National Association of Black Social Workers' position that black children should be placed with black families, and the research that finds that transracially adopted children have mostly positive racial identity and outcomes.  Then many transracial adoptees' interviews are presented in the book.

My main three take-aways:
1) The perspectives of transracial adoptees are diverse.  I really enjoyed reading the wide range of experiences of transracial adoptees, from those who did not find their black identity to be very important in their lives, to others that it was very important and shaped their social circles, community involvement, etc.  However, almost all adoptees were supportive of transracial adoption, some hoping that more black families would adopt but accepting transracial adoption as a good alternative, and some without qualification.  It helped me form a picture of the perspectives my foster or potential adoptive kids could grow up to have.  Some kids may stick close to our family culture, and some may not.

2) Audio/visuals at a young age can be memorable.  Some of the adoptees had clear memories about whether they had dolls with dark skin, if African-American art or music was a part of their home.  While this was not a big focus of the book, I noticed it because our foster kids are so young that most cultural events, mentoring relationships, etc. are over their heads.  But it just helped confirm that the dolls and books I have around are very important, and that I could do more with music and art.  I love black gospel music and live a gospel choir, but don't really play the music around the kids (mainly because it annoys me when kid noise drowns out music).  For Cricket, maybe her stay is probably too short-term for it to make a big difference, but for a placement that stayed a year or more, I think that cultural connection could be a really formative one.


3) Boys have particular challenges.  I was aware of this, but reading more stories made it clear to me what I could face as a parent.  Kids who are viewed as cute suddenly become people to be feared.  And while a child may be raised to be just like their parents and not be anything like the stereotypes that others are fearing, the people who are afraid will see their skin, not their years of upbringing.  Race matters.  One parent was an advocate against a racist teacher.  I pray I would be wise enough to do the same.
The book left me encouraged that transracial parenting is a challenge that I, with God's help, could be up for.  We have some things in place, like a diverse church and diverse school.  I have a lot of experience in cross-cultural understanding and have studied racism quite a bit.  My shortcomings?  Our circles of family and friends continue to be very white.  One adoptee had godparents who were black and they were a huge support for the child.  I have many acquaintances who are not white, but no one close.  And having studied racism and multiculturalism a lot, it leaves me with a lot of head knowledge but not a lot of really grappling with tough issues personally.  That's some white privilege right there.
I highly recommend this book for thinking over what children who may be adopted at a young age might deal with when they reach teenage years and adulthood.  I think it is easy to pat ourselves on the back for creating a multiracial family with young kids, and not really visualize what family life will be like in 10 or 20 years.  Though we are fostering now and I feel our impact is more short-term on these issues, I do think there are things we can do actively to prevent a "black hole" of culture for kids.  I do think the book is very limited to kids who are black or biracial with some African-American heritage with parents who are white.  I would like to learn more about Hispanic and Asian adoptees.  I would love to hear what you've read on the topic!