Blessed by a break

Without fostering and work (I'm on break until the end of January), my life does not have its usual routine, and sometimes that can throw things off a bit.  But while there have been moments of blah, mostly I've happily bounced around making the most of this break.  I feel renewed, refreshed, and reconnected with my sons. 

Some of my blessings of being on a fostering and work break:

• I clearly have more time to blog.
• I got swept up in a great novel: The Girl You Left Behind by Jojo Moyes  It's nice not to be too tired to read and read when I love a book.
• More sleep is nice.  
• Less chaotic bedtimes and mealtimes are also nice.
• I can meet friends pretty much any time of day since I'm not planning around visits and baby naps, as Rhinoceros's nap is not 100% necessary.  Usually we went to our local children's museum during one of the weekly visits for Pterodactyl, as it's in walking distance from the agency, but we'd only have 45 minutes to spend there.  Last week we hung out there for 2 hours.  The kids had a blast, I chatted with mom friends who keep it real, and left very happy.
• I've had time to clean and organize, and I definitely needed to clean and organized.  It's refreshing.
• Winter weather is so much easier to enjoy without a baby.  When it hasn't been -10, we've gone sledding, played in the backyard, and Dinosaur tried ice skating for the first time with B.

And drum roll please...

• Overnight getaway with B tomorrow!!!  Yes, we could manage this while we have a foster child as well, but we knew it wasn't wise to hope it would work out while waiting for a new foster kid or adjusting to a new foster kid (who may not be okay with us going away).  My sweet brother and sister-in-law are coming over for their first overnight with the boys.

I'm also happy to feel like we're in a good place to go back on the call list on Monday.  We had chosen this date awhile back but with the understanding that we could delay it further if we were having a hard time with Pterodactyl's goodbye or just needed more of a break.  While we've been greatly blessed by this break, B and I were in agreement that it's time to get back into it.  Buckle up!

Join in and share your own blessings.  You can link up at a great fostering blog, Our Good Life.  (I think that's what I'm supposed to end this with.  Blog interactions are still new to me.)

Introducing Dinosaur

 Since we don't have any foster kids in our home right now, I thought I'd take a little time to write about my biological kids and how they've done with fostering.  I'll start with Dinosaur, our five-year-old.

5 Things about Dinosaur

1. He loves music and dance.  One of his favorite things is to turn on some music and make up his own dance moves.  Many of these are inspired by Dance Dance Revolution, another favorite of his.
2. He loves all things silly.  If you will rough house with Dinosaur, he will be glued to you for the rest of the time you're in his presence.  He is also big into silly rhymes and nonsense lately.  I'm a sucker for his big grin.
3. He knows his dates and times.  At age 2, Dinosaur became obsessed with clocks, finding them wherever we went and making clocks at home.  Before he was 4, he could tell time accurately, and he loves to live by a schedule.  If you need something to happen by 8:15, just tell Dinosaur to remind you when it's 8:15.  He remembers and focuses on dates as well, remembering when we visited family or what day his preschool started in Sept. 2012.  His memories are always expressed in his sweet and peculiar way, reciting how old people were and what day it was.
4. He loves school and reading.  Dinosaur did not look back when he went to preschool or kindergarten.  He likes the activity of it all, and I think he thinks it's all for him.  He has a fantastic kindergarten teacher and has just flourished there, reading far beyond what I expected him to at this age.
5. He is not big on empathy and conscience.  If I'm going to brag on my kid with most of these, I'll throw in a weakness.  I'm pretty sure no punishment or consequence has ever made Dinosaur feel bad for something he did wrong.  He is also pretty unaffected by others feeling bad, and has never been one to try to make people feel better.  Some of this is normal 5-year-old self-centeredness, but I really do think it's part of his personality as well.  I have a double dose of empathy and B has a... meager dose.  It's a good balance, so I hope Dinosaur finds his double-empathy match some day.

Dinosaur and Fostering

Dinosaur welcomed Pterodactyl eagerly and was enamored with her babyness.  He would baby talk to her constantly, sometimes in his own odd way ("It's so dark in your mouth!").  Every time someone came from the agency to our home or we dropped her off for a visit, he would inform all social workers, "She is such a cute baby."  This was a bit of a surprise to me, as when his biological brother was born, he ignored him as much as possible and acted out to get attention.  With Pterodactyl, he adjusted quite easily and happily.  He was a little too happy at times, and getting millimeters from her face and just not leaving her alone. 

Pterodactyl is black/Hispanic and Dinosaur and Rhinoceros are white with white blond hair and blue eyes.  Dinosaur processed a lot about skin color through Pterodactyl being a part of our family.  He attends a school with more than 50% non-white students, and our church is more racially diverse than most, but the immediacy of having her in our home brought up more conversations.  I think this was very positive, and while it wouldn't be a reason alone for us to foster, I'm grateful we had many opportunities to talk about race and people who look different than us.  He hasn't seemed to pick up the lessons we try to teach him about taking care of others and sharing what we have, but I'm hoping they will stick with him over time.

Probably the hardest part of foster care for Dinosaur was the ambiguity.  We tried to prepare him for our first placement, but we couldn't tell him on what day a baby or little boy or girl would come to our house, which doesn't sit well with his calendar obsession.  We tried to prepare him for when she would move, but first we thought that would be in June, then September, then October, then November, and finally in December we had one day's notice.  While I think that made it difficult for him to understand what was going on, he wasn't upset by it. 

Saying goodbye wasn't emotional for him, and he's been hard to read in this transition.  I've had to intentionally ask him how he's doing, or I don't know if he would have talked about her at all.  For the week after she left, he said he was sad a few times, and confused once.  This was all matter-of-fact, no tears, though the one that broke my heart was, "I want to give her a kiss."  He did love kissing her so much and she brought a little extra joy to his life.

He is looking forward to a new little one in the house (and of course wants to know WHEN), though there was still some confusion if this was a baby in my tummy and why we weren't getting a kid his age.  We've had lots of time for me to focus attention on him and his brother, as we had a week in Canada for the holidays, a week home during school break, and now school has been cancelled two days due to weather.  Then today he came down with a fever as well, so maybe I'll have extra time again with him tomorrow.  We may start to drive each other a little batty, but I think there's a reason God is giving me some extra time with my big little guy.

 

Our fostering year 2013 in a timeline

I've decided to recap the year of our fostering journey, a journey I didn't really know we'd be on a year ago.  Plus, I just know the process and fostering experience is so different for different people and locations that I thought it may be an interesting to share my year in foster care.

Early January 2013 - I bought five matching Christmas stockings in after-Christmas sales.  We had added to our stockings haphazardly and I wanted them to coordinate.  But what's the funny part about this?  We hadn't decided yet that we would have three kids.  This was still up for debate, though we decided for sure in the next couple of weeks.  I smiled as I put them up this year.  We're not a permanent family of five, but even in our in-between waiting phases, we're a family of five.

January 13 - B and I heard a sermon that strongly confirmed our feeling that we needed to do foster care out of obedience to God.  Read more here.

January 29 - We got our first response to an inquiry on foster parenting from the agency that we ended up getting licensed with.

February 14 - We had a one-on-one orientation session in our home with our agency.

March 8 - First half of training

March 14 - First home visit

April 4-11 - B and I took a fantastic 10th anniversary trip to the Dominican Republic.  It was an excellent combination of relaxation away from kids as well a bit of exploration and adventure.  And I'm so glad we made it happen before we got licensed.


April 20 - Second half of training

April 23 - Second home visit (I'm re-reading old e-mails to find these dates and I wrote to the licensing worker "I'm looking forward to the home visit tomorrow!"  I'm such a geek.)

May 8 - Licensed!  We were licensed for one child, 0-2.  It all felt so fast, with the few issues we encountered being very minor.

Late May - First placement call at 10:30 pm for a 2-year-old boy, and we are a nervous WRECK on the phone.  I asked his birth date and it turns out he was almost 3, which made him older than Rhinoceros.  We decided that was a dealbreaker.

Late May - Second placement call mid-morning for a newborn girl still at the hospital.  They are not 100% sure she is going into care as there is a relative that may be able to take her.  We say yes, and wait.

Late May - The next day, we get a call around 10 am that we need to be there to pick up the newborn girl by discharge at 11.  I meet her and her birth mom.  I bring home 3-day-old Pterodactyl.  Case prediction: she will move to her grandma soon.

Sometime in July - The move to her grandma is not happening.  We settle into this being a longer-term placement.

Late July - First time to court for adjudication.  I don't want to go into much detail here, but I thought I'd mention when it was just to give an idea of "a year in fostering."

Late September - The move to her grandma IS happening after all, but we're not sure when.

Late October - Second time to court, review.  Uneventful.

Late October - Family team meeting about Pterodactyl's move to her grandma.  The goal is set that the transition would be complete within a month.

Late November - The transition was slowed down by daycare issues.  We took Pterodactyl with us out-of-state for Thanksgiving.

Dec. 12 - I start making waves because the transition has no defined end still.  A deadline is set for her grandma to set up daycare.

Dec. 18 - Her grandma has not set up daycare.  Pterodactyl will stay with us indefinitely.

Dec. 19 - Her grandma HAS set up daycare.

Dec. 20 - Pterodactyl moves to her grandma at least for Christmas while we travel to Canada.

Dec. 26 - We get word that her move is official.

Whew.  Well, I couldn't have predicted any of that.  I wouldn't have guessed we would have a newborn.  I wouldn't have guessed we would spend more than half of the placement planning for an any-day-now goodbye.  But I don't write our story, or Pterodactyl's.  God is doing more than we can imagine.  For reasons I don't entirely understand, Pterodactyl needed our love and care in our home for 7 months, and now she needs to be with her grandma.

And 2014?  Who knows besides God.  We're taking another week and a half off at least before going on the call list.  Slowing down as a family of four has felt very, very nice.  But I've got a nursery with an empty crib, and five stockings ready for next Christmas.

Goodbye traditions: plans and reality

Merry Christmas!  A week ago we said our goodbyes to Pterodactyl, then left the next morning for Canada.  We spent Christmas with B's family, busy with the boys' little cousins, a little playing in the snow, a lot of church.  Pterodactyl never came with us on a trip there, so it felt mostly normal to be there with just the two boys.  I did miss her, and felt an emptiness at the way it sometimes felt like she had never been a part of our family.  We came home to a message that all was well with her placement with her grandma, and she will stay there as an official move.  So, I'm relieved that she won't have the back-and-forth I'd feared, but it's still a little unreal.  I kept thinking today that I should be taking her to her Friday morning visit.  Last night I found myself almost asking B if he had brought up the bottles for nighttime feedings.  It was a seven-month-old habit.

I thought I'd write up some ways we were intentional about our first goodbye, the plans and the reality.


Visual Reminders
I wanted to have visual reminders that Pterodactyl was a part of our family and borrowed two ideas that I liked.  A good friend of mine that's a foster parent made small canvas squares painted bright colors with a handprint done in white.  I had all the supplies ready back in November when I thought she was moving, and there they sat for two months.  So, last Friday I rushed to get it all ready, and Dinosaur wanted to be involved in the painting and choosing of colors.  Maybe I should have asked my friend what paint she used, as ours turned out a little more rough and sloppy.  I still like them, though now I'm thinking of redecorating the nursery so that a random selection of colors blends in a little better.  Left is Dinosaur, middle is Rhinoceros, and right is Pterodactyl.

Our other visual reminder idea comes from Karen at Nuggets from the Nut House: buying two Christmas ornaments, one to go with the child and one to decorate the tree for years to come to remember each foster child placed with us.  Hallmark happened to have the perfect ornament this year for Pterodactyl and her lovely chocolate skin.  I found it sometime in November and planned to get around to going to a store and picking it up, only to find that one should not wait for Hallmark ornaments.  Suddenly they were out of stock online, and as I called around, five local stores were sold out.  I found one with two remaining ornaments and made sure the clerk put them aside for me to pick up ASAP.  What I didn't expect with this tradition is how it would help my bio kids process the goodbye.  I showed Dinosaur how we wrapped up one ornament to go with Pterodactyl and open with her grandma.  Then I told him when Pterodactyl is older and asks about the ornament, her grandma could tell her about us and how we loved her and took care of her.  I can't promise that this will actually happen, but Dinosaur soaked it up and seemed very comforted by the possibility.

Pictures
I planned to have a photobook of Pterodactyl to give to her grandma (and print an extra for us to keep), and a family picture of us including Pterodactyl taken close to when she moved.  Well, the book is mostly up-to-date, but since we only had a day's notice she was going to her grandma and then went out of town, I still need to finish it and print it.  We did manage a family picture by the Christmas tree, but we had to use the camera on a timer and ended up with one with the flash that makes us look a bit washed out and scary, and one without the flash in which I'm blurry.  Oh well, they'll do.


Goodbye Celebration
We hoped to invite friends and my brother and sister-in-law (the only family that lives nearby) over to have a little goodbye open house with dessert and a chance to see Pterodactyl before she moved.  Yeah, this didn't happen due to short notice.  I've had to just send e-mail updates with pictures and that will have to be enough.  Most did know that anytime they saw her in the past two months could be the last, so I don't think anyone was blindsided by it.  I think a party would have been good for Dinosaur and Rhinoceros to understand what was happening, though.

Taking a Day Off
We had hoped that we would be able to take a day off when a foster child moved, so that we could all be there for the goodbye and just to make sure we had enough family time.  By coincidence, B had taken the day off because he had some paid days off to use up before the new year, I didn't work that day, and Dinosaur's school was closed because of an ice storm.  So, that made it easy!  We were all there to say goodbye, though I had the boys just say goodbye from the minivan.  Everyone got to give a kiss, and we drove home.  Then the power went out at our house shortly before bedtime, and instead of drowning my mixed emotions in internet and TV, I finished wrapping gifts by lantern light and read with candles and silence.  I didn't know I needed that silence, but it was peaceful.  And I liked imagining that the house was acknowledging something had changed and decided to shut things off for awhile.

A quick... goodbye?

Ohmygoodness.

After all was a sure thing Wednesday, and I sent out an update to our families, Thursday night I got home from work and B asked me if I wanted the emotional rollercoaster news or the funny news.  The funny news was that our eccentric neighbor that has been giving us unusual gifts* gave us a ham.

The rollercoaster news was that Pterodactyl's grandma has daycare.  And she's going there for Christmas.

Why did she miss the deadline?  Was it a misunderstanding?  Did it take that much for her to realize she was really losing her granddaughter?  She is going to be making some sacrifices so that she can have her.  I know she loves her, and I know this is right.  I especially think of her biological brothers, who her grandma has adopted.  The oldest especially has been through a lot of loss and trauma.  To have his baby sister as a gift for Christmas... who can argue with that.

The rollercoaster was irritating and stressful, but the way it all went down, my somber mood on Wednesday with the news she was staying turned into a all-out sob later that night, just a catharsis of all the will-she-or-won't-she-go emotions.  So, the actual goodbye news and goodbye were fairly tearless.  I'd already let it out, even if it was for a different reason.  I've had this happen before with work.  Without going into the long stories, three times as a teacher I was laid off, and each time it was a long will-I-have-a-job-or-won't-I saga, changing all the time.  Every time I ended up with a job at the end, but one of the times when my principal told me that news, I just started crying uncontrollably.  Catharsis.  Hey, at least my family is used to such "nevermind!" sorts of updates.

So, the question mark on the goodbye.  The news wasn't that Pterodactyl is moving... yet.  The caseworker's plan was for her to go to Grandma while we were gone, then she would come here for a short time, then she would move there.  After some time to think, we didn't think that the back-and-forth was best for Pterodactyl.  A transition is one thing, but almost a week in a home, then back for a week (or who knows how long), then back to the other home... she can't explain that this makes it more difficult for her, but I know it would. She would just be settling in, then leaving, then leaving again.  So, we asked if she could move right now.  The caseworker said that wasn't possible for agency-related reasons, but when we get back, it would be possible for her to stay there and make the move official then, without coming back to us.  So, that part is still up in the air, but if she's back, it's for a visit.  We decided it was a goodbye.

I'll write more on the day saying goodbye later, but we need to get on the road soon to Canada and the kids are waking up.

*The first was a public-bathroom-sized refill of antibacterial soap.  Like a huge bag that fits in a dispenser.  He said, "With kids, you need a lot of soap!"

No goodbye for awhile

The Call the Supervisor strategy certainly got things going.  Not only did work start on travel plans, but Pterodactyl's grandma was given a deadline to get child care in order, since this transition was weeks past the original plan. 

She didn't meet the deadline.  Pterodactyl stays here.

Lots of emotions here.  I'm disappointed that she's not with her biological family (more besides just the grandma) for this reason.  That disappointment can flare up as anger if I let it.  I'm worn out from spending most of this placement thinking she was going to move there.  I'm fearful of the future, because somehow knowing she was moving to a relative soon was safer than the possibility that she could be with us for a very long time and then leave.  Her case has a goal of reunification and I predict it'll be a long and messy one.  I'm happy, entertaining thoughts that I'd shelved to the back of my mind as improbabilities: celebrating Christmas with her, using Spanish around her and maybe having my first bilingual baby, getting professional pictures of her

I think it all simmers together to set a somber mood for me.  If the news today was that she was leaving Friday, I would have been sad and heartbroken, but also swept up in the activity of having her move and planning a goodbye party.  Part of me would have felt relieved.  Instead, it all feels a bit deflated.  I think contributing to this is that her mom had a complete no show for her visit, which is unusual for her, and when I got all the news about the grandma from the social worker, she was coming out of a meeting with a mom who was sobbing.  Foster care just seemed to suck today.

Now, time for Christmas.  I don't have the necessary documents in hand yet, and will be nervous until I do, but we do have bmom's permission and the judge's permission.  Most of my in-laws haven't met Pterodactyl yet and didn't expect to.  Should be a holiday full of discussion.

Dinosaur, our kindergartener, has his Christmas program tonight.  After foster care, his school is my second big recipient of my cheerleading, as we intentionally chose our neighborhood city school to swim against the strong current of city parents sending their kids to charter, private, and suburban schools.  I believe in his school, and I've been looking forward to seeing him in something like this since we decided to send him there.  I can't wait to cheer him on as well as his classmates and teachers.  Should be something to lift the somber mood a bit.

Foster care dream

I had my first foster care dream last night (or this morning, as I caught a little more sleep between when Pterodactyl went back to sleep at 5:30 and when I had to get up at 7:00).  I was with Pterodactyl at her visit, sitting on the floor of the visit room while her mom held her.  Her mom had a friend with her, too, and they were just chatting with each other.  I chimed in now and then, and it was an atmosphere that was a little awkward but happy.  For whatever reason, I didn't have Rhinoceros with me like I usually do, and after a little while I left the visit room and was using a computer in one of the cubicles of the agency.  Then the CW that helped lead our initial foster care training came up to me and told me that she thought at first I wouldn't be a good foster parent because I was too much like a father figure (no, this didn't make sense) but now they were so glad I was with them.

So, a little weird, but overall a nice foster care dream, I'd say.

Compare to reality: Pterodactyl did have a visit today, and we headed on our way on snowy, icy roads.  I heard my cell phone ring and pulled over to listen to the message.  Her mom had cancelled earlier this morning, but didn't communicate it the way she was supposed to, so I was just finding out now.  We turned around and headed home.  I was grateful I didn't have to drive up and down the treacherous hill to the agency's parking lot, but sad for Pterodactyl and worried about her mother.  She didn't have any visits the week of Thanksgiving because we traveled with her, then last week her mom cancelled both.  Part of me is full of anger, unable to understand how someone would choose not to see their baby for two-and-a-half weeks.  Part of me knows what her mom struggles with, that she's not in a good place, and that she needs our prayers.

Still waiting for any information about her move to her grandma.  We leave for Canada for Christmas on the 21st.  I'm desperately trying to make things happen so that she is either with her grandma before then, or we have permission to take her with us, but it's completely out of my control besides bugging people about it.  I'm waiting until the end of the day for a reply from one person, and if I don't get one, tomorrow will have to be my first Call the Supervisor experience.