Memories

Sometimes I sit back and wonder, what will my foster children remember?

I make life books.  In some cases, I think those will stay with them.  In others, I already am not sure who the child lives with and if the book made those transitions.  I'm also not sure if the person who ends up with permanency with the child will readily share those memories.

So, if they won't see the picture and hear the stories, will they know somehow?  I know they will have the trauma of separation and will carry that with them.  And maybe they'll have memories of our home in a negative way, that nothing felt like theirs, that everything seemed wrong.  Will they also carry the joyous moments?

Will Crocodile carry memories of his first s'more, totally confused why I was putting this marshmallow on a stick over a fire and not in his hand.  Will he remember camping, what it's like to fall asleep in a tent and eat your breakfast outside before a long day with the beach and dunes as a playground?

Will Cricket carry memories of dressing up with her best friend/number one fan Rhinoceros, running around the house talking about hotels?  Will she carry memories of leaping around hay bales at the orchard and cutting down a Christmas tree?  Of sledding down the hill, first loving in, then outraged at the snow flying in her face?

Will the babies carry memories of the doting foster brothers grinning in their faces, calling them crazy nicknames?  Will they remember their standard position of comfort: wrapped up in a carrier as I went about my day?

It's not about us and what a great impact we make on memories, or what a great family we are.  I'm sure there are many memories of me sounding like a robot that is totally fed up with all kids everywhere.  Or memories of their foster brothers screaming in their faces.  Plus, I already know not to hope for much as my 7-year-old can't remember the cabin we went to just two years ago.  But there's this little hope in me that they know somewhere deep inside that they have had some really good times with us, when they could just soak up all it is to be these tiny, precious people.  And I hope it comes to them in dreams and daydreams, especially if their days ahead are difficult and turbulent.